I have been on both sides of this fence. I have cheated and I have been cheated on. I would love to stand up here and pass judgment, and please know this is not a post that advocates for cheating and hurting other people, but this is an acknowledgment of what I have learned. I am not proud of what I did, the people I hurt or the decisions I made. But I am 100% proud of the woman I am today and the lessons I have learned. I am proud of myself for learning how to love and respect myself, how to support other women, and what my experiences have taught me. 

I will tell you that when I was cheated on it turned out to be the biggest gift because I would still be in a relationship that was abusive, unhealthy, and straight up not right for me. I will also say that when I cheated it was because my relationship was not in alignment, not growing, not for my higher good, for self-sabotage, and because I wasn't in a good place. Again, not making excuses, just reflecting. 

I also want to say an amazing thank you to my friends and family. I have made the choice to be real with those closest to me and they know the good, bad, and ugly about my past. They have given me the most incredible gift by continuing to love me without judgment, support me, and hold me through the pain....because as I have learned there is pain on both side of the fence.

I hate to say this, but being cheated on and cheating has taught me more in my life than any other life experience. It has taught me how to feel, how to love, how to be vulnerable, how to be real, how to surrender, and how to pray.

I was the other woman and I was the woman who was cheated on and this is what I have learned:

1. Trust your intuition. My relationship ended and I was told I was the most beautiful woman on the planet, but that he was not sexually attracted to me. I went through that break-up thinking it was me - I had done something wrong, been wrong, I was not sexy enough, smart enough, good enough....only to find months later there was someone else. It was honestly the greatest relief, to know that there was no "enough" because there was someone else. Ladies, trust your intuition. There is someone else. And if you are cheating, when you end it, be honest....I know it sounds counterintuitive, but they will appreciate it later. If you are conflicted on your current relationship, your heart knows if they are the one, trust your intuition, and get out if they are not. 

2. Stop blaming yourself. Happy people don't cheat. And I cheated when I wasn't happy and it was a cowardly way out. Not my proudest moment. Should I have found a better way out? 100 fucking percent yes. But I didn't and for those of you who have been cheated on, there is nothing you could have said or done or been differently. That relationship was not right. Don't blame yourself, just celebrate the fact that you survived and trust that the right "one" is coming and until that person arrives be the right "one" for yourself. 

3. People cheat when they can't face themselves. I cheated when I was trying to suppress and numb, afraid to face my demons. It didn't matter that I was married to an amazing man, it didn't matter that I was sabotaging my life. I was running from my emotions, from the 911 calls I took as a Dispatcher, from my abandonment issues that came from never meeting my Dad, from being afraid of commitment. Cheating is personal, its not about the relationship. I know that sounds counterintuitive, but it is a selfish act. I was selfish and I wanted to stop feeling pain. Straight up, I owe apologies right here, and you know who you are.

4. Being the other woman allows you to be worshipped on a level that no other relationship provides. I hate to say this, but straight up men pay more attention to the woman they are trying to sleep with than the woman they are currently sleeping with. I spent my 20s feeding and needing the attention of men, so of course there is no better relationship than the one that required me to avoid my commitment issues, and get a shit ton of attention without having to do shit. Is that healthy? Hell no!! Is that ok? Fuck no! Is it a coping mechanism? Fuck yeah!

5. Cheating allowed me to avoid myself. I had commitment issues, was afraid of love, terrified of vulnerability, and threatened by having two feet in. Having an affair allowed me to avoid facing myself, loving myself, and respecting myself. And I have spent countless years trying to learn these lessons. I now feel with every ounce of my soul, I love with my heart, body and mind. I celebrate love with every cell of my being. And I speak my truth, am authentic with my voice, and when I tell you I love you there is no question that I mean it.

6. Listen to your heart. For a long time I dated tactically. I handled my relationships like they were SWAT operations. I dated the men who were attractive, financially stable, had a great work ethic, were safe, and yet my heart wasn't involved. My head told me to love them and they felt safe. But I am sorry, your head and your heart has to be on the same page. My exes were good guys, but until your heart is involved and your heart is involved and you are head fucking head over heels in love, don't settle. I spent the majority of my life searching for an intellectual, sexual and emotional connection....and I often wondered if it was real or if I was chasing a ghost. It's real!!! Don't settle!

7. Sometimes we have to hit rock bottom to come back up. When I was cheated on and also when I cheated those period of my life turned out to be the greatest times of my life for growth, education and self development. I learned how to respect myself, how to love myself, how to feel - like truly feel, I learned that your heart breaks so that it can get bigger. I also learned that in order for us to overcome our biggest fears, our vulnerabilities, we have to look that shit in the face, and dive afraid anyway. Thank you to my tribe who picked me up when I was on the ground, hating myself, and so incredibly lost. Wish there was an easier way, but for me there wasn't. 

8. It is a myth that once a cheater, always a cheater. I am not proud of my past, but it also made me who I am today. It makes me value love, makes me feel emotions deeper than the average person, makes me honor commitment on a different level, and makes me treasure my person on a different level. I know what it feels like to be betrayed and I also know that when I meet my king I will do everything in my power to make sure they feel safe, loved, protected, and treasured. I no longer take love lightly, so if I tell you I love you, that means I love you with everything I have, and I won't do anything to jeopardize that.

9. I didn't love myself. I cheated because I couldn't look myself in the mirror. Sure, I have always been confident, intelligent, successful in my career, bordering on cocky. But those traits were designed to mirror a little girl who missed meeting or knowing her Daddy, who never felt safe, who was cynical about love, who compartmentalized her emotions out of fear, who ran from commitment and herself, and who couldn't show up for herself, so of course she couldn't show up for someone else. Over time I have learned how to love myself, and well you start to show up differently for other people. I am not currently in a relationship, but I know that when I am I will love and treasure myself as much as I treasure my king.

10. You are perfect just the way you are. Whether you have cheated or been cheated on this experience doesn't define you. Learn from it, reflect on it, love yourself through it, forgive yourself, and believe in yourself. You are perfect and these life experiences shape us, make us beautiful and take us to the next level of this game of life. Get up and rise from those ashes and fucking win!!

I would love to end this blog post by telling you that I found my happily ever after, but not all fairytales end with a glass slipper and a castle. I can't tie this blog post up with a pretty bow, but what I can tell you is that when you are suffering reach for your support system, when its difficult pray/meditate, and if you need me I will always be here to hold your hand without judgment. I refuse to let my past define me, and so I choose to ask for forgiveness for those I hurt, take a moment of gratitude for those who hurt me, and surrender.

I can also tell you that I love myself a little more everyday. I celebrate who I am and I am now able to look myself in the mirror. I know that in my next relationship I will have both of my feet in, I will not run from commitment, I will love them with my head and my heart, I will speak my truth, and I will be vulnerable even when it's uncomfortable.