Monday, March 18, 2019
Everything I Learned About Life I Learned Being a 911 Dispatcher
In my past life, I was a 911 Dispatcher. I spent nearly 20 years
of my life answering the phone and listening to people in crisis. I worked a radio
handling pursuits, shootings, structure fires, extrications, domestics, death
and destruction. And I heard people take their last breaths, I gave CPR
instructions to a mother trying to save her 6-month-old daughter, I heard screams,
children crying, gunshots and tears. I heard my cops scream as they got
ambushed, shot at, injured and scared. I heard my firefighters roll up on horrific
traffic accidents involving their own family members, try to save lives, and
fight for lives that were beyond saving.
As many of you know I wrote a memoir a few years back. I
told my “war stories” and I talked about the times that I believed I made a
difference, those calls that haunt me, those situations that I so desperately
wanted to end with a happy ending, but life isn’t a Hollywood movie, and being
a Dispatcher is messy and unfortunately not full of fairytale closure. I
decided not to publish the book, it felt too personal and I felt like I was
sharing stories of those that I didn’t know if they wanted shared. It is
impossible to write about a career like this without talking about the people
involved-the victims, the officers, the firefighters, the suspects, the
spouses, the broken, the downtrodden and the witnesses…and at the end of the
day they should get to choose whether or not they want to tell their stories. The
stories I mention here are devoid of distinguishing details, are only my
personal accounts and are kept vague on purpose.
I have been out of the profession nearly 4 years and I have
to admit I miss it every day. Sure, I sleep better, sure the nightmares are
less frequent, maybe I don’t replay those “what ifs” in my head like I use to.
But I do miss feeling like I am making a difference, making sure my boys are
going home safe to their families every night, that adrenalin rush you get from
working a hot call, that comradery that comes with being a part of something so
much bigger than yourself.
And it is so weird that people I meet now have no clue about
the career I had that was once so much a part of my identity. I find that I don’t
talk about it to people who didn’t know me back in the day, afraid that they
won’t understand that part of me. It is too hard to explain that after being in
public safety we all carry a certain level of pain, that we all have these
emotions that we are afraid to feel because once the tears start they won’t be
able to stop. But I can tell you I loved every second of being a 911 Dispatcher
and damn that career taught me everything I know-the good, the bad, the
beautiful, and the ugly.
Here is what I learned about life from being a 911
Dispatcher:
1.
Live like there’s no tomorrow. Life is not
guaranteed. I started as a 911 Dispatcher when I was young, very young. I
thought I was invincible, and I was naïve, full of life and innocence. I truly
was the walking epitome of “ignorance is bliss.” The very first call I answered
was a high school classmate being shot in a drive by shooting. And I learned
quickly I was wrong. So I repeat life is
not guaranteed.
2.
We are put into peoples lives for a reason.
Sometimes those reasons are amazingly joyous, like the time I got to give a
wife CPR instructions, to her husband of 30 years. She was able to save him after he collapsed
from a heart attack. And sometimes they are only to hear someone’s last words,
sobs and apologies before they make a choice to take their own life, the last
thing you hear being a gun shot and the phone dropping to the floor of the car.
Both situations very different, but I was there to witness what those
individuals wanted and needed in those difficult moments.
3.
Keep laughing. There is no coincidence that the
public safety profession is wrought with sarcastic and dark humor. Sure, there
is a great deal of cynicism out there, and some may argue that it is a survival
mechanism. However, I believe it is much greater than that. I made the choice
to laugh instead of cry because that phone kept ringing, emergencies continued
to happen and I knew I wouldn’t be able to help anyone if I was crying and
rocking in a corner, so I choose to laugh. When I hung up the phone with a man
who had just found his wife dead, covered in blood, of course I wanted to cry.
I am human. However, the next 911 line started ringing and it was not my turn
to cry, it was my turn to keep my chin up and do my job, try to help the next
person. I chose to put on my big girl
panties, put a smile on my face, crack that sarcastic comment and get back in
the game, regardless of the fact that the call I just hung up with wanted to
bring me to my knees. And ya know what I have taken that life lesson and
applied it to every aspect of my life.
4.
In this family nobody fights alone. I had never
experienced a team, a family or friendships like I experienced in public
safety. And I quickly learned about loyalty, having each other’s backs, the
thin blue line, and being willing to sacrifice for those you care about. As a
Dispatcher, when you are making split second life and death decisions you
become close with your co-workers on a completely different level. When you go
to work every night and you feel a sense of responsibility as to whether or not
they go home to their families at the end of their shift there is a level of
reliance, commitment, comradery that is unprecedented. However, what I have
learned is that we should have those relationships both in our personal and
professional lives. I have made a conscientious effort to create an incredible
tribe of friends in which we celebrate our good times, pick each other up
during the bad, are fiercely protective and way too fucking honest with each
other. And those friendships mean more to me than anything else on this planet.
5.
Don’t get comfortable. Every time I thought I was
getting comfortable in my career something more bizarre, more intense, more
outrageous or more scary occurred to quickly put me in my place. Sure, I could
handle a pursuit, officers screaming on the radio, firefighters breathing like
Darth Vader through their masks, all like I was taking a walk in the park. I
was calm under pressure and I knew it. But be careful what you wish for because
if one officer shooting was bad, you were going to get several officers
shooting, multi-jurisdictions, 110 rounds fired, in a close quarter gun battle
(all hypothetical of course). Same goes for life, the minute we get comfortable
and complacent, a curve ball will be tossed in your direction, and it will
occur at the most unexpected time or by a person who drop kicks you on your ass
(also all hypothetical).
6.
Be the reason someone smiles. Dispatchers are
the calm in the storm, the strength when others are weak. When I was a “baby
Dispatcher” I often got teased for sounding too happy on the radio. The guys
would often tell me they couldn’t tell if I was dispatching a robbery or
talking to my best friend while sitting on the sofa. However, I was also told
that my shift would hear my voice hit the radio and they knew at that point
they were safe, they knew they could go out and start doing self-initiated
activity, wreaking havoc and being proactive, because I would keep them safe. I
was told that my pursuits sounded like a conversation between me and one of the
guys, just shooting the shit. That was the single biggest compliment I received
in my 20-year career and so I continue to be the reason that someone smiles.
7.
Happily ever after is not guaranteed. Not every
story has a happy ending. And I learned all too well that no amount of prayers,
pleading, negotiation, preparation or training can truly prepare you for every
aspect of this career. I had a rollover accident into a body of water involving
two teenage boys and I had never heard a group of firefighters work so hard in
their entire lives to try and save those two young men. I never saw a team work
so seamlessly as I did that night between the Dispatchers, Officers and Fire
crews, yet at the end of the day, we all went home with tears in our eyes and
heavy hearts. Sometimes it doesn’t matter how hard we fight, how bad we want
it, real life doesn’t always end with a pretty package and a big red bow.
8.
At the end of the day none of us are in control.
I used to like to think I was in control. I liked to believe that if I was good
at my job than my officers were going home. I liked to tell myself that I was a
damn good Dispatcher and because I could handle the worst of the worst I was in
control. But I can also tell you every single person in this profession has had
at least one incident that reminds us that we are not in control. One of mine
started off completely mundane, a burglar alarm to a business, something the
officers respond to countless times a day. We always send two officers, just in
case, but we are all confident that a just in case will not occur. So I sent
two officers, one of them being a close friend as I was in his wedding, at the
hospital when his daughter was born. On this particular evening, the suspect had
already made entry into the business by the time my officers arrived. He saw
them checking the building, watching them through a large plate glass window. As
the officer approached the window he chose to dive through the window, ambushing
he officer, in an attempt to escape. The blood curdling screams, fear and surprise
in that officers voice was by far the most terrifying thing I have ever heard.
So my badge still sits on the dresser next to my bed. ID
#5136 no longer defines me, but it still has a piece of my heart. Just because
I am 10-7 doesn’t mean that I don’t celebrate what the profession taught me, honor
and respect those that continue to fight for my freedom and safety every day,
love how the career shaped me, raised me and taught me about life. In this
profession, countless men and women make immeasurable sacrifices to protect and
serve all of us, our country, our communities, our families. It is a thankless
profession and yet they continue to get up every day, put on that uniform,
headset, badge, and do their job to the best of their ability. Thank you! #thinblueline
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I miss HFD#1 and can remember your voice as you handled a traffic accident that killed 4 people and two structure fires at the same time. You were by yourself but in controll.
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