I woke up this morning and I was sad. Sure, I could list the reasons, but really it's not relevant to this blog. What is relevant is the fact that I immediately judged my feelings and tried to quickly run through a list of ways (in my head) that would make me happy. 

And then I thought to myself, why can't I be sad this morning? Why do I feel so much pressure to be constantly happy?

I started to think back to the time in my life when I was "constantly happy" and it wasn't because of this deep sense of euphoria, it was because I was numbing the fuck out of life. I was using work, alcohol, staying busy, traveling a ton, or dating the wrong men. I wasn't feeling my emotions or truly living life. And I don't know about you, but in my opinion that shouldn't be the benchmark for a happy life.

When I was younger I lived by the motto that if it didn't make me happy I wouldn't do it. And although I made some good decisions using that benchmark, I made a hell of a lot more poor decisions using that benchmark. 

And so this morning I paused. I allowed myself to be sad, not to stay in my pity party all day, but I let myself feel sad. And it felt good. And it felt like living. And it felt like truly being in the human experience.

We as a society have an expectation that life should be constantly sunshine and roses, or at least that is the social media portrayal of life. We have book about how to make our lives more happy in a year. We have movies, even for children, about happiness. We are taught that if we play the game right - graduate from high school, go to college, find a career, get married, have 2.5 children, own a house, go on a family vacation once a year, etc.....all of these things are the magic bullet to happiness. Side note, I am not saying these steps in life are the key to happiness, that is just what we are indoctrinated to believe. 

However, in my experience when I started to allow myself to truly feel the whole gambit of human emotions (not saying this has been easy) - the sadness, the anger, the frustration, the joy, and so much more, that is when I truly started to feel alive. I have often read that in order to understand the light you have to truly experience the darkness and I wanted to believe that was bullshit. But honestly I think there is some truth to it because it is within that contrast that we can truly live.

So, sure I get that it's easier to be happier all the time. And hell we have plenty of ways to do that in this country - sex, drugs, alcohol, jumping out of planes, to name a few. But are we setting unrealistic expectations for our lives that are allowing us to feel like a failure when don't spring out of bed, hearing birds chirping and see a leprechaun in the corner of our room?

And is it also diminishing those times in our lives when we are truly happy? Are we setting ourselves up to feel like we can't be happy for long because we all know that shoe is going to drop in any given moment?

I have an idea, what would happen if we allowed ourselves to feel our emotions? Like truly feel our emotion in any given time.

I tried that this morning. I allowed myself to feel sad. And then I put on my sticky socks (these are required) and went to pilates and as I jumped on the cardio-tramp (I did not make up this name), it was impossible for me to stay sad. I was definitely not feeling euphoric as every muscle in my body burned from jumping, but fuck I wasn't sad anymore, and even if I was that also would be ok. 

I am sitting here on this Saturday night reflecting on my day. My muscles still hurt, but I am cooking dinner, listening to jazz music and drinking French wine. And I am content and I am going to allow myself to feel that emotion in this moment....and I like it.