Let's start with the logistics - yes, I know crier is someone who yells announcements, but cryer is a female hawk, so there really isn't such a word that applies to what I am trying to describe....so just go with it!

I spent years without tears.

I wore the fact that I didn't cry like a badge of honor.

My ex-husband told me, "we have been together for 8 years and I have never seen you shed a tear."

And I was proud of that.

I took horrific calls as a 911 Dispatcher - provided CPR over the phone to a 6 month old child who did not make it, listened to a man take his own life with a gun shot to the head, heard my Officers scream over the radio, and I just continued to compartmentalize it all, without emotion.

I did not cry in my personal life - Grandma passed away, ended relationships in which I was not emotionally involved anyway, dreams were shattered. I just rode the waves.

It wasn't something intentional, it just was. I wasn't euphorically happy, although I wore that smile on my face as if I was.

I got so good at masking my emotions that at times I didn't even know what was real.

I was afraid that if I let myself cry or let myself feel I wouldn't know how to stop. And there was some shit down deep that I didn't want to face. I was truly afraid that if I started to cry, I wouldn't be able to stop. 

Over the years, I have started to learn how to cry, how to feel. I started to deal with that shit down deep.

It is almost like learning how to walk again.

I started to allow myself to feel. I started to learn how to open my heart and learn how to love. I had my first heart break, and believe me these are not just related to romantic love, although I had that type as well. I started to let the tears fall.

I have found that it is like peeling back the layers of an onion (pun intended since they make you cry). 

But it is also part of living, part of the human experience.

We have been given emotions, to feel, to love, to hurt. 

Although many of us have been raised with the idea that our emotions were a weakness, it is time to break free and to truly embrace them for the gift of living that they are. 

And ya know what? The tears did start to fall and I haven't been able to stop them. And I love it!

I now cry at the finale of every Top Chef. Sure, I know what is going to happen. Someone is going to win! But I can see how excited they are, how life changing this experience is for them. And I shed tears of joy.

I cry at the gravestones of those I lost.

I cry at the weddings of family and friends, or at the birth of their children.

I cry when I open my heart or when I let it get broken. Because our hearts break so they can get bigger.

I cry when I read a good book, sharing in the characters life experiences.

I cry when one chapter closes, and another opens. Whether that chapter involves a career change, relationship ending, moving yet again from family and friends, or anything in between.

I recently changed careers and ended a toxic relationship. I cried when I told my team I was leaving, when I said good-bye to my customers, and I cried night after night for the love I let go. But because I shed those tears, I am also able to experience the excitement and happiness of starting a new career, meeting new people, traveling to new places. I can be confident that when the time comes I will be able to open my heart again to the romantic love that is supposed to be mine. I can also be confident that I will continue to cry throughout those experiences.

Don't get me wrong, I still don't have this crying thing down. I still tend to cry behind closed doors and usually only share my emotions with those I trust, but I am learning. 

What I can say is that my life feels a hell of a lot more authentic than it did when my face was dry. I know and recognize my emotions. I see the fact that I feel as a strength and I let the tears fall, allowing myself to feel the depth of the experience. 

I am learning.