I was recently talking to a friend about relationships. He mentioned that for many men they wanted the Whore and they wanted the Madonna, but they often didn't believe it should or could be the same person.

I have to admit that every ounce of my soul desperately wanted to argue with him on this point. Why the fuck can't I be both? Isn't that a successful relationship, to have that sexual, emotional and intellectual connection? 

But....then I started to think of my own experiences....

I have had incredible sexual connections, and even if there was love involved, I found myself pigeon-holed into that role as a Whore. I was the good time, the woman he could say anything to, and have Earth shattering sex with, I was the escape, but at the end of the day, well there was no end of the day. He often married the next woman he dated or in my affair, he continued to go home to his Madonna.

I even thought of my marriage. We were together for nearly 6 years before we got married. We owned a home together and we lived together. We had a fun relationship in every meaning of the word. And then we said "I do." I hate to blame the institution of marriage, but it felt like almost instantly our relationship changed and we were abiding by the societal expectations and gender roles of a married couple, all without communicating the change. I truly wanted to believe that marriage wouldn't change a thing, but it did.  By walking down that altar, I became his Madonna. 

To take it one step further, after we separated, we continued to hangout and sleep together for awhile and our old dynamic quickly came back. This can't be a coincidence. I went back to being the Whore. 

I asked my friend  if he thought the Whore/Madonna dichotomy led to infidelity, and he said definitely. How can it not? If  you are living with two sides of your personality/needs/desires and they can't be met by the same person, you are going to search for it in another. I had no argument for this point, but it did make me feel sad, and also recognize why affairs were rampant in our culture today.

I also have to admit that I started to wonder how many men have this belief system and are even aware of it. Is this something that is just ingrained in masculinity or is it a conscious thought that my wife can't be my sexual fantasy? Thoughts?

I then started to think of what I want, what I have been searching for. I want that emotional, intellectual and sexual connection, and I want it with the same person. Ladies, I truly believe that we can switch seamlessly, within seconds, minutes or hours between the Whore and the Madonna. Why the fuck can't I be experiencing scream inducing orgasms one minute and have an apron on cooking you dinner in the kitchen the next? Why can't I be your best friend, providing you with emotional support on your darkest days, or blowing you the next? Why does society put such a stigma on sex for women that a woman who has sexual desires continues to be looked down on as a whore?

 Am I chasing a ghost or is that a reality that is obtainable? Does it require I locate the unicorn? The last "woke" man on the planet who wants the same thing and believes that his woman can play both roles in his life? Or is that a reality that does not exist within our societal norms? 

Trying to prove to myself that I can still write about food since you all have listened to me for the last few months wax poetically about everything except food. So, let's see if I still got it!

First of all, if you opened this blog expecting me to rant about junk email aka spam, just walk away. Because believe it or not I am actually talking about the food. Ya know, the canned meat. 

Now, I have to say that I usually try not to judge - people, decisions, life choices, etc. However, I have honestly found myself being a bit judgey when it comes to food. And I have honestly always been a little critical of Spam - until I went to Maui and discovered Spam and rice several years ago....and it made me a believer. That being said, Friday night was my first time actually cooking with Spam! And here are my thoughts.

First of all, its harder to find than I expected at the grocery store. I thought it would be near the tuna fish, ya know next to the chicken of the sea, of course the pig  in a can should be. Alas, I was dead ass wrong and it was over near the canned vegetables. Grocery store folks, really? Don't get it!

Now, let's talk Spam history. It came about  in 1937 and was a staple during WWII as it was non-perishable and could be shipped to our troops. So, we actually brought something positive to the Pacific Islands - pig in a can. You are welcome!

The other thing I find interesting is that nobody truly knows what Spam stands for or how it got named. There are theories and guesses, such as "shoulder of pork and ham" or "specifically processed artificial meat" and countless others, but I truly couldn't find a hard and fast answer. So, if anyone knows the answer feel free to share.

I think we all make fun of Spam, or at least I do, however Hormel makes 44,000 cans an hour. So, they honestly could care less if we make fun of it or not because they are laughing their way to the bank to deposit the money they are making off the canned meat product. 

 And did you also know it comes in different flavors? I went with traditional for this recipe because I thought I was brave just cooking with it, wasn't sure if I was ready to try additional flavors. In case you wanted some flavor examples, there is teriyaki, bacon and with cheese. Ummmm yeah just can't yet.

Ok, so I also need to put my judgment aside because although it has a reputation as a "mystery meat" it actually is supposed to be more pure than our everyday hot dog. It is made with pork - pork shoulder to be exact, whereas hot dogs really are pig leftovers ground up and shaped into a wiener....so now I am being judgmental of the hot dog (although I love one with a cold beer at a baseball game).

Finally, there is a Spam museum in Austin, Minnesota....and just like that I all of a sudden feel the need to get on a plane and head to MN (think thats the state abbreviation, always get those "M" states confused).

On Friday night, I made Kimchi Fried Rice, a recipe I found on Food Network. If you are unfamiliar with kimchi, it is pickled cabbage, and you can get it mild or spicy. And let me just say this was damn good fried rice. I put a fried egg on top of it and it made me straight up happy. It was the perfect thing to eat after being on an airplane all day flying home from the ATL.

Note: This recipe is salty so if you are not a salt fan, just stay away....like truly it made my ankles swell or that could have been from the plane or both....but for real....sexy AF.

Here is the recipe:

2 tablespoons vegetable oil

1/2 cup chopped onion

3/4 cup diced Spam (half of a 12-ounce can)

1 1/2 cups roughly chopped ripe kimchi, plus 1/3 cup kimchi brine 

4 cups day-old cooked short- or medium-grain white rice

2 tablespoons unsalted butter

1 tablespoon minced garlic

1 tablespoon soy sauce

1 tablespoon toasted sesame oil

Kosher salt

Toasted sesame seeds, for topping (optional)

4 large eggs

2 scallions, thinly sliced

Add the rice to the skillet and break it up with a wooden spoon; stir to combine. Stir in the kimchi brine, butter, garlic, soy sauce and sesame oil; cook until the rice has absorbed most of the liquid, 3 to 4 minutes. Scrape the bottom of the skillet to ensure there is no burning rice. Season with salt. Remove from the heat and sprinkle with sesame seeds. Keep warm.

In a separate large nonstick skillet, heat the remaining 1 tablespoon vegetable oil over low heat until slightly shimmering, about 5 minutes. Crack the eggs into the skillet; cover and cook until the egg whites are set but the yolks are still runny, 2 to 2 1/2 minutes. Season with salt.

Divide the fried rice among plates or bowls and top each serving with a fried egg. Sprinkle with the scallions.

When I was a "baby Dispatcher" I got sent to a training class in the Sacramento area. I don't remember the class, but we got an assignment to go to businesses and evaluate customer service. The class was broken into groups and my group decided to evaluate the customer service in a sex shop. Yeah I know that would never fly today, but this was a long time ago. And as a side note, we got horrible customer service in the sex shop. But I did see my first blow up sheep (more on that another time).

So, as we walked around the sex shop we started talking about our lives. One of the Dispatchers in my group, who was having an affair with a married Officer at her agency, said, "it's not my job to keep him at home."

I was young, naïve and wide eyed and I remember being mortified and thinking at the time, "damn that is a fucked up attitude."

However, as life evolves and you find yourself in a similar situation, you stop and question. Is it my job to keep your man at home?

Side note: In this blog I refer to keeping your "man" at home. I know that this is not a gender issue and it happens on both sides of the fence and in any gender definition so feel free to apply any gender identification you  choose to my thoughts because I don't feel like the gender matters in this circumstance.

I have found that my answer to this question has changed, evolved, and morphed depending on where I was in my self-worth, self-awareness, and self-love journey.

For the sake of full transparency, there have been times in my life when I thought it wasn't my job to keep your man at home. I thought, fuck it, if he wanted to stay home he would be home, and he is choosing to be with me. And because of the place I was at, this was an incredible ego boost. But in reality I found I was sacrificing myself and what I wanted and needed in the process.

In my current mind set, I have pondered this question over and over again, especially throughout my affair, and here are my thoughts in this moment.

First of all, no, it is not my job to keep your man at home. And as a side note, it is not your job to keep your man at home either. Your man either recognizes how amazing you and the relationship is or if he doesn't he needs to let you go, or even better you need to kick him out that door.

I am over the excuses, the staying in a relationship for the kids, the finances, the difficulty of changing your life, moving, or starting over. I am sick of people waiting for the right time, because we all know there is never a good time for a broken heart. If you are unhappy, you need to make life changes, either within the relationship or without, but stay away from involving other people....and please stay away from playing the victim card. Stop, just stop.

I fucking know that change is not easy, but it is worth it. And hurting other people because you are too much of a coward to do it the hard way is not an excuse. I felt like when I cheated to get out it was the easy way and it had so much collateral damage that was unfair, not worth it and destructive as fuck that I am sorry, just no.

No, it  is not my job to keep your man at home. But it is my job to respect myself and support other women and being with someone who is unavailable is not doing either of those things. I have always been a huge advocate of women. I have an incredible tribe and my friendships mean the world to me, but yet I have cheated. And one of the biggest struggles in my affair was the fact that I was betraying another woman, because that violated everything I believe in. Therefore, it is my job to not engage with someone who disrespects women in anyway shape or form. There is no need to encourage a man who engages in this behavior.

No, it is not my job to keep you man at home. But seriously, do you want a man in your home who doesn't want to be there? Too often we end up in this competitive cycle of fighting for the same man, when in my opinion, both women should realistically walk away and say "fuck it neither of us want him." Ladies, why are we even letting this debate occur and letting men divide us? Why are we fighting over a man who truly doesn't deserve either of us amazing creatures? 

Ladies, it is not my job to keep your man at home, nor is it yours. But I promise you it will not be my house that will be opening the door.

Dear Danah,

Please forgive me.

For disrespecting you. For choosing relationships, career goals, other people or moments in time over what you wanted and needed.

For not always loving you like I should, making sacrifices at your expense, chasing the love of another or betraying you by my actions in life.

For not always looking at you with love in the mirror, too quick to judge or criticize because of love handles, an extra wrinkle or some perceived flaw.

For betraying you, often within my romantic relationships, hoping to break my childhood patterns only to find us back in the dance of generational trauma.

For being so critical and judgmental, making you often feel "not enough" - not smart enough, pretty enough, funny enough, successful enough, or whatever "enough" I was searching for in that moment.

For not always making you feel safe - whether that was physical, emotional or psychological safety. I took risks and often your safety was the collateral damage, always leaving you to feel on edge.

For ignoring your inner knowing and intuition, leaping over the voices, feelings of knowing, whether it was for a relationship or in search of the next adrenalin rush in life.

For often putting you second over another, destroying you to try and keep others happy.

For betraying others, even when you heart, body, mind and soul resounded with a loud No.

For pushing you beyond breaking, constantly striving for the next career goal, degree, accomplishment, or accolade, until you crumpled to the ground in exhaustion.

For hurting others, and breaking your heart in the process, over and over again.

For not always treating you like a temple - depriving you of nurturing, such as sleep, water, good food, and instead polluting you with alcohol, temptation, and a diet of popcorn and pickles.

For doing the best I can, but falling short time and time again.

For the actions that made me afraid to look you in the eye, ashamed of who I was becoming or what I was doing in those moments.

For trying, failing, and getting back up to try again.  And maybe that is what life is all about... knowing that I won't be perfect tomorrow, or even the next day, but  also knowing that I will continue to try, fail and get back up....hopefully not continuing to make the same mistakes, repeat patterns or get stuck in the same spirals....but even if I do, learning how to forgive myself as I pick myself up, dust myself off, and try again....

Please forgive me.