Tuesday, March 19, 2019
I Married the Badge
I had been a Dispatcher for 10 years before I met the cop
that was going to be my husband. And good, bad or otherwise I had spent plenty
of time with the guys and I felt like I knew Police Officers fairly well. I
also wasn’t some sweet young thing and so I felt like I knew men even better.
However, let me tell you there are quite a few things that no one talks about in
regard to being married to the badge.
First of all, let me give a shout out to the incredible
group of cops wives that I know, love and learned from. Because just like there
is a brotherhood on the street, there is an even tighter group of women behind
those badges and I had the honor, privilege, and joy to experience these lovely
ladies first hand. So, cheers to all of you and you know who you are!! Whether
you are still married, divorced, single or widowed…cheers ladies you are
fucking amazing!!
Secondly, I was married to a damn good cop and an even
better person. He truly treated people with respect and that was across the
board-gang members, criminals, neighbors, friends and family. He got into the
profession for the right reasons and he cared about the job that he did, the
community he served, and he truly recognized that it was a privilege and an
honor to protect and serve. That being
said, I don’t know how my ex-husband will feel about me writing this, so let’s
just hope he doesn’t see this. Pretty sure he stopped following my blog after
the divorce was final and if not well….oopsie!!
However, I can’t say I went into the relationship blind or unknowing
or ignorant. I would say my eyes were wide open, but there are quite a few
things about being marrying the badge that no one ever talks about.
1.
Being married to an Officer means you will never
be the priority. And not because he doesn’t want to make you a priority, but
because he took an oath and with that oath comes a responsibility so much greater
than those marriage vows. As a Dispatcher we often talk about how we often have
to prioritize and consider where we can do the greatest good or save the most
lives. That is what an officer does, often having to choose between his
personal and professional life. And if
that means giving up Christmas with the family to go evacuate neighborhoods
that are under wildfire evacuation orders, he will not be sitting at the head
of that table, and you have to understand that.
2.
Being married to an Officer means that you have to
look death in the face. For many people death is something that happens to
someone else, someone maybe on the news or in social media. However, when you
love a cop it is something you have to think about, plan for, be realistic
about and deal with. I knew that if BM and JM came to my door in uniform, they
were not there to grab a beer, they were there to deliver the most horrific news
that any person in uniform will ever have to deliver. And I also knew that I had
to prepare myself for that moment, even if it never came. I knew that my
husband would want me to honor him, be proud of him and respect him, whether he
was alive or dead and that was my responsibility that came with that ring on my
finger. That was my reality and the reality of the spouses in LE every single
day.
3.
Being married to an Officer means that you look
at your life as a tactical operation. I went through the majority of my life
not thinking twice about where I sat in a restaurant, where the exit doors are
located in any commercial building or I walked through a mall with no
situational awareness at all. However, part of the responsibility of being
married to a cop comes with the fact that they are armed, their face is known and
not just to good people, and that YOU can be used as a weapon against them
because knowledge is power. What normal couples take for granted, like holding
hands, was something that just wasn’t done in my house, not because he didn’t
care, but because he never wanted me to be a victim because of who he was or
what he did for a living. I learned that if he was approached by someone I didn’t
know and they started the conversation off with,” Sergeant….” I walked away. I
learned that his wedding ring was very rarely on his finger. I learned that he
needed to do, be and act certain ways so he felt safe and that was his way of
keeping his family safe.
4.
Being married to an Officer means you married
the badge, the uniform, the department and the other officers on the force.
When I walked down that aisle, I wasn’t just gaining a husband, I was gaining
an entire family. Sure, I knew comradery from being a Dispatcher, but when you
marry into a department you gain the entire group of them and let me tell you
they travel in packs. My house was constantly full of uniforms and their
families and I loved giving them a safe place to smoke cigars, drink beer,
watch sports, tell bad jokes, play games, and just relax. They are so on for so
much of their lives, it was an honor and privilege to make sure they always had
food on the table, a cocktail in hand and a smile on their face. And believe
you me, us spouses got just as much out of those get togethers…. because
unfortunately it is almost impossible to share this lifestyle with those who
haven’t lived it.
5.
Being married to an Officer means they take the
work home. Sure, we all know we should try and leave work at the door, but in
the law enforcement profession that is just straight up not possible and not
reality. And this is not just a normal career, where the stress of the job
involves too much paperwork, deadlines or quotas. The stress of this job involves
making sure they actually come home each and every night. I learned that my husband
needed time to decompress when he came home every day. Not because he wasn’t
happy to see me, he just needed to shed the weight of the world off of his
shoulders, and he needed to do that alone. I learned that sometimes he needed
to talk about the horrors that he saw during his shift and other times he
needed to just drink or play hockey or go out with the guys and get lost. I
learned that he saved lives for a living, and although there is some reward,
there is also a hell of a lot of responsibility that comes with that which can
lead to a lot of sleepless nights, moody moments, and quiet tears in the shower.
6.
Being married to an Officer means you are
married to a hero. They touch lives each and everyday and they may not know it
or even when they do it is still a credit less job. However, the fact that they
rarely get a thank you from their department, the public that they serve, or
their co-workers makes it even more important that they get it when they get
home. Because there is nothing worse than fighting for your life to make it
home to your family, only to get rejected when you walk through that door. I
learned that you need to continue to give them a reason to fight and fight hard
and fight for their life because if they lose that will to fight, it can mean
the difference between that 6’4” black-haired blue-eyed man walking through
your door or a casket.
7.
Being married to an Officer means they aren’t
going to tell you everything. The reality is that they are going to see, do,
experience and live horrific things. And they are not going to talk with you
about everything, not because they don’t trust you, not because they don’t care
and not because they are trying to lie to you, but because they are straight up
trying to protect you. They don’t always want to take away your innocence and
so they keep it to themselves, they vent to their buddies over a beer or they
kick the shit out of some random hockey player who skated a little too close to
that goalie net.
8.
Being married to an Officer means you have a “new
normal.” They do not work a normal Monday-Friday 8-5 schedule. They work
nights, weekends and holidays. They get called in as you are trying to go out
of town. They are going to miss birthdays, anniversaries and holidays. However,
what I can tell you is that they need you to help them create a new normal. So
celebrate those holidays even if it’s two weeks late, set that alarm to see
them when they get off night shift if you haven’t seen them in four days, put
dinner on the table because they haven’t had a hot meal in 6 days, leave notes
on the table reminding them that they actually live with their spouse even if
you work opposite shifts, and meet them at the door with hugs and not guilt
trips for missing another sporting event, family event, date night or flight
out of town.
9.
Being married to an Officer you need to remember
to love every day like it’s the last….because we never know if it truly will be.
10.
Being married to an Officer you need to remember
to not blame the job for the problems in the relationship. I can honestly say that
my divorce was not because he was a cop. My divorce was because we are two
amazing people who wanted very different things from life. I always said the
same things that made my ex-husband fall in love with me were the exact same things
that led to our demise. I understand that in a job that has so much chaos, he
craved control and normalcy, where as I live my life like it is a constant
adventure. I am so happy that he was able to find what he needed and wanted and
let me tell you I have been on one hell of a wild ride! However, I am still
thankful to have the reminder that there are amazing men and women in this
profession protecting our streets and that he is one of them.
“To the world you are one person, but to one person you are
the world.”
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I love reading your posts Danah. I am in 100 percent agreement with everything you so heartfully related. It’s all very true. That truth is also very real. Lots we don’t talk about and so much we should! Thank you for writing this so I don’t have to! #wethinkalike ❤️
ReplyDeleteSo glad you enjoyed it and it resonated with you.
ReplyDeleteNicely done Danah!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much!
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