Let's be real for a second - change, self-awareness and growth are absolute fucking hell!! The people who describe the change process as some blissed out meditation on a yoga mat overlooking the ocean while they chant in a bikini are either straight up liars, taking way better drugs than I am, lying to themselves or others, or on a totally different level than I am. Those bumper stickers that describe change and enlightenment as sunshine and roses are absolute bullshit, in my opinion. 

In my experience, this journey, although I can't stop it, has been one that has dragged me down a path while I am kicking and screaming. 

Don't get me wrong it is totally the path I need to be on and I am so grateful for what it has taught me and what I have learned. But easy, blissful, peaceful, and joyful are not the words that ever come to mind. Change is messy, painful, emotional, gut wrenching, heart breaking and has, at least for me, required me to get down on my knees and straight up pray, cry, and scream.

My path of self-awareness started shortly before my divorce. As I have mentioned in previous blogs I was living a life that should have been perfect, or at least it was on paper. I had the house. I had the husband. I had the career. I had the money. And my heart knew something was missing. That was in 2012. This is not a new journey for me. 

My journey has consisted of physical changes - where I lived, my career, and the relationship I was in. It has consisted of emotional changes-going from a place where I didn't know how to feel or open my heart, just being numb,  to one where I have learned how to feel at times more than I ever wanted to. It has consisted of spiritual changes - finding my own spiritual path and practice. It has consisted of mental changes - choosing self-love, gratitude and joy over being cynical and beat down. It has required me to look at my past, my patterns, my childhood and all of the ugly that is so much easier locking in a closet.

I have found that for me, the journey has consisted of starts and stops, two steps forward and one step back. I have times when I felt euphorically happy, on top of the world, and confident that I had my shit together. And I also have times when I am crying on the beach or praying on a cliff overlooking the ocean. 

My journey has led me to a meditation retreat in Costa Rica that had me surfing the turquoise waters to a road trip throughout the US alone to find myself, and incredible experiences that warmed my heart - a church in Asheville, NC or the Roanoke Star overlooking the skyline. It has led me on a food tour of Sicily to culinary school to embrace what I love. It has led me to experience incredible moments with friends and family whether it was jumping out of an airplane or sitting by a fire pit with a glass of wine, talking about life. 

My journey has consisted of highs and lows and everything in between. I have known the celebration of success and the failure of defeat. I have had some of my biggest lessons during unexpected times and experiences - a car accident that broke my neck or having a little sister from Big Brothers Big Sisters or sitting on a tree in the middle of the forest.

I have been hypnotized, had energy work, acupuncture, and other spiritual experiences that are too personal to describe. I have prayed to every God and Goddess there is a potential to believe in.

I have had periods of time where I tried or wanted to try to go back to my previous life and beliefs, a simpler life before I wanted something more. But for me, once I started down this path of living life, really living life, there was no turning back, no matter how hard I tried or wanted to try.

I have lost people, places and things. I have had to remind myself that they were not the people meant to be in my life, regardless of how badly I wanted them there. But I have also had people who have held my hand on every step of this journey and picked me up when I fell and continued to fall. And they are still with me today.

I am not at the end of the journey, or at least I hope not, but I do feel like I am closing another chapter. I am at a place where I am again looking at new beginnings - a new career, a new life, open to new love, meeting new people, and leveling up in living the life I was meant to live. There are some days when I wake up grateful and other days I wake up frustrated. There are days that I just want to drink wine and forget the fucked up state of the world and there are other times I am hopeful that love can unite us all. 

I write this not to pretend to be in some holy place, because as you already know I am full on embracing the mess and by mess I mean a hot mess most of the time. I am writing this to say wherever you are on your journey it is ok. And it is definitely ok if you are not zen as fuck. It is ok if you are kicking and screaming through life with  me. And ya know what if you are zen as fuck please respond to this blog and give those of us who aren't some damn good advice. Namaste!