I have thought long and hard about whether or not I wanted to write and/or share my thoughts in light of what is occurring in our country as it relates to George Floyd, police reform, my career in law enforcement, Covid, and well just life as we know it.

Please know that I don't sit here and write my thoughts lightly. Please know that I knowingly understand that my beliefs and opinions are not shared by all. That being said, this is my truth.

I have spent my entire career in public safety and/or supporting public safety. Myself, and no one I know has looked at that video of George Floyd's death and justified the action of those law enforcement officers involved. There is a saying in public safety," nobody hates a dirty cop more than a clean cop." Why you might ask? Let me tell you....it is because with over 800,000 law enforcement officers in this country the actions of very few make it on national news and it is often for the actions that disgrace the profession....they very rarely make it on the news for any of the  heroic acts they commit day in and day out. More about that later.

In my personal life,  I have devoted my life, thus far, to being a Public Safety Dispatcher, training Dispatchers, supporting public safety,  being married to a LEO, been in love with an African American LEO, and truly caring about my community and the people in it. And it breaks my heart to see my friends, those I love, and people I know well, being lumped into a category with individuals who are murderers. They don't deserve that.

As many of you know I was raised by a hippie Mom, a legacy of family involved in Civil Rights activism, and a childhood split between California and the deep South, so my perspective on race issues is much different than the average white woman in America. I was also raised that love is love, and so I have loved, paying no attention to what divides us and celebrating what unifies us.....whether it is shared life experiences, good laughs, amazing lashes, good food, or an amazing glass of wine.

But I can tell you that as a Dispatcher when you called 911 for help I didn't care who you were and I tried to help you in every fucking way possible regardless of your race, religion, ethnicity, age, socio-economic status, profession, or language spoken. That was the oath I made when I signed on for that profession.

In a profession like public safety many of the people I know don't want attention drawn to them....good, bad or otherwise. I know I didn't and I still don't. If you know me today and you didn't know I was a Dispatcher you will not hear me talk about it, you wont hear me mention the calls that wake me up with nightmares, the calls that haunt me to this day, the screams and voices I hear in the middle of the night. You also won't hear me talk about the lives I touched or saved because I was just doing my job. If you know me today, you know me as working for a software company, that I love to cook, and fuck I miss traveling with this Covid.

But  let me try to explain to you why public safety doesn't draw attention to themselves or celebrate their successes. When you contact someone, you don't know if it will be a positive contact or a fight for your life. You don't know if they will try to track down your family and hurt those you love or thank you later for turning their life around. You don't know if arming the public you serve with information about you is arming them with ammunition to destroy you or to celebrate you. As a Dispatcher, you often don't know the outcome to the calls you take, or if you do when the calls haunt you, you still have to answer that next 911 call, regardless of the caller before and try to help the next person on the life. We have to move on, not because we don't care, but because there are other people that need us more in that present moment, leaving very time for tears or celebration. And let's be real, we don't talk about it because it makes us feel vulnerable, its scary AF, its hard to relive it, its terrifying, and completely overwhelming.

 So, even in those heroic moments you still want to be under that radar, you don't want to be known, it is instinct to protect yourself and those you love. You also didn't get into this profession to get credit. Public safety is a thankless job and we all know that going into it, and so drawing attention to ourselves to celebrate our successes is not comfortable, not natural, and just straight up something we don't want to do. But I promise you there are men and women in that uniform doing amazing things for the communities they serve each and every day. You just aren't hearing about it. I hope that gives you a glimmer of hope.

However, I will also say I have not buried my head in the sand and I understand that in our amazing country all people are not treated equally. I know that my friends who are mothers worry on a different level about their children depending on the color of their skin. I also am not ignorant enough to believe that there isn't white privilege because this country has a foundation of it that has continued well into our present time and is so ingrained in our society that men have never given it a second thought.  I know that there is prejudice and bias in each and every one of us, on varying levels and varying topics. I know that impacts the way many of us live our lives. I know that those biases and prejudices in the wrong hands have caused and continue to cause incredible hatred, destruction, harm, and death. I know that there is bias and prejudice in our countries infrastructure and systems, and in my opinion, that is where the reform needs to start.

 I do however,  truly believe cutting police budgets and defunding law enforcement is not the way to go, especially in a time where we see crime rates rising, a society that is feeling so much fear, a time of economic desperation, and a time when unrest is high. I always support reform, in every profession, but taking away funding that can enhance education, increase hiring standards, and allow for agencies to hire the best of the best instead of just hiring because they have to fill vacancies is not the answer. I have heard many say that defunding the police means taking the burden of mental health and social work off the plate of law enforcement. Love that idea!! But the reality is that those professions don't have the resources to work 24/7, they don't have the training to handle a mental health patient armed with a machete, they don't have the weapons to handle the suicidal subject with a gun to their hostages head in the middle of the night. So, now we are sending mental health, a social worker, and law enforcement, which leaves us in no better position than where we are today....yet with less officers on the street....those mental health and social workers will be left unprotected for longer periods of time. I would like to see better training, better hiring, better standards, but that takes money, not defunding.

What worries me more than anything in this present moment is the fact that we all watched the video of George Floyd's death and we all agreed and instead of unifying and supporting his family we became more and more divided? And let's take this one step further, instead of fighting a global pandemic together, we have chosen to make this about politics, questioned whether or not our civil rights are being impacted, instead of considering on a very basic human level, we can help others within our country survive by unifying. Why can't we use these catastrophic events of 2020 and band together?

I have been taught to live my life to love....regardless of gender, ethnicity, profession, political party affiliation, differing opinions, religion and so much more. And it breaks my heart to see us during this time of crises become more and more divided.

I don't have the answers to change the world, fuck I wish I did, but this is what I have decided I can do and I can impact.

• Educate myself for the next election and about the issues impacting our country.
• Have more conversations identifying ways to bring about positive change.
• Stay the positive force in my personal and professional life.
• Celebrate this amazing life since we only get one and I have  looked death in the face and  know just how precious it is….and I believe that attitude is contagious.
• Smile at strangers and say thank you to everyone….and if they can’t see your smile because of your mask tell them you are smiling....gratitude has some incredible power.
• Get myself as healthy as possible during this time so when its time to come out of this I can be ready to step up with a vengeance.
• Provide support to public safety so they can do their job better during these challenging times.
• Try to impact the people in my life in positive ways….whether it is having open communication, staying in touch with those I know are struggling or just keeping them in my prayers.
• Journal and practice being impeccable with my words because there will be a time for me to share my views more openly.
• Cook because the kitchen is my happy place and I feel like happy energy in any form right now is needed.
• Pray/meditate/whatever you call it…..because the struggle this world is going through needs some type of divine intervention regardless of beliefs.