I was recently talking to a friend about relationships. He mentioned that for many men they wanted the Whore and they wanted the Madonna, but they often didn't believe it should or could be the same person.

I have to admit that every ounce of my soul desperately wanted to argue with him on this point. Why the fuck can't I be both? Isn't that a successful relationship, to have that sexual, emotional and intellectual connection? 

But....then I started to think of my own experiences....

I have had incredible sexual connections, and even if there was love involved, I found myself pigeon-holed into that role as a Whore. I was the good time, the woman he could say anything to, and have Earth shattering sex with, I was the escape, but at the end of the day, well there was no end of the day. He often married the next woman he dated or in my affair, he continued to go home to his Madonna.

I even thought of my marriage. We were together for nearly 6 years before we got married. We owned a home together and we lived together. We had a fun relationship in every meaning of the word. And then we said "I do." I hate to blame the institution of marriage, but it felt like almost instantly our relationship changed and we were abiding by the societal expectations and gender roles of a married couple, all without communicating the change. I truly wanted to believe that marriage wouldn't change a thing, but it did.  By walking down that altar, I became his Madonna. 

To take it one step further, after we separated, we continued to hangout and sleep together for awhile and our old dynamic quickly came back. This can't be a coincidence. I went back to being the Whore. 

I asked my friend  if he thought the Whore/Madonna dichotomy led to infidelity, and he said definitely. How can it not? If  you are living with two sides of your personality/needs/desires and they can't be met by the same person, you are going to search for it in another. I had no argument for this point, but it did make me feel sad, and also recognize why affairs were rampant in our culture today.

I also have to admit that I started to wonder how many men have this belief system and are even aware of it. Is this something that is just ingrained in masculinity or is it a conscious thought that my wife can't be my sexual fantasy? Thoughts?

I then started to think of what I want, what I have been searching for. I want that emotional, intellectual and sexual connection, and I want it with the same person. Ladies, I truly believe that we can switch seamlessly, within seconds, minutes or hours between the Whore and the Madonna. Why the fuck can't I be experiencing scream inducing orgasms one minute and have an apron on cooking you dinner in the kitchen the next? Why can't I be your best friend, providing you with emotional support on your darkest days, or blowing you the next? Why does society put such a stigma on sex for women that a woman who has sexual desires continues to be looked down on as a whore?

 Am I chasing a ghost or is that a reality that is obtainable? Does it require I locate the unicorn? The last "woke" man on the planet who wants the same thing and believes that his woman can play both roles in his life? Or is that a reality that does not exist within our societal norms?