Welp, here we are again, ringing out another year. I have to admit I have mixed feelings about the holiday season, especially during the last few years. I believe and feel the wonder and magic of the holiday season, however it is also often a reminder of the failures of the past year. I have always been one to believe in Santa at every age, and this year is no different, but I have no chimney so I am not making his job any easier. 

As the year comes to a close, I find myself reflecting on the past and sure some of that involves celebrating the wins, but it also involves a hell of a lot of beating myself up over the losses. It tends to be a reminder for what I don't have or what I haven't accomplished instead of feeling jolly and merry.

I remember as a "baby Dispatcher" often wondering why we received so many calls of people struggling during the holidays and as I have gotten older, I have started to understand. If you are alone, during the rest of the year, it just is, but during the holidays it feels extra lonely. If you are fighting demons, the rest of the year you can keep them at bay, during the holidays they come crashing down on you. If you had goals, the end of the year serves as a reminder that they are still on the table unaccomplished.

This past year has been filled with highs and lows for me, as I think it has for many. Unfortunately, when you are faced with social engagements that require you to put on a happy face, the thought of adding more to an already full plate often feels overwhelming instead of joyful. I often find myself remembering what I lost, instead of focusing on what I gained

So, as I enter the holiday season, I am choosing to reflect and be grateful. Do I have my shit together? Oh hell no! Do I have everything I want? Fuck no. But I do know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am where I am supposed to be. 

Work with me here....

1. I have a roof over my head. I am not homeless, as so many people are across this globe. I did a ride with the Hollywood Division last week and I met several people literally living in a tent on the sidewalk, the fact that I am not one of them, makes me grateful 

I love where I live, both the geographical location, as well as my little house. My Aunt and Uncle live across the street and that provides me with so much security, and good food. I land from work trips and I feel at peace as soon as my feet hit the ground. My home has become my sanctuary and allows me to recharge and find my center.

2. I got a new job. Sure, I am also playing with the "big boys" now and my job can be stressful and overwhelming, often reminds me of drinking out of a fire hose.  But I have an incredible team of co-workers. And with this job I have been provided the opportunity to travel to some pretty amazing places and create some amazing memories. Uber karaoke in San Francisco, the ferris wheel in Downtown Atlanta, and the Four Seasons in New Orleans topped the list. Watch out Poland here I come in 2023!

3. I am single.  I often have a pity party this time of year regarding my relationship status, but this year I am choosing to reframe it, because this year I loved, sure it didn't last, but my heart felt, and for that I am thankful. I am also so grateful that I am not in the wrong relationship - being beaten, cheated on, lied to, or destroyed. 

4. I have started to deal with the reality of aging parents this year. It is stressful, overwhelming, and it makes you feel as if your life is not yours. The amount of sacrifices you have to make, both personally and professionally, is completely diabolical.  However, I am also grateful for the amazing medical professionals who have provided care and I am even more grateful for the love and support of my family and friends. They literally dried my tears as I broke down in my car, kept me going when I felt like the walls were crashing in, and held my hand as I navigated waters I never anticipated encountering. 

5. The people who have picked me up when I have fallen down and let me tell you sometimes the support comes from unexpected places. I have always had an amazing tribe, and this year is no different, but just want to pause and cherish them a little extra this year, especially since so many of them are also going through their own crises, and yet we still continue to support each other. 

6. The relationships I have lost. The relationships I got into were not my "happily ever after" but I am proud of myself for trying, for feeling, for learning, and for growing. I stayed open to love, and for that I am proud. They strengthened my love of self, my intuition and my resolve to wait for the person who can truly provide me with what I want and need. 

7. Pilates! I miss running with every ounce of my soul, both the physical and psychological aspects of it. However, this year I found Pilates and it has provided me with strength, both physical and mental. It has provided sweat and laughter. It has brought new people into my life and a core strength I never expected to have. I am a believer.

8. Sometimes the most precious gifts come from the most unexpected places, and within those moments incredible healing can be had. So, cheers to homemade cookies and old fashioneds!

9. The fact that I am not perfect. I stumble, I get brought to my knees, and yet I get back up. This past year has provided me opportunities for this cycle time and time again, in my career, my love life, my diet, my exercise routine, my friendships, my finances, taking care of myself, and taking care of others. I have decided to embrace the mess, as long as I keep trying.

10. This blog and the amazing people who read it. As you all know this year I have made a conscious choice to write about more personal things, and not just food, and the amount of love, support and non-judgment has truly been one of the most precious gifts.

So, with that, Happy Holidays! Let's choose to celebrate our wins, both big and small this holiday season. And don't worry I promise you I will not promise you a perfect 2023 or flood your inbox with "new year no me" bullshit. I will continue to be real and raw as we ring in the new year, peppering you with random thoughts, rants, recipes, and insights as I find them. Cheers!

 I recently ran into an old co-worker in the parking lot of the grocery store. As we talked about life, quickly covering the 20 years since we had last seen each other, he mentioned that I was his "what if girl." I walked away and I started to think about how many times I had been told I was the "what if girl." To be honest, more than I would care to admit. 

 I have mixed feelings about being told I am the "what if girl."

First of all, what the fuck does that even mean? So, you let me leave your life and you have wondered, regretted, questioned, thought of me often?

Second, I feel gratitude, what an amazing compliment. I mean who doesn't want to hear that someone has thought of you with wonder, ponders what could have been, that you have the characteristics that they realized are once in a lifetime. 

Finally, a little offended, why am I time after time the one who got away? 

Why is it that these men never realized what they had until I left their lives? 

Why am I the woman that haunts these men, yet they never fought when they had the chance? 

Why did I not know how they felt when they were in my life?

Side note - Not every declaration of "what if" have been relationships, such as the one above, these confessions sure have come from some past relationships, but also friends and co-workers. So, you have to sit back and consider the common denominator, which is me. 

What is it about me that puts me in the "what if" category? 

I could take this one of two ways, wondering what is wrong with me or realizing that people often don't remember what you said or what you did, but they often remember how you made them feel. I hope that I have touched lives and made people feel.

I also had a personal realization, I don't believe in "what if." I believe that if I was supposed to be "the one" our story would have had a different ending.

I don't live my life with "what ifs." I live my life to the fullest extent, being grateful for every damn day that I am on this planet. If you are in my life and I wonder if we have romantic potential, I will explore it, regardless of the outcome. And sure sometimes the outcome is bliss, passion, love, euphoria, and sometimes the outcome is tears, heartbreak, destruction, or just getting down on your knees to pray. 

I also find gratitude for the people in my life. And regardless of if that person is in my life for 1 minute, 10 minutes, 4 hours, 30 days or 20 years, they touched my life for whatever period of time they were supposed to be in it. Sure, some of them made my life a living hell and some of them touched my heart, and countless experiences that have ran the gambit of in between. But, at the end of the day our paths crossed and our experience together was what it was meant to be, no regrets and definitely no "what ifs."

This parking lot encounter also made me realize that I truly don't have a relationship in my past that has left me wondering "what if." I have had incredible men in my life and I have also had less than incredible men in my life, but at the end of the day its all about the right person and the right time, and obviously the fact that the UPS man of my dreams has not shown up at my door is a clear indicator that I have not found the right person or the right time. 

To the men who have wondered "what if" let me reassure you that I am not the one. Because I am confident that if you were supposed to be the man by my side there would be no need to wonder, you would be there. So, go back to your lives, if you are in a relationship go back to your wives and/or girlfriends, and don't look back....I promise you there is no "what if."

 Ladies and Gentleman, it's been a while since I have visited my blog and it's been a hell of a long time since I shared with y'all some words of wisdom related to love, dating, courtship and relationships. I know that several of my friends and co-workers loved to hear the wacky shit that constituted my love life or lack thereof and just in case you all thought I found my prince, and I am living in a castle somewhere, happily ever after....well you are just fucking wrong. I haven't been actively dating and once you read my below stories/experiences you will very much understand why.

Let's start with my favorite and work my way down the road.

1. If you knew me in high school and that was the last time you talked to me, inviting me to Hawaii might be a bit scary. Did you consider the fact that over the last bleep years I became bat shit crazy? This would have left you on an island trapped with a crazy girl -nobody wants that. I would recommend for anyone who had the desire to take someone from high school on a trip with them to at least vet them via an invite to coffee or wine first, just so you can check for crazy girl bangs at the least. I did not go to Hawaii.

2. If you ask me for my Snapchat and you are disappointed that I don't have one, it's important that you know that I get that you either want to send me a dick pick or you are married or you are married and want to send me a dick pick. I don't want either option. Btw, if you have a girlfriend still full body no. Now you understand why I don't have Snapchat.

3. To the men who feel safer giving a woman their phone number instead of asking for theirs, maybe it's just me, but your phone number will be deleted or thrown in the trash the minute my back is turned. I am old fashioned, ask for my phone number. The only time this almost worked was the guy at the country concert who grabbed my phone and saved his phone number as "future hubby" in my phone - that contact stayed until the next morning, led to a lot of ladies night laughter, and was then deleted without a call/text. You want to get my attention, ask for my damn phone number. 

4. If you plan the date - the restaurant, what you want to wear, what you want to eat, but you forget to set a date and time - welp maybe you shouldn't wonder why I didn't show up. I did not ghost you, your attention to details was just lacking. 

5. If you are trying to get my attention, there is truly nothing sexier than consistency. And so I am not sure if I should be sharing this or not, but if I haven't heard from you in a week, the contact is deleted. And umm most of the time your name won't be attached until you have done something that gets my heart enough to be saved. 

6. If I run into you at the airport and it's been a shit ton of years since we hung out, the fact that I didn't bring up the shady shit you did is not an indication that I want a booty call...it's an indication that I spend a lot of time at the airport and I want to keep it classy. So, really there is no need for you to call me the next time you are in town - I have not forgot the money you owe me or the bitches you banged.

7. This is not about race, this is about breaking stereotypes - I am sorry, but I have not found the "once you go black" thing to be true for me. In my experience, regardless of ethnicity or race, I am incredibly gifted at finding unavailable men and that is without discrimination. So have I dated black men? Yes. Were they unavailable? Fuck yes! But have I dated other ethnicities? Yes. Were they also unavailable? Mmmm hmmm. So, I am no longer going to focus on the color of your skin, I am straight up focusing on your social media account and the private investigator I hire to find out your true relationship status. 

8. Baby girl, if they aren't ready there is not a damn thing you can do to make them ready. Walk away! Break your own damn heart if you have to, but just walk away. Does it suck? Abs-o-fucking-lutely, but so is finding yourself a year, 2 years, 5 years down the road with a man who isn't ready. Side note, in my experience men don't lie about being ready. They will tell you if they are ready, better yet they will show you if they are ready....and they will tell you if they are not ready....trust them. 

9. Look for actions! As you all know I love to write, love the written language, but when it comes to relationships it's all about the actions. I am over the text messages telling me I am beautiful, charismatic, smart, funny, special, different, incredible, successful, and my laundry list could keep going on...but if your ass isn't at my front door, on a plane, tracking me down, it is a full body no. Will I ask you to be at my door or on a plane or tracking me down? Oh hell no! Gone are the days of begging, asking, or chasing. You are a grown ass adult man (and I will card you) and so you can make your own damn decisions and if your decision isn't to show me what you got - my door and my legs will remain closed. 

10. Sometimes the biggest gifts come from the most unexpected places - and if they make your heart feel all gushy - take a moment of gratitude - and celebrate the fact that you can still fucking feel after all of this time. That person might not be your happily ever after, but in the words of Nicki Minaj "I fly with the stars in the skies. I am no longer trying to survive. I believe that life is a prize. But to live doesn't mean you are alive." Come to find out you are not broken, your love story just hasn't been fully told yet. 

I was recently talking to a friend about relationships. He mentioned that for many men they wanted the Whore and they wanted the Madonna, but they often didn't believe it should or could be the same person.

I have to admit that every ounce of my soul desperately wanted to argue with him on this point. Why the fuck can't I be both? Isn't that a successful relationship, to have that sexual, emotional and intellectual connection? 

But....then I started to think of my own experiences....

I have had incredible sexual connections, and even if there was love involved, I found myself pigeon-holed into that role as a Whore. I was the good time, the woman he could say anything to, and have Earth shattering sex with, I was the escape, but at the end of the day, well there was no end of the day. He often married the next woman he dated or in my affair, he continued to go home to his Madonna.

I even thought of my marriage. We were together for nearly 6 years before we got married. We owned a home together and we lived together. We had a fun relationship in every meaning of the word. And then we said "I do." I hate to blame the institution of marriage, but it felt like almost instantly our relationship changed and we were abiding by the societal expectations and gender roles of a married couple, all without communicating the change. I truly wanted to believe that marriage wouldn't change a thing, but it did.  By walking down that altar, I became his Madonna. 

To take it one step further, after we separated, we continued to hangout and sleep together for awhile and our old dynamic quickly came back. This can't be a coincidence. I went back to being the Whore. 

I asked my friend  if he thought the Whore/Madonna dichotomy led to infidelity, and he said definitely. How can it not? If  you are living with two sides of your personality/needs/desires and they can't be met by the same person, you are going to search for it in another. I had no argument for this point, but it did make me feel sad, and also recognize why affairs were rampant in our culture today.

I also have to admit that I started to wonder how many men have this belief system and are even aware of it. Is this something that is just ingrained in masculinity or is it a conscious thought that my wife can't be my sexual fantasy? Thoughts?

I then started to think of what I want, what I have been searching for. I want that emotional, intellectual and sexual connection, and I want it with the same person. Ladies, I truly believe that we can switch seamlessly, within seconds, minutes or hours between the Whore and the Madonna. Why the fuck can't I be experiencing scream inducing orgasms one minute and have an apron on cooking you dinner in the kitchen the next? Why can't I be your best friend, providing you with emotional support on your darkest days, or blowing you the next? Why does society put such a stigma on sex for women that a woman who has sexual desires continues to be looked down on as a whore?

 Am I chasing a ghost or is that a reality that is obtainable? Does it require I locate the unicorn? The last "woke" man on the planet who wants the same thing and believes that his woman can play both roles in his life? Or is that a reality that does not exist within our societal norms? 

Trying to prove to myself that I can still write about food since you all have listened to me for the last few months wax poetically about everything except food. So, let's see if I still got it!

First of all, if you opened this blog expecting me to rant about junk email aka spam, just walk away. Because believe it or not I am actually talking about the food. Ya know, the canned meat. 

Now, I have to say that I usually try not to judge - people, decisions, life choices, etc. However, I have honestly found myself being a bit judgey when it comes to food. And I have honestly always been a little critical of Spam - until I went to Maui and discovered Spam and rice several years ago....and it made me a believer. That being said, Friday night was my first time actually cooking with Spam! And here are my thoughts.

First of all, its harder to find than I expected at the grocery store. I thought it would be near the tuna fish, ya know next to the chicken of the sea, of course the pig  in a can should be. Alas, I was dead ass wrong and it was over near the canned vegetables. Grocery store folks, really? Don't get it!

Now, let's talk Spam history. It came about  in 1937 and was a staple during WWII as it was non-perishable and could be shipped to our troops. So, we actually brought something positive to the Pacific Islands - pig in a can. You are welcome!

The other thing I find interesting is that nobody truly knows what Spam stands for or how it got named. There are theories and guesses, such as "shoulder of pork and ham" or "specifically processed artificial meat" and countless others, but I truly couldn't find a hard and fast answer. So, if anyone knows the answer feel free to share.

I think we all make fun of Spam, or at least I do, however Hormel makes 44,000 cans an hour. So, they honestly could care less if we make fun of it or not because they are laughing their way to the bank to deposit the money they are making off the canned meat product. 

 And did you also know it comes in different flavors? I went with traditional for this recipe because I thought I was brave just cooking with it, wasn't sure if I was ready to try additional flavors. In case you wanted some flavor examples, there is teriyaki, bacon and with cheese. Ummmm yeah just can't yet.

Ok, so I also need to put my judgment aside because although it has a reputation as a "mystery meat" it actually is supposed to be more pure than our everyday hot dog. It is made with pork - pork shoulder to be exact, whereas hot dogs really are pig leftovers ground up and shaped into a wiener....so now I am being judgmental of the hot dog (although I love one with a cold beer at a baseball game).

Finally, there is a Spam museum in Austin, Minnesota....and just like that I all of a sudden feel the need to get on a plane and head to MN (think thats the state abbreviation, always get those "M" states confused).

On Friday night, I made Kimchi Fried Rice, a recipe I found on Food Network. If you are unfamiliar with kimchi, it is pickled cabbage, and you can get it mild or spicy. And let me just say this was damn good fried rice. I put a fried egg on top of it and it made me straight up happy. It was the perfect thing to eat after being on an airplane all day flying home from the ATL.

Note: This recipe is salty so if you are not a salt fan, just stay away....like truly it made my ankles swell or that could have been from the plane or both....but for real....sexy AF.

Here is the recipe:

2 tablespoons vegetable oil

1/2 cup chopped onion

3/4 cup diced Spam (half of a 12-ounce can)

1 1/2 cups roughly chopped ripe kimchi, plus 1/3 cup kimchi brine 

4 cups day-old cooked short- or medium-grain white rice

2 tablespoons unsalted butter

1 tablespoon minced garlic

1 tablespoon soy sauce

1 tablespoon toasted sesame oil

Kosher salt

Toasted sesame seeds, for topping (optional)

4 large eggs

2 scallions, thinly sliced

Add the rice to the skillet and break it up with a wooden spoon; stir to combine. Stir in the kimchi brine, butter, garlic, soy sauce and sesame oil; cook until the rice has absorbed most of the liquid, 3 to 4 minutes. Scrape the bottom of the skillet to ensure there is no burning rice. Season with salt. Remove from the heat and sprinkle with sesame seeds. Keep warm.

In a separate large nonstick skillet, heat the remaining 1 tablespoon vegetable oil over low heat until slightly shimmering, about 5 minutes. Crack the eggs into the skillet; cover and cook until the egg whites are set but the yolks are still runny, 2 to 2 1/2 minutes. Season with salt.

Divide the fried rice among plates or bowls and top each serving with a fried egg. Sprinkle with the scallions.

When I was a "baby Dispatcher" I got sent to a training class in the Sacramento area. I don't remember the class, but we got an assignment to go to businesses and evaluate customer service. The class was broken into groups and my group decided to evaluate the customer service in a sex shop. Yeah I know that would never fly today, but this was a long time ago. And as a side note, we got horrible customer service in the sex shop. But I did see my first blow up sheep (more on that another time).

So, as we walked around the sex shop we started talking about our lives. One of the Dispatchers in my group, who was having an affair with a married Officer at her agency, said, "it's not my job to keep him at home."

I was young, naïve and wide eyed and I remember being mortified and thinking at the time, "damn that is a fucked up attitude."

However, as life evolves and you find yourself in a similar situation, you stop and question. Is it my job to keep your man at home?

Side note: In this blog I refer to keeping your "man" at home. I know that this is not a gender issue and it happens on both sides of the fence and in any gender definition so feel free to apply any gender identification you  choose to my thoughts because I don't feel like the gender matters in this circumstance.

I have found that my answer to this question has changed, evolved, and morphed depending on where I was in my self-worth, self-awareness, and self-love journey.

For the sake of full transparency, there have been times in my life when I thought it wasn't my job to keep your man at home. I thought, fuck it, if he wanted to stay home he would be home, and he is choosing to be with me. And because of the place I was at, this was an incredible ego boost. But in reality I found I was sacrificing myself and what I wanted and needed in the process.

In my current mind set, I have pondered this question over and over again, especially throughout my affair, and here are my thoughts in this moment.

First of all, no, it is not my job to keep your man at home. And as a side note, it is not your job to keep your man at home either. Your man either recognizes how amazing you and the relationship is or if he doesn't he needs to let you go, or even better you need to kick him out that door.

I am over the excuses, the staying in a relationship for the kids, the finances, the difficulty of changing your life, moving, or starting over. I am sick of people waiting for the right time, because we all know there is never a good time for a broken heart. If you are unhappy, you need to make life changes, either within the relationship or without, but stay away from involving other people....and please stay away from playing the victim card. Stop, just stop.

I fucking know that change is not easy, but it is worth it. And hurting other people because you are too much of a coward to do it the hard way is not an excuse. I felt like when I cheated to get out it was the easy way and it had so much collateral damage that was unfair, not worth it and destructive as fuck that I am sorry, just no.

No, it  is not my job to keep your man at home. But it is my job to respect myself and support other women and being with someone who is unavailable is not doing either of those things. I have always been a huge advocate of women. I have an incredible tribe and my friendships mean the world to me, but yet I have cheated. And one of the biggest struggles in my affair was the fact that I was betraying another woman, because that violated everything I believe in. Therefore, it is my job to not engage with someone who disrespects women in anyway shape or form. There is no need to encourage a man who engages in this behavior.

No, it is not my job to keep you man at home. But seriously, do you want a man in your home who doesn't want to be there? Too often we end up in this competitive cycle of fighting for the same man, when in my opinion, both women should realistically walk away and say "fuck it neither of us want him." Ladies, why are we even letting this debate occur and letting men divide us? Why are we fighting over a man who truly doesn't deserve either of us amazing creatures? 

Ladies, it is not my job to keep your man at home, nor is it yours. But I promise you it will not be my house that will be opening the door.

Dear Danah,

Please forgive me.

For disrespecting you. For choosing relationships, career goals, other people or moments in time over what you wanted and needed.

For not always loving you like I should, making sacrifices at your expense, chasing the love of another or betraying you by my actions in life.

For not always looking at you with love in the mirror, too quick to judge or criticize because of love handles, an extra wrinkle or some perceived flaw.

For betraying you, often within my romantic relationships, hoping to break my childhood patterns only to find us back in the dance of generational trauma.

For being so critical and judgmental, making you often feel "not enough" - not smart enough, pretty enough, funny enough, successful enough, or whatever "enough" I was searching for in that moment.

For not always making you feel safe - whether that was physical, emotional or psychological safety. I took risks and often your safety was the collateral damage, always leaving you to feel on edge.

For ignoring your inner knowing and intuition, leaping over the voices, feelings of knowing, whether it was for a relationship or in search of the next adrenalin rush in life.

For often putting you second over another, destroying you to try and keep others happy.

For betraying others, even when you heart, body, mind and soul resounded with a loud No.

For pushing you beyond breaking, constantly striving for the next career goal, degree, accomplishment, or accolade, until you crumpled to the ground in exhaustion.

For hurting others, and breaking your heart in the process, over and over again.

For not always treating you like a temple - depriving you of nurturing, such as sleep, water, good food, and instead polluting you with alcohol, temptation, and a diet of popcorn and pickles.

For doing the best I can, but falling short time and time again.

For the actions that made me afraid to look you in the eye, ashamed of who I was becoming or what I was doing in those moments.

For trying, failing, and getting back up to try again.  And maybe that is what life is all about... knowing that I won't be perfect tomorrow, or even the next day, but  also knowing that I will continue to try, fail and get back up....hopefully not continuing to make the same mistakes, repeat patterns or get stuck in the same spirals....but even if I do, learning how to forgive myself as I pick myself up, dust myself off, and try again....

Please forgive me.

I  didn't mean to love you. You were not mine to love.

I was happy with who I was and where I was at.

I was not looking, content to be finding myself.

I knew what I wanted and needed, but ended up sacrificing it all for another day in your arms.

I thought the feeling I was searching for was made of dreams, and was a reality I would never find.  I truly did not think the "love" I craved would ever be mine.

 You made me find my dreams, and turned them into a nightmare. 

It started with small gestures from a secret admirer. Notes on my car, in my classroom, or found in random places.

But you came into my life like a hurricane, a breath of fresh air - consistent, making the effort, ensuring I was a priority, truly making me feel beautiful, smart, and funny. You got to know me, like truly know me. You still to this day know more about me than any person on this planet. 

I have never experienced an emotional, intellectual, and physical connection so strong....and may never find it again.

I knew you had my heart long before you ever knew. 

I fought loving you with everything I had, but I lost and continued to lose.

The moments we had  together were fun, funny, intense, passionate, easy, and so much more.

But I cried myself to sleep, alone, more nights than I care to remember. 

I lived for one captured moment after another - the trips where we could be a "couple," the times you could be mine, the sex that would keep me going for days with euphoric memories. 

I tried not to think about the consequences, the betrayal of ourselves and others that continued to occur. 

I continued to get lost with you.

I craved the mundane - holding hands in the grocery store, making you dinner, being able to kiss you on the sidewalk. 

I wanted a life with you.

I felt and felt it all in every moment we had, whether we were watching a game or you were looking into my eyes.

I fell, and fell hard. 

You became my best friend. You were the person I confided in, told about my day, shared random thoughts with, and you became such a big part of my life, I couldn't imagine life without you....until I had to find a way to pick up the pieces and rebuild my life.

I sacrificed myself - disrespecting myself and not showing myself enough love to look at myself in the mirror everyday.

There were nights and weekends and trips when you could not be reached. You were not mine and I had constant reminders that although I may have had your heart, your loyalty and commitment was to another. They destroyed me, but yet I continued to hope. 

Our memories continue to be compiled, our love continued to grow, our intimacy unmatched, a part of each others daily lives that only made me crave more. 

All I wanted was for you to be mine, something I could never have. 

I continued to fight for you. I had never fought before, but felt you were worth it. Losing the fight with myself in those moments.

I had visions of a "happily ever after," so confident that we had the greatest love story, only to be left broken hearted and confused. 

I had to break my own heart and choose myself, and questioned that decision every minute of everyday.

I continued to wake up for months, looking for you next to me in my bed, surprised day after day to find your spot empty.

I watched my phone, expecting to see your icon on my phone, only it didn't ring.

I continued to cry myself to sleep, but it was because there was a hole in my heart, grieving not only the man I loved, but also my best friend.

I continued to hope that one day you would realize you made the biggest mistake and come back for me, only to realize our story didn't have that ending. 

The thought of "us" still brings tears to my eyes - a combination of memories, heart break, forgiveness for myself, love, and so much more. 

And in those moments I put one foot in front of the other. I take a deep breath. I pray. And I say thank you because I loved. 

I was raised in California, in a liberal community. I had a hippie mother who embraced the cultural ideals of love that were so prevalent in the 1970's. I was taught from a young age that love is love, regardless of age, gender, ethnicity, religion, etc. I knew no different.

I was a shy child. Yes, I know that is hard to believe if you met me today. I was taught to make eye contact, to not hide behind my mothers skirts, to have manners and treat everyone with respect.

I would spend my summers in Atlanta, Georgia visiting family.

I was about 8 or 9 (I think) and I was with my family in Downtown. There was a man on the corner playing music, a saxophone I believe. He was an older black man with big brown eyes. His music made me want to dance.

I looked up at him and smiled, making eye contact. 

As we continued to walk, I got scolded. I was told not to make eye contact and smile at him, that he is not someone that I should be smiling at. I asked why and got no response.

I could not understand why the lessons I was taught by my mother would not hold true in this moment. I did what I was taught, which  was to make eye contact and smile. However, instead of receiving praise and accolades for my good behavior, I was reprimanded.

At the end of the summer I flew home to California. That incident had stuck with me and I asked my Mom what I did wrong. 

I did not know the story of the Civil War. I had no clue that our country was built on the backs of slaves and that racism was very much alive and well in this home of the free. I was too young to understand or see color.  I saw only humanity. 

My Mom asked me if the man I smiled at was black and I didn't have the vocabulary to answer that question. As a child all I knew was that I did something wrong and I didn't know why. I didn't see that mans race, economic status, age or gender. I appreciated his music. The end.

I remembered this incident as an adult, a memory of my first experience being aware of racism. It stood out as there was a contradiction between the ideals I was being taught as a child. It stood out because it went again my foundation of love and humanity. It stood out because as I got older the moments came into focus. I saw the segregation more and more with each visit to the South. I started to see the divide back home in California. 

The question often arises as to whether or not racism is taught. In my opinion, the answer is 100% yes. It is taught by the actions, words, and thoughts of those around us. It is passed on from generation to generation. It is not always seen, felt or heard because often those learning are children and they only emulate those around them. 

I am glad as a child I was taught to question, but I also know that is not the norm. I am glad that as an adult I continue to question because it is only through all of us asking questions that we can start to rebuild from a history that is wrought with the blood of our forefathers. 

As I reflect upon another lap around the sun, I can't help but think of the way I thought my life would be when I was a child. Like many of us, my life has not turned out the way I expected. I have definitely had a lot more bumps and bruises than I ever anticipated. I do not live in the fairytale that I once thought I was destined. But ya know what? There is a lot about my life that just doesn't surprise me.

I was the child that played office. From a young age, I lived a life of "make believe" in which I spent time on flights with my stuffed animals or went to the office that existed with my desk in the closet on my Fisher Price First Computer or with a stack of colored pens (still love those to this day).

 My dress-up closet did not consist of princess dresses, but centered more on high powered business heels or my super-girl outfit. Ok, sure I probably did have a crown or two, but that is well deserved because I knew I was a Queen from a young age. 

Sure, I had baby dolls like the rest of my 5 year old friends, but I did not play Mom. And my Cabbage Patch kid was African American well before diversity and inclusion were phrases that were used in vernacular. Side Note: I actually refused to adopt a white Cabbage Patch and because I lived in white bread America, she got shipped from Atlanta to accommodate my adamant 6 year old dreams. I did not grow up ever saying,"ya know what I want to be more than life itself....a Mother."

I was not the little girl who dreamt of her wedding - picking out every detail - from the wedding dress, to the groom, to the venue. And to be honest, I have been married twice, and my ex-husbands planned both of those weddings.

And I have to chuckle because as I sit here on the eve of my birthday there is no coincidence that I am on a business trip in a beautiful hotel in a big city. I am wearing a silk blouse, dress slacks, and paten leather high heels....and super girl panties.

I have recently started a new job, a level up in my career, in every sense of the word. I have more responsibility, more visibility, more creativity and more at stake.

I travel for a living...a lot! I have 12 more states in the US to cross off my list and well a ton of countries to conquer internationally, but the amount I have learned from my travels is absolutely invaluable and I am beyond grateful for the people, places and things I have seen, heard and talked to. Truly one of the most incredible gifts of my life.

Sure, just like all of us, there are things that my heart yearns for. I would kill to have my king by my side or I haven't adopted a black baby, but what do I know....maybe those are areas of my life that are still coming. I would love to own my won home or I would kill to go to Iceland. 

I have found that every time I thought I had a life plan, I have been redirected. I thought I was going to a private college that would have set me up for a successful journalism career, but I got redirected and ended up being a 911 Dispatcher....which I loved with every ounce of my soul. I have had relationships that I thought would be my "happily ever after," but they turned out to be an incredible lesson for a period of time, a stepping stone. I have had careers that made me feel like I was compromising who I was or what I believed in, but yet I am still grateful for the incredible lessons they taught me. I have had people enter and leave my life, but they have all left an imprint on my heart, and played the role they were supposed to in this journey called life. 

And so as I sit here looking out of my hotel window - it has a beautiful city scape, there is a glass of wine in my hand, and I feel grateful for all that I have, all that I have seen, all of the amazing people in my life, and all that I have accomplished. I can say thank you for that little girl that taught me to have big dreams, follow her heart, love big even if it means breaking that big 'ol heart, and not let anyone or anything get in her way. 

So, let's raise a glass to another rotation around the sun - I hope for more success, more gratitude, more love, more alignment, more adventuress, more conversations with strangers, and more experiences that touch my heart. 

I am not done....so when I grow up.....

 For clarification, I am not going to literally teach you how to fly because I prefer to leave that to the professionals. I am not one of those fliers who thinks they can do the pilots jobs better than they can, or to be honest any airline employees job....they are in a tough position and I prefer to empathizes with them and show them some love, hoping they will upgrade me or at least give me a free bag of pretzels.

However, since I spend more time on a plane than I care to explain....always have and always will....thought it might be helpful if I share some flying/travel tips to make all of our lives easier. I started flying at 6 months old. My family was back in Jersey, however I was born a Cali girl. Since I was geographically undesirable as a Grandchild that required me to learn how to fly at a young age...and I haven't stopped.

So, let me help you  a bit with some tips that will help me as I continue to fly and that will help you so you don't get a suitcase to the head by one of us more experienced flyers.

1. Let's start with boarding. Unless you are flying Southwest you have a boarding group on your ticket. Should be numerical usually a 1-5 or something similar. Normally, boarding group 1 starts first and it continues from there. Sure, sometimes there are some other people who get to board before group 1, but pretty sure you will know if you are one of those people because  they are usually either in a wheelchair or travel more than all of us put together. Now, there is no hurry to board a plane with boarding groups because that means you already have a seat and everyone in the gate area will get a seat on the plane. Take your time! Now, if you are flying Southwest you have a different agreement in which you have a letter and a # and I understand your desire to get on that plane first to avoid aisle seats, smelly people, or small children, but unless you are willing to pay, you still have to follow the letters and numbers on your seat so still no need to bum rush the plane. 

2. When you board the plane sit the f-down. Standing near your seat, in the aisle, around other peoples seats, near the flight attendant, hell just standing at all is just not helpful. We all, I think, have the same goal, which is to get off the ground, and you standing anywhere is just straight up not helping. I promise you this will not be your last chance to stand EVER, so please take a seat.

3. If you have a giant suitcase, please check it. I love WWE or WWF or any of those other wrestling acronyms as much as the rest of you, but this is not the time to practice your rope skills. The bins are not adjustable and so they are not flexible to the size of your suitcase or the fact that you decided to bring your entire wardrobe or garage band with you on vacation. Please just check your bag, because you fighting with your bag in the overhead compartment is not fun, funny, helpful, or straight up going to work. They are still going to check your bag. 

4. Since we are talking luggage, lets talk carry-ons. You are allowed 2 carry-ons on most airlines so if you went shopping on your way to the airport those still count. If you are in Hawaii and you are trying to bring back a pineapple in a box that also still counts as a carry-on.

5. Now, that you are hopefully on a plane and your luggage is stored let's talk about plane etiquette. So, ya know when you go to a restaurant and there are some rules we all follow - goes a little something like - no shirts, no shoes, no service. Well, those rules should also apply on a plane. I haven't seen a whole lot of topless flyers and I have been to Vegas quite a few times, but I have seen quite a few flyers take off their shoes, or even worse, their socks. Please don't. Just don't. We all know our feet swell during flying please wear appropriate shoes such as Birkenstocks (with no socks) or slippers or hell even shoes that are too big to accommodate flight swellage (I don't think that is a word).

6. Plane cracks are not for body parts....especially other peoples body parts. Please keep your hands, feet, and other body parts I shouldn't have to call out away from cracks (get your mind out of a gutter you know what I am talking about). By cracks I mean seat cracks, armrest cracks, etc.

7.  Btw, planes are cold. They are usually always cold so please don't dress like a whore and act surprised....unless that is your game...and if so rock it and let me know how it works, although I am pretty sure that is not a game anyone wants to see a 40-something year old women play....so just do you at that point.

8. Plane tickets are f-ing expensive so why are you surprised when you see that the food and drinks are equally expensive? Just plan for it or bring food. Honestly, in my opinion, the homemade PB&J is way better than that can of airplane Pringles or bagel sandwich will ever be for $16....but that is just my opinion. Now, also my opinion, but sometimes depending on who is sitting next to you, it is survival to buy cocktails on the plane. For example, the international military contractor sitting next to you wanting to talk to you for four hours about apple cider vinegar gummy vitamins, well worth the investment of a $12 glass of wine. We call that survival of the fittest!

9. Before we talk about landing, I just want to say that it's important to remember that the pilot, the gate person, the flight attendant and the people you see in an airline uniform are not the people responsible for your flight delays or cancellations so please don't be an asshole. They are like you and I, just trying to bring home a paycheck to feed their family and put a roof over their head, please be kind.

10. Now landing, you will not get to the front of the plane any faster by being the first person to stand-up, fight for your bag out of the overhead compartment, stand in the aisle, and cut off other travelers. We all have the same end game - to get out of the plane. Many of us are trying to make connections and a lot of us have cut it too close. Please be courteous because watching you be a jackass, although entertaining if I drank enough $12 glasses of wine, is not productive for anyone.

Would love for all of you to share any additional travel advice I missed....thoughts?

 Let's start with the logistics - yes, I know crier is someone who yells announcements, but cryer is a female hawk, so there really isn't such a word that applies to what I am trying to describe....so just go with it!

I spent years without tears.

I wore the fact that I didn't cry like a badge of honor.

My ex-husband told me, "we have been together for 8 years and I have never seen you shed a tear."

And I was proud of that.

I took horrific calls as a 911 Dispatcher - provided CPR over the phone to a 6 month old child who did not make it, listened to a man take his own life with a gun shot to the head, heard my Officers scream over the radio, and I just continued to compartmentalize it all, without emotion.

I did not cry in my personal life - Grandma passed away, ended relationships in which I was not emotionally involved anyway, dreams were shattered. I just rode the waves.

It wasn't something intentional, it just was. I wasn't euphorically happy, although I wore that smile on my face as if I was.

I got so good at masking my emotions that at times I didn't even know what was real.

I was afraid that if I let myself cry or let myself feel I wouldn't know how to stop. And there was some shit down deep that I didn't want to face. I was truly afraid that if I started to cry, I wouldn't be able to stop. 

Over the years, I have started to learn how to cry, how to feel. I started to deal with that shit down deep.

It is almost like learning how to walk again.

I started to allow myself to feel. I started to learn how to open my heart and learn how to love. I had my first heart break, and believe me these are not just related to romantic love, although I had that type as well. I started to let the tears fall.

I have found that it is like peeling back the layers of an onion (pun intended since they make you cry). 

But it is also part of living, part of the human experience.

We have been given emotions, to feel, to love, to hurt. 

Although many of us have been raised with the idea that our emotions were a weakness, it is time to break free and to truly embrace them for the gift of living that they are. 

And ya know what? The tears did start to fall and I haven't been able to stop them. And I love it!

I now cry at the finale of every Top Chef. Sure, I know what is going to happen. Someone is going to win! But I can see how excited they are, how life changing this experience is for them. And I shed tears of joy.

I cry at the gravestones of those I lost.

I cry at the weddings of family and friends, or at the birth of their children.

I cry when I open my heart or when I let it get broken. Because our hearts break so they can get bigger.

I cry when I read a good book, sharing in the characters life experiences.

I cry when one chapter closes, and another opens. Whether that chapter involves a career change, relationship ending, moving yet again from family and friends, or anything in between.

I recently changed careers and ended a toxic relationship. I cried when I told my team I was leaving, when I said good-bye to my customers, and I cried night after night for the love I let go. But because I shed those tears, I am also able to experience the excitement and happiness of starting a new career, meeting new people, traveling to new places. I can be confident that when the time comes I will be able to open my heart again to the romantic love that is supposed to be mine. I can also be confident that I will continue to cry throughout those experiences.

Don't get me wrong, I still don't have this crying thing down. I still tend to cry behind closed doors and usually only share my emotions with those I trust, but I am learning. 

What I can say is that my life feels a hell of a lot more authentic than it did when my face was dry. I know and recognize my emotions. I see the fact that I feel as a strength and I let the tears fall, allowing myself to feel the depth of the experience. 

I am learning.

 I started in the virtual workspace well before Covid hit. So, honestly my life didn't change a whole lot when we were shut down for the pandemic, at least professionally. My personal life, well, that is a totally different story.

However, I kind of would like to think of myself as kind of a pro when it comes to the virtual work thing. And I have found some really high highs and some really low lows that I would like to share with y'all.

This is what I have found:

1. I get to wear yoga pants to work, or hell no pants if I really want to. I can avoid "hard pants" most of the time. Side note, hard pants are jeans or anything other than yoga pants and they are torturous. In general, I am anti-pants, however there is a time and place for pants, just prefer soft pants when those times arise.

2. I don't have a commute. I can literally stumble from my bedroom to the office and turn on my computer. There are truly days when I don't go outside, this can be considered a plus or a minus depending on how you look at it. But I really do not miss traffic - the endless sitting on freeways watching the people in the car next to you stare back at you. Nope, don't miss that for a sec.

3. If I have RBF (Resting Bitch Face), which I have fairly often, or I am just grumpy AF, I can just turn off my camera. I am actually legendary for my video RBF. And damn technology if my camera isn't working uh oh!

4. Nobody knows I am short. I met one of my Project Managers in person for the first time a few months ago and he said to me,"wow you look so much taller on camera." That is honestly the most creative way anyone has ever told me I am short, and well I am pretty stoked I look tall on camera.

5. When the internet goes down, a ransomware attack happens to your company, or you lose power, those are all the equivalent of a virtual workplace "snow day," and they happen way more often than actual white stuff falling from the sky, especially here in California. Magical!

6. I don't have to deal with moody co-workers. In the virtual work environment, moody co-workers just require you to re-schedule meetings. You never have to stress about the co-worker who is too spunky in the morning or the one who always wakes up on the wrong side of the bed because they are both doing those irritating things in the privacy of their own homes. My co-worker is white, fluffy and has four legs (she is a cat in case you needed clarification), and you just toss her off the chair if she is too spunky or grumpy.

7. My Amazon packages never have to feel abandoned on my porch. I am home and I am waiting for you all day, regardless of how many times UPS changes the delivery time, I will be there for you.

8. Covid weight is irrelevant unless you are one of those rare people who carry all of your weight in your shoulders. My ass expanded during Covid and due to cameras that only show the top half of my body and the above listed yoga pants, and well breaking up with my scale, nobody is any wiser.

9. You can change offices as many times as you want. I can literally work from my real office or I can sit at the dining room table or have couch coffee talks for a more intimate setting. Hell, I can even work remote remote and take my office to a hotel, coffee shop, on the road, or anywhere a hot spot can find you. It is actually pretty damn cool that you can literally work from anywhere.

10. You never have to worry about packing a lunch because said lunch is sitting in your fridge. And thanks to Instacart or DoorDash if said lunch is not in the fridge you have other options. Another lunch plus, you never have to worry about the klepto co-worker who likes to rifle through others lunches in search of snacks for themselves. Or the random office science projects found in break room fridges for that matter. The science projects are your doing and well I have never had anyone break into my house for my leftover pizza.

There are definitely other pluses and minuses, but these are my top ten for the moment. What do you all love or hate about working remote?

Let's be real for a second - change, self-awareness and growth are absolute fucking hell!! The people who describe the change process as some blissed out meditation on a yoga mat overlooking the ocean while they chant in a bikini are either straight up liars, taking way better drugs than I am, lying to themselves or others, or on a totally different level than I am. Those bumper stickers that describe change and enlightenment as sunshine and roses are absolute bullshit, in my opinion. 

In my experience, this journey, although I can't stop it, has been one that has dragged me down a path while I am kicking and screaming. 

Don't get me wrong it is totally the path I need to be on and I am so grateful for what it has taught me and what I have learned. But easy, blissful, peaceful, and joyful are not the words that ever come to mind. Change is messy, painful, emotional, gut wrenching, heart breaking and has, at least for me, required me to get down on my knees and straight up pray, cry, and scream.

My path of self-awareness started shortly before my divorce. As I have mentioned in previous blogs I was living a life that should have been perfect, or at least it was on paper. I had the house. I had the husband. I had the career. I had the money. And my heart knew something was missing. That was in 2012. This is not a new journey for me. 

My journey has consisted of physical changes - where I lived, my career, and the relationship I was in. It has consisted of emotional changes-going from a place where I didn't know how to feel or open my heart, just being numb,  to one where I have learned how to feel at times more than I ever wanted to. It has consisted of spiritual changes - finding my own spiritual path and practice. It has consisted of mental changes - choosing self-love, gratitude and joy over being cynical and beat down. It has required me to look at my past, my patterns, my childhood and all of the ugly that is so much easier locking in a closet.

I have found that for me, the journey has consisted of starts and stops, two steps forward and one step back. I have times when I felt euphorically happy, on top of the world, and confident that I had my shit together. And I also have times when I am crying on the beach or praying on a cliff overlooking the ocean. 

My journey has led me to a meditation retreat in Costa Rica that had me surfing the turquoise waters to a road trip throughout the US alone to find myself, and incredible experiences that warmed my heart - a church in Asheville, NC or the Roanoke Star overlooking the skyline. It has led me on a food tour of Sicily to culinary school to embrace what I love. It has led me to experience incredible moments with friends and family whether it was jumping out of an airplane or sitting by a fire pit with a glass of wine, talking about life. 

My journey has consisted of highs and lows and everything in between. I have known the celebration of success and the failure of defeat. I have had some of my biggest lessons during unexpected times and experiences - a car accident that broke my neck or having a little sister from Big Brothers Big Sisters or sitting on a tree in the middle of the forest.

I have been hypnotized, had energy work, acupuncture, and other spiritual experiences that are too personal to describe. I have prayed to every God and Goddess there is a potential to believe in.

I have had periods of time where I tried or wanted to try to go back to my previous life and beliefs, a simpler life before I wanted something more. But for me, once I started down this path of living life, really living life, there was no turning back, no matter how hard I tried or wanted to try.

I have lost people, places and things. I have had to remind myself that they were not the people meant to be in my life, regardless of how badly I wanted them there. But I have also had people who have held my hand on every step of this journey and picked me up when I fell and continued to fall. And they are still with me today.

I am not at the end of the journey, or at least I hope not, but I do feel like I am closing another chapter. I am at a place where I am again looking at new beginnings - a new career, a new life, open to new love, meeting new people, and leveling up in living the life I was meant to live. There are some days when I wake up grateful and other days I wake up frustrated. There are days that I just want to drink wine and forget the fucked up state of the world and there are other times I am hopeful that love can unite us all. 

I write this not to pretend to be in some holy place, because as you already know I am full on embracing the mess and by mess I mean a hot mess most of the time. I am writing this to say wherever you are on your journey it is ok. And it is definitely ok if you are not zen as fuck. It is ok if you are kicking and screaming through life with  me. And ya know what if you are zen as fuck please respond to this blog and give those of us who aren't some damn good advice. Namaste!

 What is Thirsty Thursday you ask?

Well, for many of you it may be an excuse to go to the bar and drink copious amounts of cocktails. And no judgment of that Thirsty Thursday, however during a pandemic those traditional Thirsty Thursday options were just not available to us. Now add in the fact that I am geographically undesirable to my friends (I live in Nor Cal and they are in So Cal), and we had to come up with something more creative.

So, at my house Thirsty Thursday is a standing Zoom date I have with two of my friends. The friendship began when I lived down there and under normal circumstances the friendship was maintained by frequent girls weekends or trips together. Add in a pandemic and well those normal activities came to a screeching halt.

I am not sure whose idea this was, pretty sure it wasn't mine, but at the beginning of Covid we were all feeling pretty isolated, as was just about everyone I know, bordering on uncivilized and unsocialized and we came up with the idea of having a standing Thirsty Thursday wine call. 

This call has continued for the last 2 years and it has been an incredible blessing!

Now, every Thursday at 5pm PST the three of us pour a glass of wine, jump on Zoom and spend the next 2-ish hours laughing, catching up, and sharing random pieces of information.

As we come out of Covid (I hope) we have continued this tradition as it has given us an opportunity to stay in touch, especially as I travel for work and live 12 hours away from two of my dearest friends.  I have even had Thirsty Thursday while on the road  from hotels across the country. Yup they are lucky enough to see the ugly hotel carpet and parking lot views from throughout the US.

Thirsty Thursday has become such an important part of my life and it has allowed us to feel connected during really difficult times in our personal lives, as well as this world. 

We have done matching shirt calls, cooking calls, dance party calls, and well of course talk party calls. Side note, as a kid when my Mom wanted to talk about something serious she would tell me we needed to have a "talk party."

We talk about everything from what is going on in our lives and let me tell you we have all gone through some pretty big life events - new grandbabies, new jobs, the loss of loved ones (human and furry), the loss of relationships/friendships, life stressors and so much more. 

We have also laughed so hard we cried covering topics such as glow in the dark margarita glasses or designs for new inventions we think the world needs. We also have a running last of Netflix shows, recipes, or podcasts that we share (some ideas better than others). We collect random things we want to share with each other throughout the week and word vomit all over each other every Thursday night.

More than anything it has been a touchstone for me these last 2 years. It has given me something to look forward to every week and during Covid it was honestly the only thing often on my calendar other than work. It has provided me with a sounding board, a social outlet, real human connection in a time where our country and the people in it tend to be completely divided, and it has been an incredible support system during a time of big life changes. 

Many people who know of this tradition are confused by the fact that we have continued these conversations now that we could all be sitting in the same room, but this allows us to continue to connect regardless of where we are in the world or in life. It has allowed us to stay in touch and be an active part in each others lives when its so easy to get overwhelmed by the day to day. It is amazing to have friends who know the details of my life and I theirs regardless of outside circumstances. It has honestly brought us closer together.

I have found that it has been super helpful having this standing meeting on my calendar. It is a commitment to myself, my friendships and a reminder as to who and what is important in my life. At times it becomes too easy to push off those things that aren't required and this helps me show up for myself and those I love. 

So, want to take a moment to say thank you for incredible friendship, to the commitment of friendships and also to share this idea with anyone who is struggling for connection, missing their friends and family, or just want to make their life a little better. Cheers and Happy Thirsty Thursday!

I gave notice after being with my company for a year.

There are a lot of reasons I realized my current position was not the right fit for me, however ya know how sometimes we have defining moments. In my opinion, those are those periods of time in which you have immense clarity.

I was recently meeting with my boss and he told me that "you just can't take it personally."

I realized in that moment that in every area of my life, both personal and professional, it is personal. And I also realized that the fact that it's personal allows me to live my life with passion and it is my motivation for doing a good job, making a difference. 

I am in software implementation, but not just any software, I implement the software that is in 911 Communications Centers, Police cars and Fire engines. It is personal. It is personal because I wore that headset and sat in that chair. It is personal because I was married to a Police Officer. It is personal because I have friends and family still in the industry that rely on my technology to help them make split second decisions that can be the difference between life and death. It is personal. 

I have spent the last few days telling my team, my co-workers and now my customers that I am leaving. I have been on the verge of tears for every single conversation because I have made friends, established relationships, and they have trusted me and I them. I also know that many of them will continue to stay in my life long after I have gone from the company. Because it is personal. 

I also realized that for me I should take my career personally because not only is it how I survive, but it is also how I thrive. It gives me a sense of satisfaction, allows me to give back to this vast world, and fuels my success as a human. It is personal. 

In my personal life, I have recently been told I live life differently. And ya know what I do! And I don't think that is a bad thing.  I live life as if I am not promised a tomorrow. I live life like its one giant adventure and one hell of a ride. I live life like the people that are in my life mean the world to me and need to be reminded of that regularly. I live my life as if this world has so much to teach me and share with me. I live my life as if its personal because ya know what? It is! It's my life! It is personal.

I spend my time doing what I love - cooking, Pilates, riding the Peloton, spending time with friends and family, traveling or honestly embracing whatever is in front of me in that moment. Because I take that moment personally. 

I put down my phone. I turn off the tv. I remove distractions. Because I believe in personal connections, real conversations, conversations that matter. I believe that often times people don't remember what you say, but they sure as hell remember the way you made them feel. Why? Because it's personal. 

We get one life, shouldn't it be personal? And if it isn't personal doesn't that indicate that you aren't truly living? That you aren't in the right career, relationship, living in the right place, spending time with the right people, exploring the right things, embracing the right passions. I can't answer that question for you, but I know for me that if it isn't personal then I am on the wrong path, with the wrong person, doing the wrong things.

I strive to live a life where everything is personal, not in a my feelings got hurt kind of way, but in a way that my life is made up of moments of personal connections, personal experiences, personal memories, personal passions, personal feelings, and personal motivations. 

And so in my exit interview, whether its to God, my maker, Human Resources, etc - I only have one thing to say - To Me It Is Personal.  

I totally believe in the law of attraction, what we put out we attract.

However, I struggle with the idea that we have to live in a constant state of positivity. Sure, I have a gratitude practice and I try to truly celebrate the amazing aspects of my life....hell I even have a sign on my wall that says "grateful," but are we losing the reality of life if we also don't recognize the challenges?

I was recently talking to a friend last weekend and we were talking about how important "real conversations" are to us. We don't want to just talk about the weather or our jobs, we want to talk about difficult things - relationship struggles, feeling not good enough, how hard it is to watch your kids grow up, the pressure we put on ourselves as women, depression and anxiety, the state of the world, and so much more.

We all  have those friends or family members who love to stay in the fluff - rattling on about what their dogs ate for breakfast or what they wore to dinner last night. And sure those conversations have a time and place, but are we losing opportunities for connection when we keep our chats on the surface? Are they burying their head in the sand instead of truly embracing the mess of life?

Now, do we also have people in our lives who truly speak only of sunshine and roses? I don't know about you, but I have some in my life. And don't get me wrong I admire their positivity, but it also makes me wonder if it's real. Is this truly how they feel or are they waxing poetic about the glory of all things life to convince themselves? Are they in denial? I also wonder if they are missing opportunities for real connection by not sharing pieces of themselves and opening up about the hardships we all encounter.

I feel like as a society we have gotten too damn good at surface connections. It is standard that when someone asks us how we are, we always say good, regardless of how we are really feeling. What would happen if we started to answer the question with the truth? Our truth.

I have started to think about whether we can have it both ways - can I believe in the law of attraction and bring amazing things into my life, yet still maintain real connections and real conversations? Because I don't know about you I don't want to attract love if we are only talking about what we are having for dinner, I want to know their fears, their fantasies, and their dreams. I don't want to attract a career, any ol career, I want to attract the career that lights me up and brings out the passion in me. And so I have started to believe that I can be positive and still be real to attract that which is important in my life. And having these real conversations and connection will bring me one step closer to attracting that which my heart desires - and if not at least I have made some amazing friends along the way.

What are your thoughts?

Somedays I feel like I have my shit together, but most days are messy. And I am learning how to embrace the mess. We often put so much pressure on ourselves to be perfect, but I have started to question whether or not that is realistic.

In my 20's I had a calendar and I marked off the days that I felt like I was on point. However, when I looked back on the months, the days I didn't "have it together" far outweighed the days that I did. And this became a tool for evil instead of good as I used it for self-judgment and criticism as a result of the check marks.

Now, in my 40's there is still a calendar, but there are no checkmarks on it because I am learning to look at each day without judgment. I have started to realize that within each day there is usually a complex variation of wins and losses. Sure, maybe I brushed my hair or cooked dinner (examples of winning), but I also lost my shit over my software (not quite as smooth). And I am trying to give myself grace as I realize that both are ok.

Side note: Yes, I am one of the last of a dying breed that still uses paper calendars. I love them!!

I would do the same thing in my relationships - evaluating whether or not I was perfect enough to be loved. Yes, I know a therapist could have a blast analyzing that one. But that was my reality as I judged whether or not I loved enough, cooked enough, was sweet enough, and plenty of other "enoughs."

I am finding that we often put so much pressure on ourselves that we end up being our own worse enemy. And as I learn to love and accept myself, that involves also learning how to love the mess. I have also found that messy can mean different things on different days - sometimes its crying in the shower, sometimes its tripping over your own feet, and sometimes its being irritable from the moment your feet hit the floor. And all of it is ok. I am learning how to give myself permission and just embrace the mess. Cheers! 

I know y'all are actually shocked that I am writing about food again, well at least for this moment.

First of all, I want to give a shout out to Smitten Kitchen because she is truly one of my favorite cookbook authors and food bloggers. If you haven't discovered her, well you need to. She is also the creator of this recipe (see below).

Kefta which is also known as kofta, and there are actually additional variations on the spelling, can best be described by me as Middle Eastern meatballs. They are traditionally made with lamb, but they can be made with beef, turkey, mutton, pretty much any ground meat. They can be grilled, fried, baked, steamed or poached, but since I am obsessed with my bbq I found a recipe where I could grill them.

A tad bit of history, they were first identified in Arab cookbooks and the word is first documented in 1665 and first used in English in 1832, but I am guessing their history pre-dates those written shout outs. 

Kefta first came into my consciousness when I was living in Michigan. The Dearborn area has a large Middle Eastern population and some of the best food I have ever eaten. Since moving back to the West Coast, I have not found Middle Eastern food that compares and my tastebuds are having a bit of a withdrawal from the food I loved....and so I decided to give it a try myself. 

Also, if you are ever in Dearborn, MI the Arab American National Museum has a really great food tour. I had a blast and tasted food I have never heard of. I truly recommend this food experience!! 

Side Note: I also want to give some gratitude to my neighborhood butcher at Murphy's Market here in Cutten for grinding lamb for me at 0700 this morning so I could tackle this recipe for y'all.

Kefta and Zucchini Kebabs (my comments on the recipe are in red)

SERVINGS: 6 TIME: 1 HOUR SOURCE: GOURMET, 1980

SAUCE AND ASSEMBLY

1 cup plain yogurt (preferably full-fat)

2 tablespoons chopped fresh mint (for some reason I am not a big mint fan so I used cilantro and it was yum)

1 medium clove garlic, minced

1/8 teaspoon kosher salt, plus more to taste

12 (10-inch) wooden skewers, soaked in cold water for 30 minutes

ZUCCHINI

2 tablespoons fresh lemon juice

1/2 teaspoon sugar

1/4 teaspoon kosher salt

1/4 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper

3 tablespoons olive oil (we used about half of this) (I also used half and it worked great)

2 medium zucchini (1 1/4 lb total), cut crosswise into 1/2-inch-thick slices (don’t skim on their thickness, or you will have difficulty threading them)

KEFTA (MEATBALLS)

2 slices firm white sandwich bread, torn into small pieces

1 small onion, roughly chopped (about 1 cup)

1/4 cup loosely packed fresh parsley leaves

1/4 cup loosely packed fresh cilantro leaves

1/3 cup pine nuts, toasted

1 pound ground lamb or ground turkey, preferably dark meat

1 teaspoon kosher salt

1/2 teaspoon ground allspice

1/2 teaspoon cayenne

1/4 teaspoon cinnamon

1/4 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper

Make sauce: Stir together yogurt, mint, garlic, and salt in a small bowl and chill until you’re ready to serve the skewers.

Prepare zucchini: Whisk together lemon juice, sugar, salt, pepper, and oil in a large bowl and stir in zucchini slices. Marinate at room temperature while making meatballs.

Make meatballs: Cover bread with water in a bowl and soak 10 minutes. This was the strangest part of the recipe, in my opinion, and made me feel like a kid, soaking my bread at the dinner table....making a giant mess. I loved every second of it - both back in the day and now. However, I do have to say I don't know the purpose of this technique. I have obviously used breadcrumbs in meatballs before, even fresh ones, but not soaked ones. The only thing I could think of was to help add texture without drying them out. Thoughts?

Pulse onion and herbs in a food processor until finely chopped. Add pine nuts, and finely chop as well. Squeeze handfuls of bread to remove as much excess water as possible and add it to the food processor. Pulse until it is well chopped. Add this mixture to the lamb or turkey in a large bowl, along with salt and spices. 

Mix with your hands or a fork until well-blended. Form meat mixture into 36 balls (1 scant tablespoon each). I love any food I can sink my hands into! This made me happy! And oh yeah, I only made 22 meatballs - guess my balls were a little too big #oopsie. 

Assemble and grill kebabs: Prepare grill for cooking over medium-hot charcoal (moderate heat for gas). Thread 6 meatballs 1/4 inch apart onto each of 6 skewers. I was surprised by how easy it was to thread metablls onto skewers. I had visions of them just crumbling and falling apart especially as I picked them up to put them on the grill, but they cooperated. Thank you Baby Jesus! Thread zucchini lengthwise onto remaining 6 skewers, so cut sides are on the grill, leaving 1/4 inch between slices. I was running short on skewers and so I just grilled the zucchini in a grill basket and that worked great.

Grill zucchini and meatballs on oiled grill rack, turning over once, until golden and just cooked through, about 4 to 6 minutes on a charcoal grill and 10 minutes on a gas grill.  I have to admit I had some wins and I had some losses when it came to the balls sticking together upon grill flippage. Not sure what I did differently that caused some fo them to stay together and other to explode like fireworks on the 4th of July. Oh well they all tasted the same....which was good!

\Cut a meatball in half to visually check for doneness. Serve warm, with yogurt sauce. My zucchini needed a little longer than 10 minutes, but maybe I cut them too thick....ugh everything seems to go back to my "go big or go home" motto and that doesn't always work well for me in the kitchen. 

If you don’t have a grill: Kebabs can be broiled on 2 large shallow baking pans 5 inches from heat, turning over once, until golden and just cooked through, 4 to 6 minutes. Cut a meatball in half to visually check for doneness.

Overall, I loved this recipe. May need to work on overcoming my falling apart issue, but the spices in the meatball mixture were epic - both the dried spices and fresh herbs made for really good flavor. I honestly didn't think the yogurt sauce was even needed, but it was a nice accompaniment. And well how do you go wrong with grilled zucchini. 

I say give it a try and let me know if you had better luck with your kefta staying together or please let me know if you have any tips. Cheers!