Welp, here we are again, ringing out another year. I have to admit I have mixed feelings about the holiday season, especially during the last few years. I believe and feel the wonder and magic of the holiday season, however it is also often a reminder of the failures of the past year. I have always been one to believe in Santa at every age, and this year is no different, but I have no chimney so I am not making his job any easier. 

As the year comes to a close, I find myself reflecting on the past and sure some of that involves celebrating the wins, but it also involves a hell of a lot of beating myself up over the losses. It tends to be a reminder for what I don't have or what I haven't accomplished instead of feeling jolly and merry.

I remember as a "baby Dispatcher" often wondering why we received so many calls of people struggling during the holidays and as I have gotten older, I have started to understand. If you are alone, during the rest of the year, it just is, but during the holidays it feels extra lonely. If you are fighting demons, the rest of the year you can keep them at bay, during the holidays they come crashing down on you. If you had goals, the end of the year serves as a reminder that they are still on the table unaccomplished.

This past year has been filled with highs and lows for me, as I think it has for many. Unfortunately, when you are faced with social engagements that require you to put on a happy face, the thought of adding more to an already full plate often feels overwhelming instead of joyful. I often find myself remembering what I lost, instead of focusing on what I gained

So, as I enter the holiday season, I am choosing to reflect and be grateful. Do I have my shit together? Oh hell no! Do I have everything I want? Fuck no. But I do know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am where I am supposed to be. 

Work with me here....

1. I have a roof over my head. I am not homeless, as so many people are across this globe. I did a ride with the Hollywood Division last week and I met several people literally living in a tent on the sidewalk, the fact that I am not one of them, makes me grateful 

I love where I live, both the geographical location, as well as my little house. My Aunt and Uncle live across the street and that provides me with so much security, and good food. I land from work trips and I feel at peace as soon as my feet hit the ground. My home has become my sanctuary and allows me to recharge and find my center.

2. I got a new job. Sure, I am also playing with the "big boys" now and my job can be stressful and overwhelming, often reminds me of drinking out of a fire hose.  But I have an incredible team of co-workers. And with this job I have been provided the opportunity to travel to some pretty amazing places and create some amazing memories. Uber karaoke in San Francisco, the ferris wheel in Downtown Atlanta, and the Four Seasons in New Orleans topped the list. Watch out Poland here I come in 2023!

3. I am single.  I often have a pity party this time of year regarding my relationship status, but this year I am choosing to reframe it, because this year I loved, sure it didn't last, but my heart felt, and for that I am thankful. I am also so grateful that I am not in the wrong relationship - being beaten, cheated on, lied to, or destroyed. 

4. I have started to deal with the reality of aging parents this year. It is stressful, overwhelming, and it makes you feel as if your life is not yours. The amount of sacrifices you have to make, both personally and professionally, is completely diabolical.  However, I am also grateful for the amazing medical professionals who have provided care and I am even more grateful for the love and support of my family and friends. They literally dried my tears as I broke down in my car, kept me going when I felt like the walls were crashing in, and held my hand as I navigated waters I never anticipated encountering. 

5. The people who have picked me up when I have fallen down and let me tell you sometimes the support comes from unexpected places. I have always had an amazing tribe, and this year is no different, but just want to pause and cherish them a little extra this year, especially since so many of them are also going through their own crises, and yet we still continue to support each other. 

6. The relationships I have lost. The relationships I got into were not my "happily ever after" but I am proud of myself for trying, for feeling, for learning, and for growing. I stayed open to love, and for that I am proud. They strengthened my love of self, my intuition and my resolve to wait for the person who can truly provide me with what I want and need. 

7. Pilates! I miss running with every ounce of my soul, both the physical and psychological aspects of it. However, this year I found Pilates and it has provided me with strength, both physical and mental. It has provided sweat and laughter. It has brought new people into my life and a core strength I never expected to have. I am a believer.

8. Sometimes the most precious gifts come from the most unexpected places, and within those moments incredible healing can be had. So, cheers to homemade cookies and old fashioneds!

9. The fact that I am not perfect. I stumble, I get brought to my knees, and yet I get back up. This past year has provided me opportunities for this cycle time and time again, in my career, my love life, my diet, my exercise routine, my friendships, my finances, taking care of myself, and taking care of others. I have decided to embrace the mess, as long as I keep trying.

10. This blog and the amazing people who read it. As you all know this year I have made a conscious choice to write about more personal things, and not just food, and the amount of love, support and non-judgment has truly been one of the most precious gifts.

So, with that, Happy Holidays! Let's choose to celebrate our wins, both big and small this holiday season. And don't worry I promise you I will not promise you a perfect 2023 or flood your inbox with "new year no me" bullshit. I will continue to be real and raw as we ring in the new year, peppering you with random thoughts, rants, recipes, and insights as I find them. Cheers!

 I recently ran into an old co-worker in the parking lot of the grocery store. As we talked about life, quickly covering the 20 years since we had last seen each other, he mentioned that I was his "what if girl." I walked away and I started to think about how many times I had been told I was the "what if girl." To be honest, more than I would care to admit. 

 I have mixed feelings about being told I am the "what if girl."

First of all, what the fuck does that even mean? So, you let me leave your life and you have wondered, regretted, questioned, thought of me often?

Second, I feel gratitude, what an amazing compliment. I mean who doesn't want to hear that someone has thought of you with wonder, ponders what could have been, that you have the characteristics that they realized are once in a lifetime. 

Finally, a little offended, why am I time after time the one who got away? 

Why is it that these men never realized what they had until I left their lives? 

Why am I the woman that haunts these men, yet they never fought when they had the chance? 

Why did I not know how they felt when they were in my life?

Side note - Not every declaration of "what if" have been relationships, such as the one above, these confessions sure have come from some past relationships, but also friends and co-workers. So, you have to sit back and consider the common denominator, which is me. 

What is it about me that puts me in the "what if" category? 

I could take this one of two ways, wondering what is wrong with me or realizing that people often don't remember what you said or what you did, but they often remember how you made them feel. I hope that I have touched lives and made people feel.

I also had a personal realization, I don't believe in "what if." I believe that if I was supposed to be "the one" our story would have had a different ending.

I don't live my life with "what ifs." I live my life to the fullest extent, being grateful for every damn day that I am on this planet. If you are in my life and I wonder if we have romantic potential, I will explore it, regardless of the outcome. And sure sometimes the outcome is bliss, passion, love, euphoria, and sometimes the outcome is tears, heartbreak, destruction, or just getting down on your knees to pray. 

I also find gratitude for the people in my life. And regardless of if that person is in my life for 1 minute, 10 minutes, 4 hours, 30 days or 20 years, they touched my life for whatever period of time they were supposed to be in it. Sure, some of them made my life a living hell and some of them touched my heart, and countless experiences that have ran the gambit of in between. But, at the end of the day our paths crossed and our experience together was what it was meant to be, no regrets and definitely no "what ifs."

This parking lot encounter also made me realize that I truly don't have a relationship in my past that has left me wondering "what if." I have had incredible men in my life and I have also had less than incredible men in my life, but at the end of the day its all about the right person and the right time, and obviously the fact that the UPS man of my dreams has not shown up at my door is a clear indicator that I have not found the right person or the right time. 

To the men who have wondered "what if" let me reassure you that I am not the one. Because I am confident that if you were supposed to be the man by my side there would be no need to wonder, you would be there. So, go back to your lives, if you are in a relationship go back to your wives and/or girlfriends, and don't look back....I promise you there is no "what if."