Warning I am a smartass...So I am sitting her reading this months issue of Food Network Magazine which I love by the way. I have a cup of hot chai in my hand and I am extremely content to be spending an hour before work doing something I enjoy. So I start reading the readers questions to these famous chefs and I think to myself hmmmm my answers to these questions would be quite a bit different, way more honest and much funnier. So here is my disclaimer if you wrote one of these questions I am sorry because they are dumb. And here are my honest answers to your questions…this is actually what these chefs were thinking but they were nice enough not to answer your question in this way.

To Ted Allen: 

Ted, I heard from my cousin who’s studying chemistry that extra-virgin olive oil transforms into pure saturated fat when heated. Is this true?

Ted’s answer: Keep studying, Julie’s cousin! Saturated fats are solid at room temperature, come mostly from animals and (if you eat too much of them) are thought to increase your “bad cholesterol.” None of these things are true of olive oil, which, in fact increases your body’s “good cholesterol.” Maybe your cousin just had things a little backward: Olive oil does turn solid when chilled. But this has no impact on its healthfulness-or deliciousness. Warm it up, and it’s liquid again.

My answer: You and your cousin are both dumb. What a boring and wacky conversation. Plus this question could have easily been answered via google and you wouldn’t have had to waste Ted Allen’s time trying to explain chemistry to your cousin who is actually going to college to study it.

To Anne Burrell:

Anne, you’ve mentioned on your shows that you prefer wearing a skirt while cooking.Why?

Anne’s answer: Years ago, I worked in Italy and saw that all of the old ladies wore dresses in the kitchen. It stuck with me so, so when I began working in New York kitchens, I took that memory and adjusted it-with skirts. They’re less restrictive than pants, and they look cute!

My answer: You get the opportunity to ask a famous chef one question and you chose to ask her why she wears skirts. Um why do you care? Are you going to start wearing skirts because Anne does? If so we have a name for that in law enforcement…its called a stalker.

To Jamie Oliver:

Jamie, I would like to start growing my own mushrooms. How do I go about doing that?

Jamie’s answer: These days, many garden centers and seed companies sell grow your own mushroom kits. Indoor ones are easier to get growing than the outdoor types. The mushrooms grow on compost or in bags of straw that have been specially impregnated with mushroom spores. Varieties include white button, chestnut, shiitake and oyster mushrooms. But you can grow a wider range outdoors by plugging impregnated dowels into cut logs or old tree stumps.

My answer: If Jamie has to use the word “impregnated” in his answer you should not be asking the question. Um why would you want to grow mushrooms? I have found that grocery stores always have mushrooms on hand and they are cheap and easy to find. Plus if you want to get extra crazy you can get the dried variety. And seriously why would you want to grow anything that grows naturally out of poop or compost. I love mushrooms but I don’t think you need to waste your time growing them.

To Aarti Sequeira:

Aarti, I love your recipes, but I don’t make Indian food often enough to always have the spices on hand. Can you recommend any substitutions?

Aart’s answer: I try to make my recipes as simple as possible, so I don’t think any of the spices can be substituted. When you buy Indian spices, keep in mind that you can use many of them to make Moroccan or Middle Eastern food. Add a dash of spice to your everyday dinners to get more familiar with them.

My answer: Really? The spice is what makes the food Indian. Otherwise it would be bland American food. If you don’t want to follow my recipes don’t make them but really what a dumb question. I am an Indian chef so that is what I cook and I use Indian spices. The end.

To Paula Dean:

Paula, as a college student living in my first apartment, I’m finding it hard to buy and cook food for one person. Any tips for me?

Paula’s answer: If you don’t already have one, get a slow cooker, honey. They’re a real time and money saver. Plus, you can prepare meals in advance

My answer: This is obviously a new chef and probably a young person so I will cut them some slack unlike the other questions.

Guess now we all know why I don’t have my own question and answer column….but I bet you found my answers to be quite a bit funnier than the published responses. Just saying!!!