For clarification, I am not going to literally teach you how to fly because I prefer to leave that to the professionals. I am not one of those fliers who thinks they can do the pilots jobs better than they can, or to be honest any airline employees job....they are in a tough position and I prefer to empathizes with them and show them some love, hoping they will upgrade me or at least give me a free bag of pretzels.

However, since I spend more time on a plane than I care to explain....always have and always will....thought it might be helpful if I share some flying/travel tips to make all of our lives easier. I started flying at 6 months old. My family was back in Jersey, however I was born a Cali girl. Since I was geographically undesirable as a Grandchild that required me to learn how to fly at a young age...and I haven't stopped.

So, let me help you  a bit with some tips that will help me as I continue to fly and that will help you so you don't get a suitcase to the head by one of us more experienced flyers.

1. Let's start with boarding. Unless you are flying Southwest you have a boarding group on your ticket. Should be numerical usually a 1-5 or something similar. Normally, boarding group 1 starts first and it continues from there. Sure, sometimes there are some other people who get to board before group 1, but pretty sure you will know if you are one of those people because  they are usually either in a wheelchair or travel more than all of us put together. Now, there is no hurry to board a plane with boarding groups because that means you already have a seat and everyone in the gate area will get a seat on the plane. Take your time! Now, if you are flying Southwest you have a different agreement in which you have a letter and a # and I understand your desire to get on that plane first to avoid aisle seats, smelly people, or small children, but unless you are willing to pay, you still have to follow the letters and numbers on your seat so still no need to bum rush the plane. 

2. When you board the plane sit the f-down. Standing near your seat, in the aisle, around other peoples seats, near the flight attendant, hell just standing at all is just not helpful. We all, I think, have the same goal, which is to get off the ground, and you standing anywhere is just straight up not helping. I promise you this will not be your last chance to stand EVER, so please take a seat.

3. If you have a giant suitcase, please check it. I love WWE or WWF or any of those other wrestling acronyms as much as the rest of you, but this is not the time to practice your rope skills. The bins are not adjustable and so they are not flexible to the size of your suitcase or the fact that you decided to bring your entire wardrobe or garage band with you on vacation. Please just check your bag, because you fighting with your bag in the overhead compartment is not fun, funny, helpful, or straight up going to work. They are still going to check your bag. 

4. Since we are talking luggage, lets talk carry-ons. You are allowed 2 carry-ons on most airlines so if you went shopping on your way to the airport those still count. If you are in Hawaii and you are trying to bring back a pineapple in a box that also still counts as a carry-on.

5. Now, that you are hopefully on a plane and your luggage is stored let's talk about plane etiquette. So, ya know when you go to a restaurant and there are some rules we all follow - goes a little something like - no shirts, no shoes, no service. Well, those rules should also apply on a plane. I haven't seen a whole lot of topless flyers and I have been to Vegas quite a few times, but I have seen quite a few flyers take off their shoes, or even worse, their socks. Please don't. Just don't. We all know our feet swell during flying please wear appropriate shoes such as Birkenstocks (with no socks) or slippers or hell even shoes that are too big to accommodate flight swellage (I don't think that is a word).

6. Plane cracks are not for body parts....especially other peoples body parts. Please keep your hands, feet, and other body parts I shouldn't have to call out away from cracks (get your mind out of a gutter you know what I am talking about). By cracks I mean seat cracks, armrest cracks, etc.

7.  Btw, planes are cold. They are usually always cold so please don't dress like a whore and act surprised....unless that is your game...and if so rock it and let me know how it works, although I am pretty sure that is not a game anyone wants to see a 40-something year old women play....so just do you at that point.

8. Plane tickets are f-ing expensive so why are you surprised when you see that the food and drinks are equally expensive? Just plan for it or bring food. Honestly, in my opinion, the homemade PB&J is way better than that can of airplane Pringles or bagel sandwich will ever be for $16....but that is just my opinion. Now, also my opinion, but sometimes depending on who is sitting next to you, it is survival to buy cocktails on the plane. For example, the international military contractor sitting next to you wanting to talk to you for four hours about apple cider vinegar gummy vitamins, well worth the investment of a $12 glass of wine. We call that survival of the fittest!

9. Before we talk about landing, I just want to say that it's important to remember that the pilot, the gate person, the flight attendant and the people you see in an airline uniform are not the people responsible for your flight delays or cancellations so please don't be an asshole. They are like you and I, just trying to bring home a paycheck to feed their family and put a roof over their head, please be kind.

10. Now landing, you will not get to the front of the plane any faster by being the first person to stand-up, fight for your bag out of the overhead compartment, stand in the aisle, and cut off other travelers. We all have the same end game - to get out of the plane. Many of us are trying to make connections and a lot of us have cut it too close. Please be courteous because watching you be a jackass, although entertaining if I drank enough $12 glasses of wine, is not productive for anyone.

Would love for all of you to share any additional travel advice I missed....thoughts?