When I was a "baby Dispatcher" I got sent to a training class in the Sacramento area. I don't remember the class, but we got an assignment to go to businesses and evaluate customer service. The class was broken into groups and my group decided to evaluate the customer service in a sex shop. Yeah I know that would never fly today, but this was a long time ago. And as a side note, we got horrible customer service in the sex shop. But I did see my first blow up sheep (more on that another time).

So, as we walked around the sex shop we started talking about our lives. One of the Dispatchers in my group, who was having an affair with a married Officer at her agency, said, "it's not my job to keep him at home."

I was young, naïve and wide eyed and I remember being mortified and thinking at the time, "damn that is a fucked up attitude."

However, as life evolves and you find yourself in a similar situation, you stop and question. Is it my job to keep your man at home?

Side note: In this blog I refer to keeping your "man" at home. I know that this is not a gender issue and it happens on both sides of the fence and in any gender definition so feel free to apply any gender identification you  choose to my thoughts because I don't feel like the gender matters in this circumstance.

I have found that my answer to this question has changed, evolved, and morphed depending on where I was in my self-worth, self-awareness, and self-love journey.

For the sake of full transparency, there have been times in my life when I thought it wasn't my job to keep your man at home. I thought, fuck it, if he wanted to stay home he would be home, and he is choosing to be with me. And because of the place I was at, this was an incredible ego boost. But in reality I found I was sacrificing myself and what I wanted and needed in the process.

In my current mind set, I have pondered this question over and over again, especially throughout my affair, and here are my thoughts in this moment.

First of all, no, it is not my job to keep your man at home. And as a side note, it is not your job to keep your man at home either. Your man either recognizes how amazing you and the relationship is or if he doesn't he needs to let you go, or even better you need to kick him out that door.

I am over the excuses, the staying in a relationship for the kids, the finances, the difficulty of changing your life, moving, or starting over. I am sick of people waiting for the right time, because we all know there is never a good time for a broken heart. If you are unhappy, you need to make life changes, either within the relationship or without, but stay away from involving other people....and please stay away from playing the victim card. Stop, just stop.

I fucking know that change is not easy, but it is worth it. And hurting other people because you are too much of a coward to do it the hard way is not an excuse. I felt like when I cheated to get out it was the easy way and it had so much collateral damage that was unfair, not worth it and destructive as fuck that I am sorry, just no.

No, it  is not my job to keep your man at home. But it is my job to respect myself and support other women and being with someone who is unavailable is not doing either of those things. I have always been a huge advocate of women. I have an incredible tribe and my friendships mean the world to me, but yet I have cheated. And one of the biggest struggles in my affair was the fact that I was betraying another woman, because that violated everything I believe in. Therefore, it is my job to not engage with someone who disrespects women in anyway shape or form. There is no need to encourage a man who engages in this behavior.

No, it is not my job to keep you man at home. But seriously, do you want a man in your home who doesn't want to be there? Too often we end up in this competitive cycle of fighting for the same man, when in my opinion, both women should realistically walk away and say "fuck it neither of us want him." Ladies, why are we even letting this debate occur and letting men divide us? Why are we fighting over a man who truly doesn't deserve either of us amazing creatures? 

Ladies, it is not my job to keep your man at home, nor is it yours. But I promise you it will not be my house that will be opening the door.