I  didn't mean to love you. You were not mine to love.

I was happy with who I was and where I was at.

I was not looking, content to be finding myself.

I knew what I wanted and needed, but ended up sacrificing it all for another day in your arms.

I thought the feeling I was searching for was made of dreams, and was a reality I would never find.  I truly did not think the "love" I craved would ever be mine.

 You made me find my dreams, and turned them into a nightmare. 

It started with small gestures from a secret admirer. Notes on my car, in my classroom, or found in random places.

But you came into my life like a hurricane, a breath of fresh air - consistent, making the effort, ensuring I was a priority, truly making me feel beautiful, smart, and funny. You got to know me, like truly know me. You still to this day know more about me than any person on this planet. 

I have never experienced an emotional, intellectual, and physical connection so strong....and may never find it again.

I knew you had my heart long before you ever knew. 

I fought loving you with everything I had, but I lost and continued to lose.

The moments we had  together were fun, funny, intense, passionate, easy, and so much more.

But I cried myself to sleep, alone, more nights than I care to remember. 

I lived for one captured moment after another - the trips where we could be a "couple," the times you could be mine, the sex that would keep me going for days with euphoric memories. 

I tried not to think about the consequences, the betrayal of ourselves and others that continued to occur. 

I continued to get lost with you.

I craved the mundane - holding hands in the grocery store, making you dinner, being able to kiss you on the sidewalk. 

I wanted a life with you.

I felt and felt it all in every moment we had, whether we were watching a game or you were looking into my eyes.

I fell, and fell hard. 

You became my best friend. You were the person I confided in, told about my day, shared random thoughts with, and you became such a big part of my life, I couldn't imagine life without you....until I had to find a way to pick up the pieces and rebuild my life.

I sacrificed myself - disrespecting myself and not showing myself enough love to look at myself in the mirror everyday.

There were nights and weekends and trips when you could not be reached. You were not mine and I had constant reminders that although I may have had your heart, your loyalty and commitment was to another. They destroyed me, but yet I continued to hope. 

Our memories continue to be compiled, our love continued to grow, our intimacy unmatched, a part of each others daily lives that only made me crave more. 

All I wanted was for you to be mine, something I could never have. 

I continued to fight for you. I had never fought before, but felt you were worth it. Losing the fight with myself in those moments.

I had visions of a "happily ever after," so confident that we had the greatest love story, only to be left broken hearted and confused. 

I had to break my own heart and choose myself, and questioned that decision every minute of everyday.

I continued to wake up for months, looking for you next to me in my bed, surprised day after day to find your spot empty.

I watched my phone, expecting to see your icon on my phone, only it didn't ring.

I continued to cry myself to sleep, but it was because there was a hole in my heart, grieving not only the man I loved, but also my best friend.

I continued to hope that one day you would realize you made the biggest mistake and come back for me, only to realize our story didn't have that ending. 

The thought of "us" still brings tears to my eyes - a combination of memories, heart break, forgiveness for myself, love, and so much more. 

And in those moments I put one foot in front of the other. I take a deep breath. I pray. And I say thank you because I loved.