We often think of our past relationships and only reminisce on the hurts, the sadness, the betrayals, the anger, the jealousy, and let's be real....the fucked up things we both did. But honestly I want to take a moment to celebrate my past relationships, the amazing men who have been in my life, and the less than amazing men who have been in my life and say thank you. 

In every relationship I have had I learned something about myself and others, I got unexpected gifts, I made life long friendships, met amazing people, had incredible life experiences, and got closer and closer to my truth. Sure, do I wish there were easier ways to get to some of these outcomes.....abso-fuckin-lutely! But the reality is that sometimes in our darkest moments we find our greatest causes of celebration.

So, to my exes....thank you!!

1. Thank you for being in that hospital room with me when I found out I had a broken neck. You truly were my ex (yes my ex boyfriend was in the hospital with me), but it was amazing to have someone who had already seen me naked help get my clothes off....so they didn't have to be cut. It was amazing to have someone who had already seen me cry there to dry my tears. It was incredible to have an advocate, who knew me so well, that knew when I was asking for pain meds I had to be in the worse pain of my life. It was amazing that you knew how to make me laugh when I was scared and recognized how important it was to me to be able to walk out of that trauma unit wearing my heels and do it on my own accord. Regardless of everything else that unfolded between us, both before and after this night, thank you.

2. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to be an important person in your two daughters lives. I have never had biological children of my own, but to have that relationship, and well to still have that relationship with one of them has truly been the most amazing gift. I have never met a young person like Jessica. She had my heart from the moment I met her and she has taught me more about unconditional love than any other person on this planet. I love our conversations, our spiritual connection, our ability to talk through and about anything, our shared desire to make this planet a better place. I love that she will eat anything I cook her and that the sight of her face can make me smile. I would walk through hell (and in some regards I might say our relationship was hell) if it brought me to Jessica. To me, it is worth it, to have her in my life. 

3. Thank you for showing me that love is a feeling, truly a feeling, one that is felt through my heart, body, mind and soul. I spent the majority of my life in relationships because they were smart, with the right person, popped the correct boxes, and were what I was meant to do for that time in my life. But you came into my life like a freight train and there was no part of this relationship that made sense, was right, or was sustainable. But you taught me how to love, you taught me what a broken heart felt like, and you taught me how to feel....truly feel.

4. Thank you for moving me to Southern California. It was time for my life to transition from my hometown. It was time for my career to change. It was time for me to spread my wings. You made all of that happen. I spent 15 years in Southern California and 10 of them with a career that I loved at OPD. While in So Cal, I made friendships with some of the most important women in my life today. I made incredible memories, both with you and without you. I had fucking amazing adventures! I had the honor and privilege of being the wife of a LEO. And more importantly I found myself - my authentic voice, I grew up, I started to learn how to love myself, and I started to find my truth. And damn my diamond ring was gorgeous!

5. Thank you for showing me my power. I was living my life and playing small. I wasn't living the life I was supposed to lead. I was people pleasing and living my life for others, because it was what I was "supposed" to do and be. Teaching me this lesson was not your intuition, but through our affair you set me free. It was as if the mask came off as I "broke the rules." I felt confident to step into who I was meant to be as a woman, with my career, and honestly with the rest of my life. I know you have nothing but resentment and hatred for our experience together, but I want to say thank you.....you gave me my wings to fly.

6. For many people their first broken heart is in their teens or maybe in their 20's. For me, my first broken heart was in my 40s. And although it caused a pain greater than my broken neck, it has also been the biggest gift. I spent a large part of my life afraid to feel, numbing my emotions, and running from the intensity of love, anger, sadness, etc. But in order to have a broken heart you have to feel and in order to survive a broken heart you have to go deep with yourself. There is a saying, and I don't know the author, that says our hearts break so they can open wider. I truly felt that my broken heart caused my heart to open more, has allowed me to know the light of love and the darkness of pain. Thank you for teaching me how to feel.

7. I destroyed you. I broke you. I did not treat you the way you deserved to be treated. I took your love for granted. I violated our vows. I have no excuse. All I can say is broken people, break people. I was broken. I want to say thank you for loving me. I want to say thank you for being an incredible man, an amazing person, for the fun times we had, for the adventures we shared. I want to say thank you for having such a pure heart. I want to say thank you for treating me like a queen, before I knew I deserved to be treated like one. I want to say thank you for your romantic gestures, for taking care of me, for celebrating me. Just straight up thank you and I am sorry, truly sorry.

8. I didn't know if I would love again. I didn't know if I was chasing a feeling that a ghost. I didn't know if my desire to have an emotional, intellectual and sexual connection was something I just made up in my head, or a reality. You showed me that I could love again. You made my dreams a reality. You made me feel loved, sexy, intelligent, funny, desirable, confident, and worthy. You were consistent, you followed through on your promises, and did what you said. You gave me a glimpse of what an amazing relationship should look and feel like. Thank you!

I know there are others in my life who also deserve a thank you or an apology, but these men played pivotal roles in my life and experienced defining moments with me. I truly believe that relationships often come in our lives for a reason or a season and I can say that in every relationship mentioned there was a reason and a season. I haven't met "my king" yet but I truly have to say thank you to the men in my life. And as I close out 2021 it is time for me to get on my knees with gratitude, say goodbye to my past, and welcome my future. 

I can hardly believe that it has been almost two years since I found myself sitting in an airport bar flying to Virginia for a job interview, watching as the NBA shut down their season and my state started to close up. I remember talking to the traveling sales man next to me and we laughed about a 2 week stay at home order, both celebrating traveling less for work, just for a bit. 

And yet here we sit, continuing to fight this pandemic, watching friends and family struggle with their health, missing loved ones, and dealing with a fear that we have never known in our lifetimes. I think we have all felt the gamut of emotions - Fuck will this ever end? Will I get sick and/or die? Am I going to get my family sick? When can I just go eat at a restaurant again? Why does my face keep breaking out in this mask? And countless other questions/emotions we have encountered along the way.

But as the holidays approach, I wanted to pause and make a few observations, a bit of a pandemic reflection of sorts. For the record, this is not a political post. I am vaccinated and I have had a booster. I do wear a mask. But also no judgment if you have made other choices.

I had high hopes that this pandemic would unify our country and the people in it, kind of a cause that we could all share. I remember the days after September 11th, when all of us had so much love and empathy for each other, a joint pain. And although I never hope for another 9/11, I was hoping the pandemic would bring us closer to love, and father away from hate. I have witnessed the opposite impact as we have become more and more divided with each day, and for me personally that has been the biggest heart break.

Instead of the pandemic reminding us of what is important - family, friends, survival, a roof over our heads, and food on our table, we have found reasons to judge. I have been disappointed to watch the fighting unfold, both on social media, and within my own family and friend circle. The arguments over vaccinations, masks, political parties, statistics, and news articles. I don't understand how survival has become a Republican or a Democrat issue. I fail to comprehend how I can't love my neighbor because of their personal health choices, or even worse persecuting them for those ideas. 

Sure, I have my personal beliefs, just like everyone, but why are my beliefs the right ones? Why should I criticize the beliefs of others? My personal attitude is that I will do what it takes to get over this pandemic - wear a mask, get a vaccine or 7, but if that is not the road for you, I still respect you, and see no need to use this as a platform for hate. I especially don't understand the arguing. If you differ in beliefs, stay the fuck away from each other. Do you honestly think any level or arguing will change someones opinion? Do you think fighting will make the pandemic better? Do you think it will help our country or our world recover from this faster?

This year my family has decided to get together, although an abbreviated celebration. They are requiring vaccinations and a Covid test before the celebration. It is not at my house and I respect and love my Aunt and Uncle who are hosting. It does not matter to me what they require. The bottom line is that it is at their house, and just like before Covid I would respect their wishes, I respect their wishes now. It doesn't matter if they want me to wear a mask in their house, stand outside and yell at them from the doorway, because what really matters is my fucking family is alive, able to be together, able to celebrate the true meaning of Christmas. And sure my family love to cook and drink wine so I am even more excited that we get to do both, but not only during this holiday season, but during the last 2 years we have lost sight of what is fucking important. 

Let me take a moment to tell you what I am grateful for. My family and friends are alive, and not everyone has been so lucky. My family and friends get to be together to celebrate the magic of Christmas, and not everyone is able to. I do have food on the table and a roof over my head, where as there are plenty of people who do want for basic necessities right now.  I haven't been sick and those that are close to me who have been sick have been able to recover. I have incredible people in my life who love me and whom I love. I have looked death in the face, in my past, and I got the most amazing gift to survive and live another day.

And so I just ask you to take a pause this week, a pause in the fighting, a pause in the hate, and remember the true meaning of this season, or hell the true meaning of life everyday, and love your neighbor, be grateful, even if its for the smallest aspect of your life. And my prayer for this Christmas, New Year and everyday after is to please love, just love. 

It is not common for a food blogger to talk about eating disorders, but the reality is that I have struggled with eating disorders my entire life. Even today, being someone who loves to cook and to eat, I always know that I am one step away from counting calories at such a low level that it is not possible to sustain or working out 3-4 times a day or becoming obsessed with running distance again so that my body burns more than I can consume. 

I am one of those that after every episode I am convinced that I am healed, that I am better. However, I have found that when I feel out of control, I struggle to find an element of my life that  I have power over, and for me that is often food and exercise. I have been able to hide my disorder behind being small, being a runner, or being obsessed with a healthy lifestyle, but the reality is that my body has hid one of my darkest secrets. 

Oh I have a broken heart, lets stop eating. Oh, you listened to a man kill himself on the phone, I am not hungry. Oh, your marriage is falling apart, workout more, you aren't attractive enough to make it work. Fuck you are getting a divorce, run more. You feel out of control, do whatever the fuck it is to find some control again. 

The first time I stopped eating I was in Junior High. It was a new school, my Mom had just gotten married and had my baby brother. I would love to blame all of these life factors on triggering my eating disorder, but for me that wasn't the case, I was just no longer hungry. I didn't think of myself as having an eating disorder, having low self esteem, body image issues, or power and control issues, all of the factors that are often attributed to eating disorders. I just no longer wanted to eat. I wasn't depressed in the typical sense and I was getting good grades and making friends. My relationship with food just went from being good to very, very bad. Sure, now I know it was so much more, but as a child I just stopped eating. 

My Mom would pack me lunch and I would throw them away or put them in my locker, to be forgotten for eternity. The school janitor found those lunches and called my Mom, causing a great deal of embarrassment and questioning. The only thing it taught me was to hide the fact that I wasn't hungry even better. I ate, but always the very minimum, just enough to stay under the radar and keep everyone happy. 

The second episode or at least the once I was called out on,  was when I was a new Dispatcher. I was working long hours, night shift, obviously dealing with a great deal of stress. I had recently gone through a break-up and handled my first officer involved shooting. Again, I found myself not hungry, however this time I was living alone and subsisting on soup was an easy thing to accomplish, as the number on the scale continued to decline. As the scale went down my confidence increased. I felt back in control of my life, only now realizing that this was just another way to compartmentalize my trauma. 

One of the Officers pulled me aside, honestly probably saving my life, and told me he noticed that I was losing a lot of weight. He continued to check on me daily, making sure I was eating, and doing it in such a way that I knew he was coming from a place of concern and not judgment. I have never told him thank you and I hope you are reading this blog because I owe you my life. 

My third episode took a different form and I was able to justify in different ways. I was living in So Cal, married, had the perfect life on the outside, was in the best shape of my life....surrounded by people who are more perfect and beautiful than the one next to them. My marriage was falling apart, we were living separate lives, and I had nothing but time on my hands. 

 I was going to the gym 2-3 times a day. I would wake up early and go to the gym before work, a gym that had me eating only oranges and chicken. My husband worked night shift and so I went to the gym again after work, always cooking him dinner, making sure it was on the table waiting for him when he came home....already in containers so he would never notice I never ate what I made. 

I had the perfect life from the outside looking in, but I was unhappy and felt like I was living a lie. I again found myself grasping for control, as my husband begged for a baby that I knew I couldn't give him. We no longer knew each other, our careers had taken over our lives, and we wanted such different things from life. He eventually caught on to my gym and eating habits as the scale declined, and honestly staged an intervention, which again probably saved my life. 

However, our divorce happened shortly after this event, and again my eating disorder reared its ugly head as I entered the dating scene for the first time in over 16 years. I didn't feel attractive and the stress of going through a divorce and running a Communications Center was consuming, so I started running....and running some more....and adding distance. I ran 8 half marathons during the year I was going through my divorce, telling myself I was dealing with the end of my marriage in a healthy way. I couldn't eat enough calories for the number of miles I was putting on my running shoes. And this time it was an injury that required me to check myself. 

I got heavily into food blogging at this time, replacing running for cooking and eating. I thought my relationship with food had finally got to a healthy place....but the reality is that when you struggle with food and control....you are never fully recovered. 

During Covid, I put on weight like many of us and I often thought of going back to my old ways. It has been hard to age and watch my body change, regardless of exercise and diet. It is hard not to fall back into old habits. The struggle is real when you feel out of control or you are dealing with heart break or you want to get that flat stomach back, not to fall back to that which feels comfortable. 

As I have written more and more over the last few months about the reality of women - domestic violence, being the other woman, Daddy issues, etc, I felt that it was important to address another skeleton in the closet, once that I continued to battle every single day. I know I am not alone in this battle and so I write this to support all of us who have struggled, continue to fight and to recover. Take it one day at a time and remind yourself that you got this, or if you need me to remind you reach out, because I expect you to do the same for me.