For the first time in my life I am alone, truly alone. 

To begin with, let's talk about what this is not. This is not a pity party. This does not mean I do not have friends or family. They are still very much a strong presence in my life and I love them with every ounce of my soul. 

Now, let's talk about what this is. For much of my life I have stayed busy. I have surrounded myself with people. And even when I was not in a "relationship" I always had someone or someone(s) who were feeding my ego, keeping me busy, distracting me or fighting for my attention. 

I was one of those women who fed off the attention of men and at times used that as a barometer for my self worth or success. It was easy, being in professions in which I was surrounded by men, having an outgoing personality and exuding sexual energy for much of my adult life. The attention was there, whether I wanted it or not. But it got to a place where I didn't even notice it, it was as common as putting on your shirt everyday (I hate pants so I had to think of another article of clothing). 

In addition, good, bad or otherwise, I was raised during a time that women's life meaning was tied to being a wife and/or mother....and those are both things that I am not. And so with that came a lot of judgment, a lot of trying to find the next relationship, or fighting myself when I was without. I always thought my worth was tied to those identifying characteristics, and since I didn't crave either of those roles (although I had the wife one for awhile) I often lived my life feeling less then or unworthy of love. 

This morning I woke up, took a deep breath, looked at my phone and realized my notifications were at zero. I did not have any "good morning beautiful" texts, but I also didn't have any dick pics (which I do not like, as a side note).  I didn't have anyone who was showing me attention, flattering me or keeping me busy. 

And to take this one step further, I felt peace, calm and serenity. 

I am at a place where my soul is not fed by the attention of many, as I only want the attention of the right one. And if I don't have that right "one" in my life then I will continue to live this beautiful, incredible and amazing life each and every day. 

I do not want to be told by the masses that I am beautiful, successful, charismatic, blah, blah, blah. And it is not because compliments no longer matter, it is because I am comfortable with myself, in my own skin, and I know in my heart who I truly am and what I truly want. I know that I am worthy and I know that I am successful. 

I now know that the most important relationship in my life, is my relationship with myself. And I have spent a lot of my life running from myself, whether that was through staying busy, career success, relationships, sex, or striving for the next goal. And during those times of running the one thing I couldn't do was to look myself in the mirror. This morning I was able to look myself in the mirror, and even better, I was able to look myself in the eyes. 

Now, don't get me wrong this is not something that just occurred over night. This is something that has been part of my journey for a long time. This has taken more therapy, more journaling, more self-help books than I care to remember. But I can tell you that for me the turning point was about a year ago. I was in a relationship that although had every ounce of my heart and soul was not providing me with what I truly deserved. I was sacrificing myself by staying in it and I was disrespecting myself by believing the situation would change. I was fighting myself and fighting him hoping for a happily ever after. However, once I choose to take a stand for me, the game changed. It was truly the most heart breaking experience of my life saying goodbye, but it was also the start of me climbing back to myself. And it is what brought me to where I am today. 

Are there aspects of my life that I wish were different? Abso-fuckin-lutely! Do I wish I was in a relationship? Yes, I do. Do I wish I traveled a little less for work? Some days yes and some days no. Do I wish I had the body I had in my 20's? Ummm fuck yea, who doesn't? But there are other areas in which I am so incredibly content. I love where I live and I find so much peace hiking with one of my besties. I have the most incredible friends and they are a constant source of laughter and love. I love Pilates with my bestie and our favorite instructor who doesn't really think we are going Pro, even though we are. I have an incredible boss who actually knows me well enough to lecture me on work/life balance because I suck at doing that for myself. But for once I am content with myself. I do not have distractions, I do not have potentials, I do not have maybes, I do not have past exes, but I do have self-respect, I do have an amazing heart, I do have hope, I do have gratitude, and I do have a smile on my face.  And for once I am alone.....