I  didn't mean to love you. You were not mine to love.

I was happy with who I was and where I was at.

I was not looking, content to be finding myself.

I knew what I wanted and needed, but ended up sacrificing it all for another day in your arms.

I thought the feeling I was searching for was made of dreams, and was a reality I would never find.  I truly did not think the "love" I craved would ever be mine.

 You made me find my dreams, and turned them into a nightmare. 

It started with small gestures from a secret admirer. Notes on my car, in my classroom, or found in random places.

But you came into my life like a hurricane, a breath of fresh air - consistent, making the effort, ensuring I was a priority, truly making me feel beautiful, smart, and funny. You got to know me, like truly know me. You still to this day know more about me than any person on this planet. 

I have never experienced an emotional, intellectual, and physical connection so strong....and may never find it again.

I knew you had my heart long before you ever knew. 

I fought loving you with everything I had, but I lost and continued to lose.

The moments we had  together were fun, funny, intense, passionate, easy, and so much more.

But I cried myself to sleep, alone, more nights than I care to remember. 

I lived for one captured moment after another - the trips where we could be a "couple," the times you could be mine, the sex that would keep me going for days with euphoric memories. 

I tried not to think about the consequences, the betrayal of ourselves and others that continued to occur. 

I continued to get lost with you.

I craved the mundane - holding hands in the grocery store, making you dinner, being able to kiss you on the sidewalk. 

I wanted a life with you.

I felt and felt it all in every moment we had, whether we were watching a game or you were looking into my eyes.

I fell, and fell hard. 

You became my best friend. You were the person I confided in, told about my day, shared random thoughts with, and you became such a big part of my life, I couldn't imagine life without you....until I had to find a way to pick up the pieces and rebuild my life.

I sacrificed myself - disrespecting myself and not showing myself enough love to look at myself in the mirror everyday.

There were nights and weekends and trips when you could not be reached. You were not mine and I had constant reminders that although I may have had your heart, your loyalty and commitment was to another. They destroyed me, but yet I continued to hope. 

Our memories continue to be compiled, our love continued to grow, our intimacy unmatched, a part of each others daily lives that only made me crave more. 

All I wanted was for you to be mine, something I could never have. 

I continued to fight for you. I had never fought before, but felt you were worth it. Losing the fight with myself in those moments.

I had visions of a "happily ever after," so confident that we had the greatest love story, only to be left broken hearted and confused. 

I had to break my own heart and choose myself, and questioned that decision every minute of everyday.

I continued to wake up for months, looking for you next to me in my bed, surprised day after day to find your spot empty.

I watched my phone, expecting to see your icon on my phone, only it didn't ring.

I continued to cry myself to sleep, but it was because there was a hole in my heart, grieving not only the man I loved, but also my best friend.

I continued to hope that one day you would realize you made the biggest mistake and come back for me, only to realize our story didn't have that ending. 

The thought of "us" still brings tears to my eyes - a combination of memories, heart break, forgiveness for myself, love, and so much more. 

And in those moments I put one foot in front of the other. I take a deep breath. I pray. And I say thank you because I loved. 

I was raised in California, in a liberal community. I had a hippie mother who embraced the cultural ideals of love that were so prevalent in the 1970's. I was taught from a young age that love is love, regardless of age, gender, ethnicity, religion, etc. I knew no different.

I was a shy child. Yes, I know that is hard to believe if you met me today. I was taught to make eye contact, to not hide behind my mothers skirts, to have manners and treat everyone with respect.

I would spend my summers in Atlanta, Georgia visiting family.

I was about 8 or 9 (I think) and I was with my family in Downtown. There was a man on the corner playing music, a saxophone I believe. He was an older black man with big brown eyes. His music made me want to dance.

I looked up at him and smiled, making eye contact. 

As we continued to walk, I got scolded. I was told not to make eye contact and smile at him, that he is not someone that I should be smiling at. I asked why and got no response.

I could not understand why the lessons I was taught by my mother would not hold true in this moment. I did what I was taught, which  was to make eye contact and smile. However, instead of receiving praise and accolades for my good behavior, I was reprimanded.

At the end of the summer I flew home to California. That incident had stuck with me and I asked my Mom what I did wrong. 

I did not know the story of the Civil War. I had no clue that our country was built on the backs of slaves and that racism was very much alive and well in this home of the free. I was too young to understand or see color.  I saw only humanity. 

My Mom asked me if the man I smiled at was black and I didn't have the vocabulary to answer that question. As a child all I knew was that I did something wrong and I didn't know why. I didn't see that mans race, economic status, age or gender. I appreciated his music. The end.

I remembered this incident as an adult, a memory of my first experience being aware of racism. It stood out as there was a contradiction between the ideals I was being taught as a child. It stood out because it went again my foundation of love and humanity. It stood out because as I got older the moments came into focus. I saw the segregation more and more with each visit to the South. I started to see the divide back home in California. 

The question often arises as to whether or not racism is taught. In my opinion, the answer is 100% yes. It is taught by the actions, words, and thoughts of those around us. It is passed on from generation to generation. It is not always seen, felt or heard because often those learning are children and they only emulate those around them. 

I am glad as a child I was taught to question, but I also know that is not the norm. I am glad that as an adult I continue to question because it is only through all of us asking questions that we can start to rebuild from a history that is wrought with the blood of our forefathers. 

As I reflect upon another lap around the sun, I can't help but think of the way I thought my life would be when I was a child. Like many of us, my life has not turned out the way I expected. I have definitely had a lot more bumps and bruises than I ever anticipated. I do not live in the fairytale that I once thought I was destined. But ya know what? There is a lot about my life that just doesn't surprise me.

I was the child that played office. From a young age, I lived a life of "make believe" in which I spent time on flights with my stuffed animals or went to the office that existed with my desk in the closet on my Fisher Price First Computer or with a stack of colored pens (still love those to this day).

 My dress-up closet did not consist of princess dresses, but centered more on high powered business heels or my super-girl outfit. Ok, sure I probably did have a crown or two, but that is well deserved because I knew I was a Queen from a young age. 

Sure, I had baby dolls like the rest of my 5 year old friends, but I did not play Mom. And my Cabbage Patch kid was African American well before diversity and inclusion were phrases that were used in vernacular. Side Note: I actually refused to adopt a white Cabbage Patch and because I lived in white bread America, she got shipped from Atlanta to accommodate my adamant 6 year old dreams. I did not grow up ever saying,"ya know what I want to be more than life itself....a Mother."

I was not the little girl who dreamt of her wedding - picking out every detail - from the wedding dress, to the groom, to the venue. And to be honest, I have been married twice, and my ex-husbands planned both of those weddings.

And I have to chuckle because as I sit here on the eve of my birthday there is no coincidence that I am on a business trip in a beautiful hotel in a big city. I am wearing a silk blouse, dress slacks, and paten leather high heels....and super girl panties.

I have recently started a new job, a level up in my career, in every sense of the word. I have more responsibility, more visibility, more creativity and more at stake.

I travel for a living...a lot! I have 12 more states in the US to cross off my list and well a ton of countries to conquer internationally, but the amount I have learned from my travels is absolutely invaluable and I am beyond grateful for the people, places and things I have seen, heard and talked to. Truly one of the most incredible gifts of my life.

Sure, just like all of us, there are things that my heart yearns for. I would kill to have my king by my side or I haven't adopted a black baby, but what do I know....maybe those are areas of my life that are still coming. I would love to own my won home or I would kill to go to Iceland. 

I have found that every time I thought I had a life plan, I have been redirected. I thought I was going to a private college that would have set me up for a successful journalism career, but I got redirected and ended up being a 911 Dispatcher....which I loved with every ounce of my soul. I have had relationships that I thought would be my "happily ever after," but they turned out to be an incredible lesson for a period of time, a stepping stone. I have had careers that made me feel like I was compromising who I was or what I believed in, but yet I am still grateful for the incredible lessons they taught me. I have had people enter and leave my life, but they have all left an imprint on my heart, and played the role they were supposed to in this journey called life. 

And so as I sit here looking out of my hotel window - it has a beautiful city scape, there is a glass of wine in my hand, and I feel grateful for all that I have, all that I have seen, all of the amazing people in my life, and all that I have accomplished. I can say thank you for that little girl that taught me to have big dreams, follow her heart, love big even if it means breaking that big 'ol heart, and not let anyone or anything get in her way. 

So, let's raise a glass to another rotation around the sun - I hope for more success, more gratitude, more love, more alignment, more adventuress, more conversations with strangers, and more experiences that touch my heart. 

I am not done....so when I grow up.....

 For clarification, I am not going to literally teach you how to fly because I prefer to leave that to the professionals. I am not one of those fliers who thinks they can do the pilots jobs better than they can, or to be honest any airline employees job....they are in a tough position and I prefer to empathizes with them and show them some love, hoping they will upgrade me or at least give me a free bag of pretzels.

However, since I spend more time on a plane than I care to explain....always have and always will....thought it might be helpful if I share some flying/travel tips to make all of our lives easier. I started flying at 6 months old. My family was back in Jersey, however I was born a Cali girl. Since I was geographically undesirable as a Grandchild that required me to learn how to fly at a young age...and I haven't stopped.

So, let me help you  a bit with some tips that will help me as I continue to fly and that will help you so you don't get a suitcase to the head by one of us more experienced flyers.

1. Let's start with boarding. Unless you are flying Southwest you have a boarding group on your ticket. Should be numerical usually a 1-5 or something similar. Normally, boarding group 1 starts first and it continues from there. Sure, sometimes there are some other people who get to board before group 1, but pretty sure you will know if you are one of those people because  they are usually either in a wheelchair or travel more than all of us put together. Now, there is no hurry to board a plane with boarding groups because that means you already have a seat and everyone in the gate area will get a seat on the plane. Take your time! Now, if you are flying Southwest you have a different agreement in which you have a letter and a # and I understand your desire to get on that plane first to avoid aisle seats, smelly people, or small children, but unless you are willing to pay, you still have to follow the letters and numbers on your seat so still no need to bum rush the plane. 

2. When you board the plane sit the f-down. Standing near your seat, in the aisle, around other peoples seats, near the flight attendant, hell just standing at all is just not helpful. We all, I think, have the same goal, which is to get off the ground, and you standing anywhere is just straight up not helping. I promise you this will not be your last chance to stand EVER, so please take a seat.

3. If you have a giant suitcase, please check it. I love WWE or WWF or any of those other wrestling acronyms as much as the rest of you, but this is not the time to practice your rope skills. The bins are not adjustable and so they are not flexible to the size of your suitcase or the fact that you decided to bring your entire wardrobe or garage band with you on vacation. Please just check your bag, because you fighting with your bag in the overhead compartment is not fun, funny, helpful, or straight up going to work. They are still going to check your bag. 

4. Since we are talking luggage, lets talk carry-ons. You are allowed 2 carry-ons on most airlines so if you went shopping on your way to the airport those still count. If you are in Hawaii and you are trying to bring back a pineapple in a box that also still counts as a carry-on.

5. Now, that you are hopefully on a plane and your luggage is stored let's talk about plane etiquette. So, ya know when you go to a restaurant and there are some rules we all follow - goes a little something like - no shirts, no shoes, no service. Well, those rules should also apply on a plane. I haven't seen a whole lot of topless flyers and I have been to Vegas quite a few times, but I have seen quite a few flyers take off their shoes, or even worse, their socks. Please don't. Just don't. We all know our feet swell during flying please wear appropriate shoes such as Birkenstocks (with no socks) or slippers or hell even shoes that are too big to accommodate flight swellage (I don't think that is a word).

6. Plane cracks are not for body parts....especially other peoples body parts. Please keep your hands, feet, and other body parts I shouldn't have to call out away from cracks (get your mind out of a gutter you know what I am talking about). By cracks I mean seat cracks, armrest cracks, etc.

7.  Btw, planes are cold. They are usually always cold so please don't dress like a whore and act surprised....unless that is your game...and if so rock it and let me know how it works, although I am pretty sure that is not a game anyone wants to see a 40-something year old women play....so just do you at that point.

8. Plane tickets are f-ing expensive so why are you surprised when you see that the food and drinks are equally expensive? Just plan for it or bring food. Honestly, in my opinion, the homemade PB&J is way better than that can of airplane Pringles or bagel sandwich will ever be for $16....but that is just my opinion. Now, also my opinion, but sometimes depending on who is sitting next to you, it is survival to buy cocktails on the plane. For example, the international military contractor sitting next to you wanting to talk to you for four hours about apple cider vinegar gummy vitamins, well worth the investment of a $12 glass of wine. We call that survival of the fittest!

9. Before we talk about landing, I just want to say that it's important to remember that the pilot, the gate person, the flight attendant and the people you see in an airline uniform are not the people responsible for your flight delays or cancellations so please don't be an asshole. They are like you and I, just trying to bring home a paycheck to feed their family and put a roof over their head, please be kind.

10. Now landing, you will not get to the front of the plane any faster by being the first person to stand-up, fight for your bag out of the overhead compartment, stand in the aisle, and cut off other travelers. We all have the same end game - to get out of the plane. Many of us are trying to make connections and a lot of us have cut it too close. Please be courteous because watching you be a jackass, although entertaining if I drank enough $12 glasses of wine, is not productive for anyone.

Would love for all of you to share any additional travel advice I missed....thoughts?

 Let's start with the logistics - yes, I know crier is someone who yells announcements, but cryer is a female hawk, so there really isn't such a word that applies to what I am trying to describe....so just go with it!

I spent years without tears.

I wore the fact that I didn't cry like a badge of honor.

My ex-husband told me, "we have been together for 8 years and I have never seen you shed a tear."

And I was proud of that.

I took horrific calls as a 911 Dispatcher - provided CPR over the phone to a 6 month old child who did not make it, listened to a man take his own life with a gun shot to the head, heard my Officers scream over the radio, and I just continued to compartmentalize it all, without emotion.

I did not cry in my personal life - Grandma passed away, ended relationships in which I was not emotionally involved anyway, dreams were shattered. I just rode the waves.

It wasn't something intentional, it just was. I wasn't euphorically happy, although I wore that smile on my face as if I was.

I got so good at masking my emotions that at times I didn't even know what was real.

I was afraid that if I let myself cry or let myself feel I wouldn't know how to stop. And there was some shit down deep that I didn't want to face. I was truly afraid that if I started to cry, I wouldn't be able to stop. 

Over the years, I have started to learn how to cry, how to feel. I started to deal with that shit down deep.

It is almost like learning how to walk again.

I started to allow myself to feel. I started to learn how to open my heart and learn how to love. I had my first heart break, and believe me these are not just related to romantic love, although I had that type as well. I started to let the tears fall.

I have found that it is like peeling back the layers of an onion (pun intended since they make you cry). 

But it is also part of living, part of the human experience.

We have been given emotions, to feel, to love, to hurt. 

Although many of us have been raised with the idea that our emotions were a weakness, it is time to break free and to truly embrace them for the gift of living that they are. 

And ya know what? The tears did start to fall and I haven't been able to stop them. And I love it!

I now cry at the finale of every Top Chef. Sure, I know what is going to happen. Someone is going to win! But I can see how excited they are, how life changing this experience is for them. And I shed tears of joy.

I cry at the gravestones of those I lost.

I cry at the weddings of family and friends, or at the birth of their children.

I cry when I open my heart or when I let it get broken. Because our hearts break so they can get bigger.

I cry when I read a good book, sharing in the characters life experiences.

I cry when one chapter closes, and another opens. Whether that chapter involves a career change, relationship ending, moving yet again from family and friends, or anything in between.

I recently changed careers and ended a toxic relationship. I cried when I told my team I was leaving, when I said good-bye to my customers, and I cried night after night for the love I let go. But because I shed those tears, I am also able to experience the excitement and happiness of starting a new career, meeting new people, traveling to new places. I can be confident that when the time comes I will be able to open my heart again to the romantic love that is supposed to be mine. I can also be confident that I will continue to cry throughout those experiences.

Don't get me wrong, I still don't have this crying thing down. I still tend to cry behind closed doors and usually only share my emotions with those I trust, but I am learning. 

What I can say is that my life feels a hell of a lot more authentic than it did when my face was dry. I know and recognize my emotions. I see the fact that I feel as a strength and I let the tears fall, allowing myself to feel the depth of the experience. 

I am learning.

 I started in the virtual workspace well before Covid hit. So, honestly my life didn't change a whole lot when we were shut down for the pandemic, at least professionally. My personal life, well, that is a totally different story.

However, I kind of would like to think of myself as kind of a pro when it comes to the virtual work thing. And I have found some really high highs and some really low lows that I would like to share with y'all.

This is what I have found:

1. I get to wear yoga pants to work, or hell no pants if I really want to. I can avoid "hard pants" most of the time. Side note, hard pants are jeans or anything other than yoga pants and they are torturous. In general, I am anti-pants, however there is a time and place for pants, just prefer soft pants when those times arise.

2. I don't have a commute. I can literally stumble from my bedroom to the office and turn on my computer. There are truly days when I don't go outside, this can be considered a plus or a minus depending on how you look at it. But I really do not miss traffic - the endless sitting on freeways watching the people in the car next to you stare back at you. Nope, don't miss that for a sec.

3. If I have RBF (Resting Bitch Face), which I have fairly often, or I am just grumpy AF, I can just turn off my camera. I am actually legendary for my video RBF. And damn technology if my camera isn't working uh oh!

4. Nobody knows I am short. I met one of my Project Managers in person for the first time a few months ago and he said to me,"wow you look so much taller on camera." That is honestly the most creative way anyone has ever told me I am short, and well I am pretty stoked I look tall on camera.

5. When the internet goes down, a ransomware attack happens to your company, or you lose power, those are all the equivalent of a virtual workplace "snow day," and they happen way more often than actual white stuff falling from the sky, especially here in California. Magical!

6. I don't have to deal with moody co-workers. In the virtual work environment, moody co-workers just require you to re-schedule meetings. You never have to stress about the co-worker who is too spunky in the morning or the one who always wakes up on the wrong side of the bed because they are both doing those irritating things in the privacy of their own homes. My co-worker is white, fluffy and has four legs (she is a cat in case you needed clarification), and you just toss her off the chair if she is too spunky or grumpy.

7. My Amazon packages never have to feel abandoned on my porch. I am home and I am waiting for you all day, regardless of how many times UPS changes the delivery time, I will be there for you.

8. Covid weight is irrelevant unless you are one of those rare people who carry all of your weight in your shoulders. My ass expanded during Covid and due to cameras that only show the top half of my body and the above listed yoga pants, and well breaking up with my scale, nobody is any wiser.

9. You can change offices as many times as you want. I can literally work from my real office or I can sit at the dining room table or have couch coffee talks for a more intimate setting. Hell, I can even work remote remote and take my office to a hotel, coffee shop, on the road, or anywhere a hot spot can find you. It is actually pretty damn cool that you can literally work from anywhere.

10. You never have to worry about packing a lunch because said lunch is sitting in your fridge. And thanks to Instacart or DoorDash if said lunch is not in the fridge you have other options. Another lunch plus, you never have to worry about the klepto co-worker who likes to rifle through others lunches in search of snacks for themselves. Or the random office science projects found in break room fridges for that matter. The science projects are your doing and well I have never had anyone break into my house for my leftover pizza.

There are definitely other pluses and minuses, but these are my top ten for the moment. What do you all love or hate about working remote?

Let's be real for a second - change, self-awareness and growth are absolute fucking hell!! The people who describe the change process as some blissed out meditation on a yoga mat overlooking the ocean while they chant in a bikini are either straight up liars, taking way better drugs than I am, lying to themselves or others, or on a totally different level than I am. Those bumper stickers that describe change and enlightenment as sunshine and roses are absolute bullshit, in my opinion. 

In my experience, this journey, although I can't stop it, has been one that has dragged me down a path while I am kicking and screaming. 

Don't get me wrong it is totally the path I need to be on and I am so grateful for what it has taught me and what I have learned. But easy, blissful, peaceful, and joyful are not the words that ever come to mind. Change is messy, painful, emotional, gut wrenching, heart breaking and has, at least for me, required me to get down on my knees and straight up pray, cry, and scream.

My path of self-awareness started shortly before my divorce. As I have mentioned in previous blogs I was living a life that should have been perfect, or at least it was on paper. I had the house. I had the husband. I had the career. I had the money. And my heart knew something was missing. That was in 2012. This is not a new journey for me. 

My journey has consisted of physical changes - where I lived, my career, and the relationship I was in. It has consisted of emotional changes-going from a place where I didn't know how to feel or open my heart, just being numb,  to one where I have learned how to feel at times more than I ever wanted to. It has consisted of spiritual changes - finding my own spiritual path and practice. It has consisted of mental changes - choosing self-love, gratitude and joy over being cynical and beat down. It has required me to look at my past, my patterns, my childhood and all of the ugly that is so much easier locking in a closet.

I have found that for me, the journey has consisted of starts and stops, two steps forward and one step back. I have times when I felt euphorically happy, on top of the world, and confident that I had my shit together. And I also have times when I am crying on the beach or praying on a cliff overlooking the ocean. 

My journey has led me to a meditation retreat in Costa Rica that had me surfing the turquoise waters to a road trip throughout the US alone to find myself, and incredible experiences that warmed my heart - a church in Asheville, NC or the Roanoke Star overlooking the skyline. It has led me on a food tour of Sicily to culinary school to embrace what I love. It has led me to experience incredible moments with friends and family whether it was jumping out of an airplane or sitting by a fire pit with a glass of wine, talking about life. 

My journey has consisted of highs and lows and everything in between. I have known the celebration of success and the failure of defeat. I have had some of my biggest lessons during unexpected times and experiences - a car accident that broke my neck or having a little sister from Big Brothers Big Sisters or sitting on a tree in the middle of the forest.

I have been hypnotized, had energy work, acupuncture, and other spiritual experiences that are too personal to describe. I have prayed to every God and Goddess there is a potential to believe in.

I have had periods of time where I tried or wanted to try to go back to my previous life and beliefs, a simpler life before I wanted something more. But for me, once I started down this path of living life, really living life, there was no turning back, no matter how hard I tried or wanted to try.

I have lost people, places and things. I have had to remind myself that they were not the people meant to be in my life, regardless of how badly I wanted them there. But I have also had people who have held my hand on every step of this journey and picked me up when I fell and continued to fall. And they are still with me today.

I am not at the end of the journey, or at least I hope not, but I do feel like I am closing another chapter. I am at a place where I am again looking at new beginnings - a new career, a new life, open to new love, meeting new people, and leveling up in living the life I was meant to live. There are some days when I wake up grateful and other days I wake up frustrated. There are days that I just want to drink wine and forget the fucked up state of the world and there are other times I am hopeful that love can unite us all. 

I write this not to pretend to be in some holy place, because as you already know I am full on embracing the mess and by mess I mean a hot mess most of the time. I am writing this to say wherever you are on your journey it is ok. And it is definitely ok if you are not zen as fuck. It is ok if you are kicking and screaming through life with  me. And ya know what if you are zen as fuck please respond to this blog and give those of us who aren't some damn good advice. Namaste!

 What is Thirsty Thursday you ask?

Well, for many of you it may be an excuse to go to the bar and drink copious amounts of cocktails. And no judgment of that Thirsty Thursday, however during a pandemic those traditional Thirsty Thursday options were just not available to us. Now add in the fact that I am geographically undesirable to my friends (I live in Nor Cal and they are in So Cal), and we had to come up with something more creative.

So, at my house Thirsty Thursday is a standing Zoom date I have with two of my friends. The friendship began when I lived down there and under normal circumstances the friendship was maintained by frequent girls weekends or trips together. Add in a pandemic and well those normal activities came to a screeching halt.

I am not sure whose idea this was, pretty sure it wasn't mine, but at the beginning of Covid we were all feeling pretty isolated, as was just about everyone I know, bordering on uncivilized and unsocialized and we came up with the idea of having a standing Thirsty Thursday wine call. 

This call has continued for the last 2 years and it has been an incredible blessing!

Now, every Thursday at 5pm PST the three of us pour a glass of wine, jump on Zoom and spend the next 2-ish hours laughing, catching up, and sharing random pieces of information.

As we come out of Covid (I hope) we have continued this tradition as it has given us an opportunity to stay in touch, especially as I travel for work and live 12 hours away from two of my dearest friends.  I have even had Thirsty Thursday while on the road  from hotels across the country. Yup they are lucky enough to see the ugly hotel carpet and parking lot views from throughout the US.

Thirsty Thursday has become such an important part of my life and it has allowed us to feel connected during really difficult times in our personal lives, as well as this world. 

We have done matching shirt calls, cooking calls, dance party calls, and well of course talk party calls. Side note, as a kid when my Mom wanted to talk about something serious she would tell me we needed to have a "talk party."

We talk about everything from what is going on in our lives and let me tell you we have all gone through some pretty big life events - new grandbabies, new jobs, the loss of loved ones (human and furry), the loss of relationships/friendships, life stressors and so much more. 

We have also laughed so hard we cried covering topics such as glow in the dark margarita glasses or designs for new inventions we think the world needs. We also have a running last of Netflix shows, recipes, or podcasts that we share (some ideas better than others). We collect random things we want to share with each other throughout the week and word vomit all over each other every Thursday night.

More than anything it has been a touchstone for me these last 2 years. It has given me something to look forward to every week and during Covid it was honestly the only thing often on my calendar other than work. It has provided me with a sounding board, a social outlet, real human connection in a time where our country and the people in it tend to be completely divided, and it has been an incredible support system during a time of big life changes. 

Many people who know of this tradition are confused by the fact that we have continued these conversations now that we could all be sitting in the same room, but this allows us to continue to connect regardless of where we are in the world or in life. It has allowed us to stay in touch and be an active part in each others lives when its so easy to get overwhelmed by the day to day. It is amazing to have friends who know the details of my life and I theirs regardless of outside circumstances. It has honestly brought us closer together.

I have found that it has been super helpful having this standing meeting on my calendar. It is a commitment to myself, my friendships and a reminder as to who and what is important in my life. At times it becomes too easy to push off those things that aren't required and this helps me show up for myself and those I love. 

So, want to take a moment to say thank you for incredible friendship, to the commitment of friendships and also to share this idea with anyone who is struggling for connection, missing their friends and family, or just want to make their life a little better. Cheers and Happy Thirsty Thursday!

I gave notice after being with my company for a year.

There are a lot of reasons I realized my current position was not the right fit for me, however ya know how sometimes we have defining moments. In my opinion, those are those periods of time in which you have immense clarity.

I was recently meeting with my boss and he told me that "you just can't take it personally."

I realized in that moment that in every area of my life, both personal and professional, it is personal. And I also realized that the fact that it's personal allows me to live my life with passion and it is my motivation for doing a good job, making a difference. 

I am in software implementation, but not just any software, I implement the software that is in 911 Communications Centers, Police cars and Fire engines. It is personal. It is personal because I wore that headset and sat in that chair. It is personal because I was married to a Police Officer. It is personal because I have friends and family still in the industry that rely on my technology to help them make split second decisions that can be the difference between life and death. It is personal. 

I have spent the last few days telling my team, my co-workers and now my customers that I am leaving. I have been on the verge of tears for every single conversation because I have made friends, established relationships, and they have trusted me and I them. I also know that many of them will continue to stay in my life long after I have gone from the company. Because it is personal. 

I also realized that for me I should take my career personally because not only is it how I survive, but it is also how I thrive. It gives me a sense of satisfaction, allows me to give back to this vast world, and fuels my success as a human. It is personal. 

In my personal life, I have recently been told I live life differently. And ya know what I do! And I don't think that is a bad thing.  I live life as if I am not promised a tomorrow. I live life like its one giant adventure and one hell of a ride. I live life like the people that are in my life mean the world to me and need to be reminded of that regularly. I live my life as if this world has so much to teach me and share with me. I live my life as if its personal because ya know what? It is! It's my life! It is personal.

I spend my time doing what I love - cooking, Pilates, riding the Peloton, spending time with friends and family, traveling or honestly embracing whatever is in front of me in that moment. Because I take that moment personally. 

I put down my phone. I turn off the tv. I remove distractions. Because I believe in personal connections, real conversations, conversations that matter. I believe that often times people don't remember what you say, but they sure as hell remember the way you made them feel. Why? Because it's personal. 

We get one life, shouldn't it be personal? And if it isn't personal doesn't that indicate that you aren't truly living? That you aren't in the right career, relationship, living in the right place, spending time with the right people, exploring the right things, embracing the right passions. I can't answer that question for you, but I know for me that if it isn't personal then I am on the wrong path, with the wrong person, doing the wrong things.

I strive to live a life where everything is personal, not in a my feelings got hurt kind of way, but in a way that my life is made up of moments of personal connections, personal experiences, personal memories, personal passions, personal feelings, and personal motivations. 

And so in my exit interview, whether its to God, my maker, Human Resources, etc - I only have one thing to say - To Me It Is Personal.