I totally believe in the law of attraction, what we put out we attract.

However, I struggle with the idea that we have to live in a constant state of positivity. Sure, I have a gratitude practice and I try to truly celebrate the amazing aspects of my life....hell I even have a sign on my wall that says "grateful," but are we losing the reality of life if we also don't recognize the challenges?

I was recently talking to a friend last weekend and we were talking about how important "real conversations" are to us. We don't want to just talk about the weather or our jobs, we want to talk about difficult things - relationship struggles, feeling not good enough, how hard it is to watch your kids grow up, the pressure we put on ourselves as women, depression and anxiety, the state of the world, and so much more.

We all  have those friends or family members who love to stay in the fluff - rattling on about what their dogs ate for breakfast or what they wore to dinner last night. And sure those conversations have a time and place, but are we losing opportunities for connection when we keep our chats on the surface? Are they burying their head in the sand instead of truly embracing the mess of life?

Now, do we also have people in our lives who truly speak only of sunshine and roses? I don't know about you, but I have some in my life. And don't get me wrong I admire their positivity, but it also makes me wonder if it's real. Is this truly how they feel or are they waxing poetic about the glory of all things life to convince themselves? Are they in denial? I also wonder if they are missing opportunities for real connection by not sharing pieces of themselves and opening up about the hardships we all encounter.

I feel like as a society we have gotten too damn good at surface connections. It is standard that when someone asks us how we are, we always say good, regardless of how we are really feeling. What would happen if we started to answer the question with the truth? Our truth.

I have started to think about whether we can have it both ways - can I believe in the law of attraction and bring amazing things into my life, yet still maintain real connections and real conversations? Because I don't know about you I don't want to attract love if we are only talking about what we are having for dinner, I want to know their fears, their fantasies, and their dreams. I don't want to attract a career, any ol career, I want to attract the career that lights me up and brings out the passion in me. And so I have started to believe that I can be positive and still be real to attract that which is important in my life. And having these real conversations and connection will bring me one step closer to attracting that which my heart desires - and if not at least I have made some amazing friends along the way.

What are your thoughts?

Somedays I feel like I have my shit together, but most days are messy. And I am learning how to embrace the mess. We often put so much pressure on ourselves to be perfect, but I have started to question whether or not that is realistic.

In my 20's I had a calendar and I marked off the days that I felt like I was on point. However, when I looked back on the months, the days I didn't "have it together" far outweighed the days that I did. And this became a tool for evil instead of good as I used it for self-judgment and criticism as a result of the check marks.

Now, in my 40's there is still a calendar, but there are no checkmarks on it because I am learning to look at each day without judgment. I have started to realize that within each day there is usually a complex variation of wins and losses. Sure, maybe I brushed my hair or cooked dinner (examples of winning), but I also lost my shit over my software (not quite as smooth). And I am trying to give myself grace as I realize that both are ok.

Side note: Yes, I am one of the last of a dying breed that still uses paper calendars. I love them!!

I would do the same thing in my relationships - evaluating whether or not I was perfect enough to be loved. Yes, I know a therapist could have a blast analyzing that one. But that was my reality as I judged whether or not I loved enough, cooked enough, was sweet enough, and plenty of other "enoughs."

I am finding that we often put so much pressure on ourselves that we end up being our own worse enemy. And as I learn to love and accept myself, that involves also learning how to love the mess. I have also found that messy can mean different things on different days - sometimes its crying in the shower, sometimes its tripping over your own feet, and sometimes its being irritable from the moment your feet hit the floor. And all of it is ok. I am learning how to give myself permission and just embrace the mess. Cheers! 

I know y'all are actually shocked that I am writing about food again, well at least for this moment.

First of all, I want to give a shout out to Smitten Kitchen because she is truly one of my favorite cookbook authors and food bloggers. If you haven't discovered her, well you need to. She is also the creator of this recipe (see below).

Kefta which is also known as kofta, and there are actually additional variations on the spelling, can best be described by me as Middle Eastern meatballs. They are traditionally made with lamb, but they can be made with beef, turkey, mutton, pretty much any ground meat. They can be grilled, fried, baked, steamed or poached, but since I am obsessed with my bbq I found a recipe where I could grill them.

A tad bit of history, they were first identified in Arab cookbooks and the word is first documented in 1665 and first used in English in 1832, but I am guessing their history pre-dates those written shout outs. 

Kefta first came into my consciousness when I was living in Michigan. The Dearborn area has a large Middle Eastern population and some of the best food I have ever eaten. Since moving back to the West Coast, I have not found Middle Eastern food that compares and my tastebuds are having a bit of a withdrawal from the food I loved....and so I decided to give it a try myself. 

Also, if you are ever in Dearborn, MI the Arab American National Museum has a really great food tour. I had a blast and tasted food I have never heard of. I truly recommend this food experience!! 

Side Note: I also want to give some gratitude to my neighborhood butcher at Murphy's Market here in Cutten for grinding lamb for me at 0700 this morning so I could tackle this recipe for y'all.

Kefta and Zucchini Kebabs (my comments on the recipe are in red)

SERVINGS: 6 TIME: 1 HOUR SOURCE: GOURMET, 1980

SAUCE AND ASSEMBLY

1 cup plain yogurt (preferably full-fat)

2 tablespoons chopped fresh mint (for some reason I am not a big mint fan so I used cilantro and it was yum)

1 medium clove garlic, minced

1/8 teaspoon kosher salt, plus more to taste

12 (10-inch) wooden skewers, soaked in cold water for 30 minutes

ZUCCHINI

2 tablespoons fresh lemon juice

1/2 teaspoon sugar

1/4 teaspoon kosher salt

1/4 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper

3 tablespoons olive oil (we used about half of this) (I also used half and it worked great)

2 medium zucchini (1 1/4 lb total), cut crosswise into 1/2-inch-thick slices (don’t skim on their thickness, or you will have difficulty threading them)

KEFTA (MEATBALLS)

2 slices firm white sandwich bread, torn into small pieces

1 small onion, roughly chopped (about 1 cup)

1/4 cup loosely packed fresh parsley leaves

1/4 cup loosely packed fresh cilantro leaves

1/3 cup pine nuts, toasted

1 pound ground lamb or ground turkey, preferably dark meat

1 teaspoon kosher salt

1/2 teaspoon ground allspice

1/2 teaspoon cayenne

1/4 teaspoon cinnamon

1/4 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper

Make sauce: Stir together yogurt, mint, garlic, and salt in a small bowl and chill until you’re ready to serve the skewers.

Prepare zucchini: Whisk together lemon juice, sugar, salt, pepper, and oil in a large bowl and stir in zucchini slices. Marinate at room temperature while making meatballs.

Make meatballs: Cover bread with water in a bowl and soak 10 minutes. This was the strangest part of the recipe, in my opinion, and made me feel like a kid, soaking my bread at the dinner table....making a giant mess. I loved every second of it - both back in the day and now. However, I do have to say I don't know the purpose of this technique. I have obviously used breadcrumbs in meatballs before, even fresh ones, but not soaked ones. The only thing I could think of was to help add texture without drying them out. Thoughts?

Pulse onion and herbs in a food processor until finely chopped. Add pine nuts, and finely chop as well. Squeeze handfuls of bread to remove as much excess water as possible and add it to the food processor. Pulse until it is well chopped. Add this mixture to the lamb or turkey in a large bowl, along with salt and spices. 

Mix with your hands or a fork until well-blended. Form meat mixture into 36 balls (1 scant tablespoon each). I love any food I can sink my hands into! This made me happy! And oh yeah, I only made 22 meatballs - guess my balls were a little too big #oopsie. 

Assemble and grill kebabs: Prepare grill for cooking over medium-hot charcoal (moderate heat for gas). Thread 6 meatballs 1/4 inch apart onto each of 6 skewers. I was surprised by how easy it was to thread metablls onto skewers. I had visions of them just crumbling and falling apart especially as I picked them up to put them on the grill, but they cooperated. Thank you Baby Jesus! Thread zucchini lengthwise onto remaining 6 skewers, so cut sides are on the grill, leaving 1/4 inch between slices. I was running short on skewers and so I just grilled the zucchini in a grill basket and that worked great.

Grill zucchini and meatballs on oiled grill rack, turning over once, until golden and just cooked through, about 4 to 6 minutes on a charcoal grill and 10 minutes on a gas grill.  I have to admit I had some wins and I had some losses when it came to the balls sticking together upon grill flippage. Not sure what I did differently that caused some fo them to stay together and other to explode like fireworks on the 4th of July. Oh well they all tasted the same....which was good!

\Cut a meatball in half to visually check for doneness. Serve warm, with yogurt sauce. My zucchini needed a little longer than 10 minutes, but maybe I cut them too thick....ugh everything seems to go back to my "go big or go home" motto and that doesn't always work well for me in the kitchen. 

If you don’t have a grill: Kebabs can be broiled on 2 large shallow baking pans 5 inches from heat, turning over once, until golden and just cooked through, 4 to 6 minutes. Cut a meatball in half to visually check for doneness.

Overall, I loved this recipe. May need to work on overcoming my falling apart issue, but the spices in the meatball mixture were epic - both the dried spices and fresh herbs made for really good flavor. I honestly didn't think the yogurt sauce was even needed, but it was a nice accompaniment. And well how do you go wrong with grilled zucchini. 

I say give it a try and let me know if you had better luck with your kefta staying together or please let me know if you have any tips. Cheers!

I woke up this morning and I was sad. Sure, I could list the reasons, but really it's not relevant to this blog. What is relevant is the fact that I immediately judged my feelings and tried to quickly run through a list of ways (in my head) that would make me happy. 

And then I thought to myself, why can't I be sad this morning? Why do I feel so much pressure to be constantly happy?

I started to think back to the time in my life when I was "constantly happy" and it wasn't because of this deep sense of euphoria, it was because I was numbing the fuck out of life. I was using work, alcohol, staying busy, traveling a ton, or dating the wrong men. I wasn't feeling my emotions or truly living life. And I don't know about you, but in my opinion that shouldn't be the benchmark for a happy life.

When I was younger I lived by the motto that if it didn't make me happy I wouldn't do it. And although I made some good decisions using that benchmark, I made a hell of a lot more poor decisions using that benchmark. 

And so this morning I paused. I allowed myself to be sad, not to stay in my pity party all day, but I let myself feel sad. And it felt good. And it felt like living. And it felt like truly being in the human experience.

We as a society have an expectation that life should be constantly sunshine and roses, or at least that is the social media portrayal of life. We have book about how to make our lives more happy in a year. We have movies, even for children, about happiness. We are taught that if we play the game right - graduate from high school, go to college, find a career, get married, have 2.5 children, own a house, go on a family vacation once a year, etc.....all of these things are the magic bullet to happiness. Side note, I am not saying these steps in life are the key to happiness, that is just what we are indoctrinated to believe. 

However, in my experience when I started to allow myself to truly feel the whole gambit of human emotions (not saying this has been easy) - the sadness, the anger, the frustration, the joy, and so much more, that is when I truly started to feel alive. I have often read that in order to understand the light you have to truly experience the darkness and I wanted to believe that was bullshit. But honestly I think there is some truth to it because it is within that contrast that we can truly live.

So, sure I get that it's easier to be happier all the time. And hell we have plenty of ways to do that in this country - sex, drugs, alcohol, jumping out of planes, to name a few. But are we setting unrealistic expectations for our lives that are allowing us to feel like a failure when don't spring out of bed, hearing birds chirping and see a leprechaun in the corner of our room?

And is it also diminishing those times in our lives when we are truly happy? Are we setting ourselves up to feel like we can't be happy for long because we all know that shoe is going to drop in any given moment?

I have an idea, what would happen if we allowed ourselves to feel our emotions? Like truly feel our emotion in any given time.

I tried that this morning. I allowed myself to feel sad. And then I put on my sticky socks (these are required) and went to pilates and as I jumped on the cardio-tramp (I did not make up this name), it was impossible for me to stay sad. I was definitely not feeling euphoric as every muscle in my body burned from jumping, but fuck I wasn't sad anymore, and even if I was that also would be ok. 

I am sitting here on this Saturday night reflecting on my day. My muscles still hurt, but I am cooking dinner, listening to jazz music and drinking French wine. And I am content and I am going to allow myself to feel that emotion in this moment....and I like it.

Ladies, when did we stop listening to our intuition? 

It is called "women's intuition" for a reason, however it seems to be becoming more and more common for us to ignore it, tell it that it's wrong, avoid listening to it, or numb so we can no longer hear the voice. But speaking from experience, as I have tried all of these techniques over the years, why would I want to silence the one thing designed to keep me safe (emotionally and physically)?

Sure, we could probably talk all day about the societal issues causing us to suppress her voice or the childhood trauma that got us to where we are today. But instead I want us to pause and think about the times she has made a difference in our lives and here are a few of mine.

There was the time I was on a bus at a conference and a man sat next to me and started talking to me. Since I was an employee of the company hosting the conference, of course I engaged in conversation. Something felt off, but I continued to smile. The bus stopped at my hotel and I got up to get off and he followed me off the bus, even though earlier he had mentioned he was not staying there. I went to the gift shop to get water because my intuition was telling me something was wrong. I bought my water and walked to the elevator and he was standing outside the bank of elevators looking for me. I did not get on that elevator. He found my company profile on the conference app and started messaging me. I ended up having to complain to my company. My intuition was right.

I had everything. My life from the outside looked perfect. I had the husband, the successful career, the house, the dog, and the life that I had always thought I wanted. I went to a spin class that was completely dark and as that loud music played, I cried. I felt like I was living a lie, like I was in a life that was not mine. I felt like I should be happy, should be grateful and yet my intuition was screaming at me that I was not living the life I was meant to live. I came home, I sat on our couch and I asked for a divorce. I moved out shortly and it was not because I didn't love my husband, I just didn't love my life. I never looked back and my life is nothing like the life I expected it to be, but my intuition was screaming that I needed to live differently, love differently and experience life on a whole different level.I have not looked back and I am grateful. 

I felt like I was a runaway train. I was traveling 50 weeks a year. I was living out of a suitcase. I was drinking every night, partying until late, and getting up hours later to put on business clothes and teach, as I traveled the country. I felt nothing and I was numbing and I was running. I was taking pictures of my hotel room numbers because I couldn't remember my hotel room from one week to the next. I was constantly losing my car in the airport parking lot. I did not see my friends or my family. When I was home all I wanted to do was sleep. I smiled on the outside, but the pain was dark and deep on the inside. I was hit head on by a driver that ran a red light while texting. The doctor came into my room in the trauma unit and told me I broke my neck. My first thought was that I had to stop. I hadn't been listening to my intuition and so she had to find a way to stop me. I stopped.

He would not look me in the eyes. He looked everywhere, but at me. There was nothing that needed to be said because anything that came out his mouth would have been lies, but I knew. I felt it in my stomach, there was someone else. The distance was not due to stress at work, it was not due to being overwhelmed, it wasn't because I wasn't smart enough, pretty enough, sexy enough or successful enough. But damn there was someone else. My intuition knew. 

I have recently started to think of all of those times that it came through for me and saved me from myself or others. The times it saved me physically while I traveled alone or saved me emotionally from destroying myself in a relationship not meant for me. Or to be honest, those times I ignored it and I ended up broken hearted and destroyed.  And so in my life today (work in progress) I give it a seat at the table, so that it has a voice. I am a woman and I have been blessed with an intuition that has been designed to guide me, save me, love me, show up for me, and trust me. I want her to have a voice and I want to listen.

As I sit here reading a self-help book or three, my mind started to wander....are we a generation of self-help junkies? Are we a group of people who analyze our childhoods, our happiness, our relationships, our careers, our successes and our failures to such an extent that we are either never happy or in paralysis due to overwhelm? Are we so inundated with advice that we can't make decisions on our own? I mean everywhere we look someone wants to tell us what to do - book, social media, Netflix specials, friends, family, did I mention social media?

So, I have to admit I got a little judgy as only us enlightened folks can get (read with sarcasm) and it made me wonder when this self-help addiction started and what events or elements in our society brought the onslaught.....

Well, guess what I found? Self-help is old, like really old. The Ancient Egyptians had the first documented self-help books, teaching about life and moral behavior. Hmmm not sure the societal definitions of moral behavior back in Egypt are the same as today, but kind of interesting in between using their slaves to drag giant blocks of pyramid rock they had time to analyze "moral behavior." 

Now, if we want to pick on meditation specifically, as I also sit here and set my alarm an hour early every morning to write in my gratitude journal and meditate before work....we have to look at the Ancient Greeks...don't worry they also wrote about the best ways to live, in addition to meditation. This is in between orgies (not a slam on orgies no sex shaming here).

Even the Middle Ages had a "Chicken Soup for the Soul" series....ya know lets stop sweating the small stuff and focus on the guillotine as a form of humane execution....and much more.

In case you want to delve deeper into the history of self-help I found this great article. Actually I really enjoyed the article, shout out to the author!

However, since my first theory about us being a new self-help addicted generation got blown out of the water, and since I am of the age that I love to feel special I had to start digging a little deeper. So, we as humans have wanted to better ourselves for a long time obviously, but with this desire to improve have we also created a hierarchy of "better than." Does the self-help nation create more divide instead of unity? Can we spiritually start judging if we aren't careful? And can something that is designed to improve ourselves and our lives end up being just another divider in an already segregated world?

Don't get me wrong I am not giving up my self-help books especially if they keep naming them such super sexy and catchy titles like "Unfuck Yourself" or "How to Be a Badass," but I do go through phases where I have to step away from my self-help genre and just BE, truly allow myself to live the truly messy life I have been destined to live. 

I love my gratitude practice and I try damn hard to keep my head high and focus on the positivity, but folks sometimes life is just fucking messy. And it is in that messy that I think we can get a little bit better on giving each other some grace - read all of the self-help you want, post those social media memes on love, and preach baby preach....but when someone hits that rock bottom, as a collective regardless of whether or not they read "Good Morning Monster" or "How to Keep House While Drowning," think we could all just give our fellow humans a bit more love.

Side note: All of these titles are real self-help book titles and several of them I have read myself. 

This was a topic of conversation recently with a friend. Do we actually want to know if our significant other cheated?

This is not an easy question.

I remember when I was ending my last long term relationship. Something felt wrong in my bones. He swore to me there was no one else and so even though my intuition was sounding the alarm I started to believe I was crazy. I started to think there must have been something wrong with me or that I did something to cause the demise. But yet I knew in the back of my head. I knew there was someone else. I knew I saw red flags every day - an addiction to his phone, a detachment, a general lack of engagement, a withdrawal of affection and so many other signs. And even though I knew, there was a part of me that wanted to climb back into bed and put the covers over my head like a small child who believes there is a monster under the bed.

I remember several months later finding out that there was someone else, had been someone else, and there was such a rush of emotion. There was validation that my intuition was correct. There was an element of relief as I knew I wasn't crazy, and that it wasn't me. There was so much anger for both of them. And it also finally allowed me to let go, truly let go.

However, when I start to think of this question there is so many facets to consider.

Do we want to know or is ignorance bliss? Sometimes the thought of dealing with reality and the pain that comes with the betrayal is more than we can handle or imagine. Sometimes it's just damn easier to ignore.

Do we want someone to tell us? In my experience, we often kill the messenger in these situations - detesting the person who brought us the truth, instead of thanking them with gratitude for bringing the truth to light.

If he is still with us, do we want to know that he decided to stay? Is it a good thing that he is with us either after walking away or being walked away from by someone else? Or do we feel like we have been living a lie for the period of time the affair lasted? Do we feel he is settling in some way by choosing us? Do we feel like the relationship has been cheapened by the betrayal?

Does it matter if the cheating was just a sexual deviation or an emotional connection? Are the layers of betrayal relevant to the answer?

If he cheated is he the one? I have found that we often give the power of relationship decisions to the men, but what about us? Is he truly the one for us if he lied, cheated, betrayed our love and made us cry? I would argue no.

Do we need to be loyal to other women? No judgment here as I have been on both sides of the fence, but after experiencing being the other woman as well as the heart break of being cheated on, I have to say yes. The power of the feminine is multiplied as we stand together and the more we unite in every circumstance the stronger we are. And with that comes honesty and truth with each other.

Do we deserve better? In my opinion, the answer is yes. I do not want the man who cheated on me. I want the man who knew I was worthy of loyalty, honesty, love and respect throughout the entire relationship, not just when its convenient for him.

Thoughts? Do you want to know if he cheated?

 I am pretty sure that in our crazy world right now we need to take a step back and celebrate our small wins, which when added together equal really big successes. Ladies (no offense gentleman I just can't speak for your gender), we are busting our fucking ass all day everyday and so on this Sunday night I want  to celebrate the amazing wins we have on a daily basis.

1. I brushed my hair today! I could have done a messy bun or a pineapple on top of my head, but I used a brush and I ran it through my hair.

2. I drank water. Maybe not the 16 times my body weight or some shit prescribed by a doctor, but I drank water. And it was refreshing.

3. I cried and it felt damn good. Why the fuck do we think of tears as a disaster? It was pure bliss and I needed it.

4. I showered. I live, work and dress up in yoga pants. There are many a day I don't shower because when you work virtually nobody can see all of you or smell you, and so showering is a big deal and a huge win.

5. I ate carbs - and they were magical. My family did Sunday Supper and I ate not just one type of carbs, but three because when you are sitting in front of zucchini pasta, spaghetti and meatballs, and pesto pasta....well you need to eat all three....and not feel guilty for it.

6. I rode my Peloton with Cody Rigsby - for 30 min! Sure, I could have done 45 or 60 or ran a marathon, but I am celebrating the fact that I worked out at all and that he made me laugh out loud as I pedaled on a stationary bike going nowhere.....because he made fun of a guys leaderboard name that was RICHCFO....telling the guy he had no personality. And since laughter is the best medicine it's like a practically worked out twice today.

7. I cleaned out my closet - and sure I could have a pity party over the fact that I got rid of a bunch of clothes that didn't cover my ass or that I would never wear again because my LA clubbing days are over or I can celebrate the fact that I did something productive today....and now I have more room to buy more yoga pants #winning

8. I did not run out of gas. Sure, my gas light came on as I was driving home today, but since I am good at math (not really) I knew I had 24 miles left and I decided I would be fine until tomorrow. And....wait for it....I made it home.

9. I meditated....oh wait no I didn't....but I thought about it and somedays that is all we can do. But even better, I didn't beat myself up over the fact that I didn't meditate because well  I can pretend to meditate tonight as I climb into bed....which is truly code for I will turn on meditation music and fall asleep within seconds. 

10. I didn't drink wine today. Nope absolute lies!!! I had dinner with the family and who the fuck can eat pasta without wine? NOBODY!! But maybe I won't drink wine tomorrow or maybe I didn't drink as much wine as I could have and so I am going to consider that a small wine, I mean win.

Women we are just so damn hard on ourselves as we take care of ourselves, our families, our place of business and the world....and so for a second take a step back and consider our small wins each and everyday. Hope you enjoyed mine today.