We often think of our past relationships and only reminisce on the hurts, the sadness, the betrayals, the anger, the jealousy, and let's be real....the fucked up things we both did. But honestly I want to take a moment to celebrate my past relationships, the amazing men who have been in my life, and the less than amazing men who have been in my life and say thank you. 

In every relationship I have had I learned something about myself and others, I got unexpected gifts, I made life long friendships, met amazing people, had incredible life experiences, and got closer and closer to my truth. Sure, do I wish there were easier ways to get to some of these outcomes.....abso-fuckin-lutely! But the reality is that sometimes in our darkest moments we find our greatest causes of celebration.

So, to my exes....thank you!!

1. Thank you for being in that hospital room with me when I found out I had a broken neck. You truly were my ex (yes my ex boyfriend was in the hospital with me), but it was amazing to have someone who had already seen me naked help get my clothes off....so they didn't have to be cut. It was amazing to have someone who had already seen me cry there to dry my tears. It was incredible to have an advocate, who knew me so well, that knew when I was asking for pain meds I had to be in the worse pain of my life. It was amazing that you knew how to make me laugh when I was scared and recognized how important it was to me to be able to walk out of that trauma unit wearing my heels and do it on my own accord. Regardless of everything else that unfolded between us, both before and after this night, thank you.

2. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to be an important person in your two daughters lives. I have never had biological children of my own, but to have that relationship, and well to still have that relationship with one of them has truly been the most amazing gift. I have never met a young person like Jessica. She had my heart from the moment I met her and she has taught me more about unconditional love than any other person on this planet. I love our conversations, our spiritual connection, our ability to talk through and about anything, our shared desire to make this planet a better place. I love that she will eat anything I cook her and that the sight of her face can make me smile. I would walk through hell (and in some regards I might say our relationship was hell) if it brought me to Jessica. To me, it is worth it, to have her in my life. 

3. Thank you for showing me that love is a feeling, truly a feeling, one that is felt through my heart, body, mind and soul. I spent the majority of my life in relationships because they were smart, with the right person, popped the correct boxes, and were what I was meant to do for that time in my life. But you came into my life like a freight train and there was no part of this relationship that made sense, was right, or was sustainable. But you taught me how to love, you taught me what a broken heart felt like, and you taught me how to feel....truly feel.

4. Thank you for moving me to Southern California. It was time for my life to transition from my hometown. It was time for my career to change. It was time for me to spread my wings. You made all of that happen. I spent 15 years in Southern California and 10 of them with a career that I loved at OPD. While in So Cal, I made friendships with some of the most important women in my life today. I made incredible memories, both with you and without you. I had fucking amazing adventures! I had the honor and privilege of being the wife of a LEO. And more importantly I found myself - my authentic voice, I grew up, I started to learn how to love myself, and I started to find my truth. And damn my diamond ring was gorgeous!

5. Thank you for showing me my power. I was living my life and playing small. I wasn't living the life I was supposed to lead. I was people pleasing and living my life for others, because it was what I was "supposed" to do and be. Teaching me this lesson was not your intuition, but through our affair you set me free. It was as if the mask came off as I "broke the rules." I felt confident to step into who I was meant to be as a woman, with my career, and honestly with the rest of my life. I know you have nothing but resentment and hatred for our experience together, but I want to say thank you.....you gave me my wings to fly.

6. For many people their first broken heart is in their teens or maybe in their 20's. For me, my first broken heart was in my 40s. And although it caused a pain greater than my broken neck, it has also been the biggest gift. I spent a large part of my life afraid to feel, numbing my emotions, and running from the intensity of love, anger, sadness, etc. But in order to have a broken heart you have to feel and in order to survive a broken heart you have to go deep with yourself. There is a saying, and I don't know the author, that says our hearts break so they can open wider. I truly felt that my broken heart caused my heart to open more, has allowed me to know the light of love and the darkness of pain. Thank you for teaching me how to feel.

7. I destroyed you. I broke you. I did not treat you the way you deserved to be treated. I took your love for granted. I violated our vows. I have no excuse. All I can say is broken people, break people. I was broken. I want to say thank you for loving me. I want to say thank you for being an incredible man, an amazing person, for the fun times we had, for the adventures we shared. I want to say thank you for having such a pure heart. I want to say thank you for treating me like a queen, before I knew I deserved to be treated like one. I want to say thank you for your romantic gestures, for taking care of me, for celebrating me. Just straight up thank you and I am sorry, truly sorry.

8. I didn't know if I would love again. I didn't know if I was chasing a feeling that a ghost. I didn't know if my desire to have an emotional, intellectual and sexual connection was something I just made up in my head, or a reality. You showed me that I could love again. You made my dreams a reality. You made me feel loved, sexy, intelligent, funny, desirable, confident, and worthy. You were consistent, you followed through on your promises, and did what you said. You gave me a glimpse of what an amazing relationship should look and feel like. Thank you!

I know there are others in my life who also deserve a thank you or an apology, but these men played pivotal roles in my life and experienced defining moments with me. I truly believe that relationships often come in our lives for a reason or a season and I can say that in every relationship mentioned there was a reason and a season. I haven't met "my king" yet but I truly have to say thank you to the men in my life. And as I close out 2021 it is time for me to get on my knees with gratitude, say goodbye to my past, and welcome my future.