When I was a 911 Dispatcher I often hung-up the phone with domestic violence victims and asked myself,"why don't they just leave?" I couldn't understand why I would hear from the same callers time after time, night after night, and yet as the abuse continued to escalate, they continued to endure it.

 I hate to admit this, but I was judgmental as they shared their stories of emotional and physical abuse. I was frustrated and angry as I heard their children crying in the background, and yet they wouldn't get them out of that situation. I was irritated as I had to dispatch another officer to the same house we had already been out to three times that night, as they violated their own restraining orders. I was pissed after they left the shelters only to go back to the men who continued to abuse them.

I was a strong, independent, successful, intelligent, and financially secure female. I was cocky in the though that domestic violence would never impact my own personal life, as it was something that happened to other people, not me. But let me tell you, there is no demographic, and nobody is outside the scope of control. 

So, let me tell you why they don't just leave.

1. Isolation - by the time the abuse occurs you are alone. You are away from your friends and family, you do not have a support system, and you sacrificed so much that you are committed to trying to make it right, even if that means sacrificing yourself. And you continue to isolate yourself more, protecting the man that you love, withdrawing deeper and deeper into yourself. 

2. Love - after every event there is the promise of love, the apologies that give you hope, the belief that you are going to make everything better.....until the next time. There are the gifts, the nights out, the trips, and the experiences that are supposed to make you forget. 

3. Justification - with every new incident there is a new set of justifications - alcohol involved, stress, you poked the bear, you didn't back down, you hit their trigger buttons, you deserved it, if only you were better. And with that often comes their complaints about you - you are too much, too intense, too attractive to other people, too outgoing, too flirtatious, etc. 

4. Sacrifice - there is always something you don't want to lose, and that is exactly the way it was designed. You don't want to give up your home, your family, your image, your money, or countless other things that you just don't want to give up. So you sacrifice yourself instead. 

5. Disbelief - I must be misunderstanding what is occurring, this can't be happening to me, maybe I was drunk, there must be a valid reason for this happening. Were his hands really around my throat? 

6. Judgment - this happens to other people, this does not happen to me.

7. The Good Times - in between the bad times, there are good times, times which make you want to forget those nights of hell. So, you continue to hope that you can just be good, for a longer period of time, and maybe it won't happen again. 

8. Embarrassment - How do I get out? How do I tell the world that after I judged that it happened to me? How do I tell my friends and family that I had yet another failed relationship? 

9. Fear - with each incident it escalates and when you are in the middle of it there are times that you don't recognize your partner, and you feel primal fear. You look the person you are supposed to love in the face and they are unrecognizable. 

10. Blame - you get to a point where you feel that you are to blame. Hell, you may even believe you deserved it. I must have done something to provoke this. Shit, was I flirting with that bartender? Was my skirt too short? Was I too outgoing? Maybe I am too intense?

But, let me tell you something you did not deserve it, you did not provoke it, you did not cause it, and if you need a place to stay, money, a hand to hold, courage, or to talk, I am here. I don't care if it's the first time or the thirteenth, the story is different for all of us. 

For me, three was the magic number. I never looked back. I have spent a lot of hours in therapy, and honestly until she said the word trauma I thought I had come out of the experience unscathed. But just like any life experiences we carry the battle wounds, even if they aren't physically ingrained on our bodies. I got lucky, luckier than a lot of women, in that I walked away without retaliation, permanent injury, or future impact. 

I do not see myself as a victim, as this is a reality of many, a story way too familiar for women throughout this country. If anything I see myself as joining a club, one that nobody asked to be a member of, and the membership card is often invisible. 

However, I do owe a lot of women an apology, for ever doubting you as you called me for help. I understand now that you couldn't just leave, your situation was not easy, that you were trying to survive, and do the best you could. I get it that you were trying to protect your kids by not making the situation worse in that moment, that the abuse is often layered (physical, emotional, financial, etc). I have spent countless years doing research and understanding the cycle of domestic violence, the patterns of abuse, and victimology. You are not alone. 

I hope that at least on one of those 911 calls I was able to make a difference and help someone out of a difficult situation. I hope that I gave another woman the courage to leave, even when I couldn't. I hope that I never make the mistake of judging another woman again, and instead help when they are reaching out in need. And if you can't leave yet, that is ok, still no judgment, and only love. Just know that when you are ready I am here.